The "Dark Side of the Moon"

As I remember seeing the full moon, I also remember that there are part of the moon that is unseen to me. That's what I call "the dark side of the moon". We can easily see "the bright side of the moon", but no one can see the other side. But we all know that it's there, and we oftentimes take it for granted just as it is.

That makes me think that every people also have their "dark side" and what all other people see of them is just their "bright side". Sometimes, people also change, just like the moon. And when they do that, mostly, other people will think that they're strange. Which for me is not, because it's just their other side that is never or rarely can be seen. And sometimes, that person also don't realize it even though it will still be there.

People often think that they're in stress, while I would say is just that their subconscious is just being tired of showing their "bright side" all the time. So when they become moody, I would definitely laugh it off. That's exactly what I do... Maybe you think that this topic is... just a rambling, but that's the point. I'm just expressing my thought, my dark side, that I already accepted. I was a grumpy, angry, and lots of things before when I meet my friends that know me for who I am. But now, I reduce that to a minimum size because I accept myself, my thought, my insecurities, and every negative thing that I know I have.

Sometimes, people are just needed to be convinced of the "dark side" that they have, because they know that they have it, but they just don't wanna admit it. They just denying it and that's what makes their "mentality" decay. Their inner peace become so disturbed and in one time, they will just 'snap'. I always encourage my friends to take a hold and accept their inner side, because that's exactly what I do. And that makes me see the world in a different perspective, a different frame of thought.

Accepting that the moon has a "dark side" means that you admit that the moon is a ball shaped, and not just a round thing floating on the sky above. It means that accepting "the dark side of oneself" also knowing that you are "whole". If not, then you won't be balanced at all and it will be just a facade. Admit one's wrong, weaknesses, confusion, are several ways to be a truly whole person.  It's called being human.

=====

PS: Darling, hope this can makes you remember what we're talking about last night! You know who you are...

Life's tough

Life's tough...

It is indeed tough for us to go through life, especially when we seem to facing problem which looks like never ending. Normally, those kind of problem revolves around family, rather than outside problems. Whether we like or dislike someone in our family because of their behaviour, actions, words, etc. That eventually will become our problem somehow in our later year.

Whether we realize it or not, the family which at first supporting us when we're in the earlier year of our life, will slowly start to nag us. And I just realize this during writing. That even when we're still a kid, our family even nag us by saying we HAVE TO learn not to pee ourselves, not do this and that. Well, it is for our good, but it still nagging, isn't it?

And then when we're at school, our family, our parents in specific, will push us to WORK HARDer for us to be able to achieve some rank in almost everything we do. But in reality, it's kinda hard to do because of all the competition, right? Then moving up to another phase in our life, whether we like it or not, they will start to ask about our aim in life, whether we want to work here and there, or do something useful rather than being a potato bag. Also in our relationship matter too. A lil bit this and that from them will always accompany us everywhere.

But then, we always think that: it's a restrain! It is my own life and I just want to do it like I want to! I'm tired of being asked this and that! and so on and so on... And for some people, their family is no better than that. Some families are just sort of thinking when you're finished your study, graduates etc and working, then it means it is your time to pay back... And I know some people who encounter such situation.

But thinking those thing will make the person fed up, stressed out and  even frustrated when they can't do anything about their situation that will becoming more miserable than it supposed to be. Because they have to think about this and that, that they are not supposed to think of before the time. Some will accept it as it is, while some will have a wistful thinking. Which one are you?

Life is fast, but is you don't stop once a while and look around, then you'll definitely miss it, the meaning of life it is. It looks life it is tough. But once we looked around, we will see each every detail of our life. That we were able to overcome our problem, no matter how big or small it is. That we've been battered in our life, but we end up as we are, getting tougher each and every time we fell down. That we, without realizing it, facing the same problem over and over again with the stronger intensity which makes us think that we're not finish with one, yet while in fact we're through the old one and start with a new one.

Fear not! You're not the only one who are facing problem in this world. Everyone has it and anyone that you meet, perhaps, have the same problem as you do. So you're not alone. Stop pitying yourself. Dust yourself up each time you fell, and face your problem head on. No matter what, or who it is. You are your own master, with the exception of God of course, so nothing can bring you down except yourself.

So.. my dear best friend, stop thinking too much and start to take a deep breath once a while, while enjoying the scene in your life roll itself in front of you. Don' t and never think that your problem is bigger than who you are. Life's tough alright... but it is NEVER tougher than you are, if you don't allow it to be...

Hope this will soothe you a lil bit since I'm not able to soothe you myself. Cheer up, lift up your glass and say, "to everything that happened and all that will come"

Be "Enough"

The secret of happiness is not doing the things that you like but liking the things that you do.

One of my friend in FB said this in her status, "may i have a life that filled with things that make me happy?..i mean,every little things & every step that i take,at least.." It is truly a wish that everyone asking in their life. To be happy in life. Isn't it?

But most of the time, we don't get what we want in our life. Reality often clashes with our dreams and shattered it that we can't even find one shard of what was our dream. But really, sometimes we wondered how can people be looking extremely happy, or how someone can seem so miserable? How can someone unfortunate in their own way can look so serene in their life, while most of us who are blessed feels... restless?

I found one answer to that during the time when I tried to clear my mind and coming to peace to my circumstances. It is trus that my circumstances are rather... unique, not like most people. My family are.. not like what they are seemed and that at one part of my life I despise them for... my being. The peace that I have after all this time makes me realize something.

I've learned many things in my short life till now, and that I become more mature than those who are in my age, regardless the circumstances. That I become who I am right now, molding by everything that's happened in my life. The rejection, the heartache, the feeling of being unwanted, the hurt, the pain, disappointment, and every negative feeling you can think and feel of in your whole life.

But also, I know all of those things makes me for who I am right now. That I can really FEEL the heart of those who are in dire need. And that I might be someone that can answer to their problem in my own unique way. Like the saying: "God will never give you anything that you can't handle, so don't stress" (hehehe.. I took this from one of my friend's YM picture :p) We shouldn't have stressed ourselves with our problem. Because our problem is never greater than Him.

And to be exact, the secret to your happiness is not doing the things that you like but liking the things that you do. That your life is simply a choice of a negative and positive thinking. Whether you can feel enough with what you have and be grateful for it, or you crave for more in the chance of you get anxious each day when you don't get what you wanted for so long. Whether you will feel jealous for someone who can be happy in their life, or you would feel happy for them and waiting for the right time for yourself. And there are many things in our life that can be an example of what's more to choose in the coming event.

And coming to truth, ever since I think positively in everything I faced, things gets better and better. And I can even smile during the hardest time and also bring happiness to others that's beside me. Their smile encourages me to do better each day to bring happiness to people. That unselfishness leads to better things in life and unexpected of people.

Sad as you be, but don't succumb to it. Get up, face the world and think that you're not the only person that ever feels like that. Or think that you can compare your problem with others and think that: "God! I'm lucky that I'm having this problem rather than that!". Stand up, dust yourself up, brace yourself, and smile! You're not totally alone!

Hope this insight of mine can brighten up your day and God Bless You!

I've Learned...

I've learned-
That you cannot make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned-
That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned -
That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you better know something. That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do. That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned-
That it's taking me a long time to become the person that I want to be. That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-
That you can keep going long after you can't. That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned-
That either you control your attitude or it controls you. That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is a first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned-
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you are down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned-
That sometimes when I get angry I have the right to be angry, but it doesn't give me the right to be cruel. That true friendship continues to grow over the longest distance, and the same goes for true love.

I've learned-
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned-
That you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what tragedy it would be if they believed it. That no matter how good your friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
That it isn't always good enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you must learn to forgive yourself. That no matter how bad a heart is broken; the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned-
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for whom we become. That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean that they don't love each other, and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned-
That we don't have to change friends, if we understand that friends change. That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned-
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned-
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. That the people you care about the most in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned-
That it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting someone's feelings or standing up for what you believe. That no matter what happens to me on earth or how much my faith falters, God's faith in me never dwindles or fails.

I've learned-
That life's lessons never end and wisdom can always be passed on.

An After Thought (after soooo looong...) and finally: A Peace of Mind

Let's say I meet someone that I fancy for now. And I'd say I quite like him for now. Would I dare to say "I love him" in the end? What love is actually?

And I question myself back now. Have I even been in REAL love? Or is the heartache I feel is just a figment of my imagination?

No! For so long I've denied the fact. That I'm just... I'm just fall in love with the idea of being in love with someone. And when I said it out loud last night, the feeling of being a broken hearted person for so long is GONE!!! It is just that simple! I'm breaking free from the pain, the heartache, the trouble, and all. And I really do hope it will be lasting.

For now, I'll just really laying back, looking around at the world that revolves underneath my feet and the people that touch my life and thinking: 'this is me now.. what about tomorrow? Will I have someone by my side to look at the life like now?' But I really don't have any worries about it. I don't really want to think about it.

Now all I want to do is to learn to feel. Feel as in feeling the air breeze upon my skin, the rain drop upon my skin, the heat from the sun (though I hate it so much if it's too hot), the smooth skin of baby holding on your hands with its own power (which I adore so much from them), the thumping on my heart each day that I can feel everytime I wake up in the morning or napping to know that I'm still alive.

And funnily, I feel it thumping even harder when I see him online, and my heart goes kaboom when there's a chat window says "hallo" to me every morning. And since I feel that way, I want to know him more... but keep a distance myself to let myself know whether this is real or just another imagination of mine.

A fatamorgana is even feel beautiful when you're totally expecting it. And I fell too deep before, that it really took me time to find myself a way out. So before I fell again to another dimension, I'd better stand back and see it clearly before stepping into it. And if I'm about to get lost, I'll get lost in the paradise and not another fatamorgana.

Reaching a peace on my own mind makes me realize another thing about being in love with another person. It doesn't require you to change nor change the person you love to be like what you wanted. Instead they will compromised each other and find their own pace in their lifetime. And perhaps each other will change for their own good. But in the whole picture, they don't want to dominate each other, but to walk together during every single aspect in their life.

Why I speak like this? I don't really sure. This comes to me when I accepted the truth about myself and admit the wrongs I'd done in the past. And forgetting other's mistake, though it's really hard. But I manage it in my own pace. And reaching a peace in my heart with myself is a GREAT gift I've receive from me. Not with anyone else, but only from GOD that HE gave me the strengh. Because HE definitely knows my troubles and wrongs, and HE corrected me in HIS own way.

So for now, I'll just look at the world in it's own big picture and will be focusing on each and every detail later on.

Counting Your Blessing

Good God.. It's Totally been more than a month since I last write about anything. In this past months, my life seems like a blur to me even I can't seem to take a deep breath and relax like I was used to - back in the unemployment day. Not that I complained about it, but it's just such a drastic change from my life that I seem to become used to it first.


I'm just writing this in memory of the so-called 'tragedy' in Jakarta last night, where everywhere is flooding and traffic jam is affecting all people in all area in Jakarta. And I'm counting my blessing during such moment because, no matter how far my home is, I, seems to be one of the working persons in my area to be home early without getting into any traffic at all.

Well, I realized that sometimes, in our daily activities, we seemed to forget to count our blessing each day. With every sunlight that comes down to remind us that we are living another day. With every breath we take, no matter how polluted it is, we are reminded that we are still alive. With every problem in the office we're facing, we are reminded of we, at least, still have income to be spend each month. And many more things that seems insignificant, but we are forget to count the blessing in our life, no matter how difficult it is.

So with this writing, I want to count today's blessing that I, have woken up this morning with a soft and gentle caress of sunlight on my face, have a breakfast without having to think about where to find it, going to office with a public transportation instead of walking, and be at office with an air con even though sometimes the air is too hot to even feel the cold breeze. But at least, I'm enjoying my life, and I'm counting my blessing that God has given me. At least I also still have friends out there, whom though we are rarely meet, but we're still in contact with one another.

So... Have you count your blessing today?

Regards,

Shin

Cherish and to be cherished

Cherish The Moments

Cherish the moments that life has to give

So you can remember as long as you live.

Memories are all that shall ever remain,

Of moments of life you can never regain

Children, your family, friends that you knew,

Will grow up or away and bid you adieu.

Nothing's forever, not written in stone,

The past is behind you, tomorrow's unknown

So capture today, take THIS moment, NOW,

This may be all the fates may allow.

Hold close to your heart, those moments of love,

And cherish them all as a gift from above.

© 1986 Beatrice Boyle



Life is truly full of surprise for us. No matter who we are, we know the feeling of cherishing something or even someone.
In one point of our life, when we are small, we must have one toys that we cherish so much that we feel we're losing something when we lose it.
Growing up, we replaced the toy with someone. The feeling is a little bit different than when we were small.
When we're cherising our toys, the feeling is only one way. Because there is no way toys can give back the feeling to us. We feel happy, becaue toys don't have feeling and is not able to give us any insecurity. All we know is that there is no way to take the happiness from us except the toys is lost (which will never be if we could prevent it)
But it's different thing when we're dealing it with another person.

Person that we cherish may not give us back what we're hoping for. Person that we cherish may even not regarding us of what we're doing for them. Person that we cherish may not know that we're doing it.
Some romantically call it "unrequited love". I, personally, call it "EMOTIONAL HELL".

Maybe we're used to hear the saying: Love, and you shall be loved.
But don't expect it from the same person. It's just... sometimes we have to let it flow. Perhaps that person will regard us back, but most of the time - and I'm saying this as a matter of fact, seeing how often I feel this way - the other person just swat it and let it go. Just like that.

I learned my lesson in a hard way. Cherising someone doesn't always mean that we'll be cherished back. But have it ever occur to us that maybe... maybe we also do the same thing to someone that cherish us?
We might be so blind with trying to cherish someone that we don't see clear with other people. But when you're trying to step back a bit, and try to see the world like a movie, you'll find that there are people who also cherish you.

Like people saying, "Move on, baby, move on..." It shall be done.

Love is just.. Love

Love is an illusion created by the desire of man to have someone by their side on their death bed.
Love is such an abstract feeling that is hard to describe, even by all the writers in all centuries.
Love is undescribably through a simple words, yet a whole book also can't truly describe it.
Love, it's complexity passed through generations, still a code that is unsolved even by the genius all over the world.
Love, a figment of feeling in our heart that actually dominate our whole life.
Love is... a word full of meaning yet no one can actually describe it in a better wording.
Love is just... Love... No other speculation can be said about it. No argumentation too.
Love is just... Love

Just One of the Test I take on my leisure time

Taken from: http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/

The name is surely powerful in giving one's life meaning. Mine nonetheless...

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are very charming... dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts.
You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it.
You have the power to rule the world. Let's hope you're a benevolent dictator!

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.
You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.
People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

Life's one wonder

Today I just witnessing one of the greatest event nature has given. One of my best friend give birth to a baby girl, which given name is: Audrey Nalini Siraj
At 2.840 kgs and 46 cm, she is truly one wonder that came from her mother's womb. A miracle that God has given only to women to bear such things.

Though she came by by surgery, my friend and I get to think that it is one battle that involving life and death that only separated by a string. One wrong move and there will be no more words to say.

I just don't want to say too much now since I don't want to spoil my mood. But let this be a remembrance for me for such event has happened in my life.

Yume nanka.... Hontou ni?? O_o"

It was early in the morning. That's for sure. But the memory was hazy. It was just a dream, but it feels real. Is it? I also don't know. But the feeling I have is real.

It surely in the office. There were my offices friends, my supervisors, trainers, and boss. All in all, there were only... us who were only stay at office till quite some time.
This event is involving me, my -sorta- crush (which actually not) and also a sempai in my office AH, and one of my friend, DD.

Well, DD was asking me something about the work (I forgot what he was asking actually) and I, fortunately know the answer. There are me, on the end of the desk, DD and then AH. Then I asked AH, which I believe he will know the answer in more composed manner since I can only provide DD with a big picture of it. But AH is just sorta ignoring me, which he does quite often to other people too. His 'kankennai' attitude -it's not my business-is known very well to me, but sometimes it irks me too. AH is just tidying his bags and he passes through DD then me.

I just tug at his coat, saying "ne... is that right, what I said?" Then suddenly AH stop and bend down towards me in a swift movement, showing his face in front of me in such a close up. I gasped and bring up the paper I didn't notice I was holding, trying to put it between our distance. And AH... he just give me a fluttery kiss on my cheek, making me shocked and turn my head towards him, only the thing that face me is his lips on mine. Such a velvety feeling. And he went when everyone makes a fuss. I don't think they know what happened, but I'm not exactly sure about it either. He just gave me a knowing smile and went off just like that.

I woke up, dazed. I don't know if it's real or not. It's just a dream, but it surely feels real. I even still can feel his breath on my face, and the velvety feel on my lips. Even the moisture of the kiss seems like lingering on it. It's too real to be a dream. I feel my face hot from the memory so I just wake up and take a good measure of shower, just to hide my embarrassment.

A dreamer, a realist, or a fool? You tell me...

Notes:
This is just a character that I try to wrote before. And this is what they're thinking -almost- time to time. Now you tell me, what kind of person if this?

---------------------------

Whatever you wanna try to say to me, I won't listen to you. As long as you can't be dominant than me, you'd better shut up. As long as you can't prove yourself worthy, I won't listen to you. Only those who are dominant, and can prove themself to me can told me what to do.
Why you have to be bitching around while you can't do anything yourself? You're the one who at fault, but you're trying to make yourself feel better by trying to look down on one that cannot do anything yet. And that is the thing that I despise most. Stepping on someone that's already in their lowest point, without you knowing it, or in this case, you already know it but you just don't care.
If I want to do things deceitfully, I can. But I won't.
If I want to be successfull easily, I can. But I won't
If I want to live easily, I can. But I won't
I can only stay in the shadow, stay silent, and not be able to say anything for now. Revenge is such a sweet word, i know it. But I don't want to do it. I'm just want the world to see what can I do for them, if only...
For now, if only it seems the only word I can say since I cannot prove myself. The day will soon come when I'll stand victorious. And people will see the glory in the end.
I just don't wanna be hurt anymore. That's all. Can anyone heart what my heart cries out? It's crying, screaming, writhing in agony. All because of the people. Or should I say it's because of me? I;m at fault too, but what can I do? I just don't know what to say anymore. I'm just blank and don't wanna do anything about it but hope that the world will change one day.
It's easier for one to change rather than the world to change, I know that. But people just don't know what's best for them. And whatever contradiction they face, they'll just reject it fully without even considering it. That I know. But I just don't want to change. I know I'm not at wrong, so I just don't want to be wronged. And I don't hope to wronged other people. Could they just leave me in my own peace? It seems impossible.
Sigh~
If only.... That's the only word for now. Until I can do something about it. And I will. One day.......

An Outsider

I feel like been pushed away slowly
Though they try to know about me
I cannot feel their sincerity at all
Selfishly I wanted their attention
But I cannot bring myself to ask for it
Nor I cannot bring myself to adjust with it.
With who I am right now,
I just can only envy
With who I am now,
I just can stand afar
Looking at them with jealousy
They just can't accept me for who I am
If they're going to be like this
Why they bother to befriend with me
Why they bother to spend time with me
Is that because I'm such a convenience
Or is that they pity me if I'm left alone
I just don't know
And I don't care to know about it
It's better to be alone
No one can hurt you
No one can affect your judgment
No one...
Not a single person can
So, here I am
Back to square one
Back to my sacred place
That no one can touch
No one can enter
After all, I'm truly just...
An outsider....

The end of the road is yet unseen...

Have you ever feel like... wanting to stop in one point of your life just because you've had enough? I often got it, and usually because I'm currently -feel like- in the lowest-point of my life. It's a feeling where you see and feel like there is no way out anymore, and that you're just being pushed around by the situation to the end of the road. It's because you cannot see the road that you're walking through. It's like there's fog everywhere and you can't even see where you're going. One wrong step, and you might be found dead.

In that kind of situation that I currently having, I'm so... trying hard to overcome it. The situation is so overwhelming that it suffocates me. But I just can't give up yet. I still got my mum to feed, and to take care of. I just can;t give up. I think it will be different if she's no longer in this world. I mightn't not been able to write this notes down as I must probably been long gone.

It's not me being pessimistic about life, but I'm actually tired of having an ability that I cannot even use because of there's no chance for me to use it. Sometimes I find myself being bitter towards the world, but I see it as a defense. I've been hurt too many times in my life. Even as an unborn baby. And it hurts. So much.

And then I met people, that's just trying to took advantage of me. And it just making me feel more to defending myself from being hurting anymore. It's either kill or be killed. And I'm a survivor from those kind of things. So it means that I kill their chances to hurt me by hurting them first with stating their intentions.

I;m writing this with such emotion to kill someone. A man, which confirm my theory of: Men's brain are in their d**k rather in their head. Men are ruled by their d**k rather their logic. And so on. And I don't think anyone can change that opinion if I'm hurt again. Like a porcupine that looks harmless, they will be harmful if they sense danger. That's who I am...

Gotta think of a title but none come out

Hisashiburi-desu~

It's truly been quite long since I last update this blog. And the first time I abandon it for this long. Working is consuming my strenght as well as my brain. It's sizzling hot by the time I got home, and I just can get myself to think of anything rather than sleep. Well, mostly it;s because of the sleep deprived I got this week.

So, I'll try to update my situation later on, but don't hope too much on it.

Ciao~

Void

Have you ever encountered a day where your mind, heart and everything else is void? If it is, then it must be you already feel bored with what you have in life.

I find that my life came to an uninteresting turn lately. No job, no money, no boyfriend, no an interesting meet with people, well, to sum it all, nothing at all. And I'm tired but I can't do anything about that too. All I can do is just take a step of finding a job, and meet new people and hope for the ball to roll in the right direction.

Job and money can come to me eventually if I go to work. People too, as I find that people can connect with me easily. Does that mean I'm a desirable person? I am not actually that, mind you. I'm a totally selfish, egoistic and straight-to-the-point kind of person to the extent of it might hurt someone's heart hearing me say something I don't like. But people tend to link me as the easy-going type, friendly and lovely kind of person, which is really perfect for an HR department.

Boyfriend. I'm not particularly thinking about it, but it actually would be nice to have someone to share a bit of yourself too, with the promise of future together. And as for that, I think I would find it very difficult to find MY kind of man.Yessss.. It is indeed a big MY in this context since I can't stand people with a single weakness or someone I can't put respect on. I know it's bad enough, but I'm not being picky. It's truly not nice to see a man being bested my his woman. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't wanna see a man being bested by me. I'm dong everything perfectly to my own standard, so I hope MY MAN can do it better than me. It's gonna be hard on all of you guys, but sorry. I'm not accepting a weak man.

Anyway, why I'm even rambling about all of this right now? I also don't know. Just like the title said, 'void', my feeling right now is also void. So don't ask me why. It's just me trying to sort thing out in my own way. All is well, I'm feeling a bit better. So I'm off for now.

Ciao~

This week will be.. Special...

Yeah, like I said in the title. I guess this week is a lil bit special. Why? Well, I got to sign something up. And.. oh gosh, I just forget to call up someone while I'm writing this! That'll go to my to-do-list for tomorrow. And then... My account is active again, with all the money still intact. Thanks GoD... Well, though I have to lose some because of my lack of confidence in myself, but I'll pay that much sum in order to get the valuable lesson, which is, never doubt my 1st intuition.

Next is that this weekend will be the busiest weekend ever for me since... I don't know how long. Well, that's the privelege of being single. I can do anything without have to consider for anyone's feeling. Just for tomorrow only, I already got 3 things scheduled. And Saturday will be another 2, while on Sunday... I will be really special since my lecturer, after all of this time, is getting married!

I was like.. wow... It's been a while since I last hear from her, and the time she contact me is to say that she's getting married. I just don't realize how time flies. Next it might be mine... Though I still need to find "uri namja".

I gotta go for now, but see the update soon...

Ciao~

I think I'll give it a try

It's actually not been a while since I lastupdate, counting last Monday I did my blog. But it seems like ages ago since last time I write.

The 2 days in this week seems like long, very long. It's all because I need to wait for a very long time to know what's this Offering Letter consist of. I didn't get to it on Monday because the stupid printer won't work. It spilled ink everywhere, making us, the trainee, went home in an empty hand an an anxious feeling.

And as per yesterday, we had a game of trading (did I wrote that the company is an index company? In case I didn't, well, here is the truth) and I won the 2nd position with a $3,920 nett profit from $10,000 (fake) start money. Quite nice eh? Wait till you know how much the 1st position have... $7,830!!! Crazy, eh? Well, since there's only 2 winner that was allowed from the start, I get the prized money!!! Yay!! :D

Well, after all the excitement gone, we're waiting for our Offering Letter. And it's not shocked me at all with their conditions. After all, they're the type of company that needs money. Who doesn't? And if we know what kind of thing we can get and how actually easy it is, everyone will wanting to go there. So, I signed it with a probation of 3 months time.

My trainer said that it'll b easy. But I think I'll try my best, getting a lot of information 1st, learn how to do t right, and we'll see later. After all, 2 of my colleague already can have my kind of money or even the 1st winner kind of money each day. So, why can't I?

Eventhough life is not all about money, but I can't shrug it off the reality that we need money to live.

So, that's all for now. I'll be back with other things to write.

Ciao~

Life is all about WAITING

No matter who we are, all we've been doing up until now in life is mainly waiting for something to happen. Why can I say such things? Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

When we are a child, we always anxiously wait for our favorite cartoon to play in the TV. Or waiting for the day to pass early so that we can play with our friends again in the next day.

Next, when we are a teenager, we eagerly wait for us to be an adult. We rebel to our parents in order to have whatever we want in mind. We can hardly wait for tomorrow to come so that we can be one more step to adulthood. Also, we also waiting to be graduated from the school we're in so that we can be in a new environment.

After we're graduated fron the school, we are also waiting for an employment, or whatever activities we are joining in. And let's say we are an employee, the most obvious thing we're waiting is for the payday, a raise in salary, or a raise in rank.

If you want another example, we are also waiting for the right one to come to our life, have a family and growing it together.

So, actually what we're doing in life mostly is waiting, right? No time is been waste, but actually what we're doing in the waiting time is important. What we're usually do when we're waiting for our time to come? Do we waste it with unimportant things, or do we fill it with experience of life?

For now, I think in my life, I've done both. Though mostly we're usually do unimportant things, but I want to tell all of you, that life is just once. Please fill your life with things that matter, experience, and memories.

Ciao~

How time come and go so fast...

It's Saturday again without I notice it. Maybe because for the last 2 days I'm not iddling around at home doing almost absolutely nothing of importance, but I;m at office, which I actually have nothing to do yet except chatting or socializing or just listening to the training given just for the sake of it.

I only need to see on Monday, whether the contract of work will be suitable to me or not, then if I accept it, then I will be a full -fledge worker there! So long unemployment, welcome salary!!!

Maybe it sounds funny, but I'm bored already being at home, doing blogging, some freelance work, and I think that's all. And I feel so happy to be back in business again, having new friends, and most of all, income.

I wish all is well, so that I wll be totally free from guilt feel. I think that's all for now as I am at loss at word. And I don't think my last sentence have a correct grammar structure at all.

Ciao~

An Update of my situation

Okay... I know it's been a while since last I wrote about the job thing... And today I went there, again. This time, there's no confusing conversation, no dealing with anything obnoxious.

It was a straight to the point conversation, about what I'm going to do (which is expected already) and the approximate payment I'll get. Well, truly said, it's not to what I expected, but with what I give as a negotiation... I think it's quite fair to get such amount. Counting the inconvenience I gave them in the earlier days...

Anyway, I think I'm gonna try this chance while collecting some more money from them too *grinning*. At last, I'll have something else to do to make my day. And mostly, I'll meet new friends, and have a "view" at the same time.. ehehehe...

And now, I got this... excitement, anxious feeling after I got back home. I'm happy, but also afraid to make people who trust me dissapointed. That's why I need to stay focus and do my best later on. Hwaiting!

Ciao~

Confidence is...

.: Confidence: The feeling you have just before you understand the situation :.

Again, early in the morning I read this sentence (don't you think I read a lot these days?) and I got punched in the gut! Well, not literally saying being punched by someone, but I am truly shocked with those sentences.

Confidence, if we look upon our dictionary, they all will say:

• assurance: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities;
• a feeling of trust (in someone or something);
• a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favorable;
• a trustful relationship;
• a secret that is confided or entrusted to another;

In this article (I don't know what to say about this writing except 'article') I would like to take the meaning of confidence as "belief in yourself and ability" as the best definition.

Do you ever feel confident before doing ANY task, but in the middle you started to feel a little bit... doubting your ability? It's not that you lose your confidence, but the task is such a tricky one that you might think, "Why am I doing this" or "Why I'm not doing that before?" or "I am wrong... I should've look before doing such things"

When we started to think all like that, we started to lose out ability to think clearly and that's when we, usually, started to do some errors. All of you might think "that's not true" but let me tell you something. That's human. Making mistakes, being proud of ourselves, that's a part of being human.

Not that I say it's wrong, but sometimes -most of the time- we rely on our own strengh too much, that we forgot our boundaries, our own limitation. And we feel like... tired, enough of all, whenever we see that we almost fail to do something. And our confidence in the earlier will vanish like a thin air.

That's why I said earlier, the sentence is making me realize, that things sometimes has it's own boundaries. That we sometimes feel we can cross over the boundaries, even though we don't know how the end will be. For me, having a confidence of our own ability is good. But what to be remembered is that... We are nothing compared to GOD. My ability came from Him, and that's all that I have to remember every time I meet some problem.

As for those who don't believe in God, you must have feel that there are greater nature working too, right? And you believe in that, adding to your ability to make things right. It's the same with me. I can't do anything without looking at the possibility. And when I'm stuck, no matter how, I always can get our from the pich. With some help from someone, or even from a dream that I have at night. Funny, isn't it?

It seems to move to another topic if I continued this, so I'd better stop at it. Once again, I want you all to think it through:

Confidence: The feeling you have just before you understand the situation

Ciao~

Life is not..

.: Life is not about facing the storm, but to dance in the rain :.

Looking at those words above, I feel that it is the exact word of what we're supposed to do. Dancing. In dancing, there are a taughtable steps, but also there are wild dancing, where we dance with what we have, and with our heart, in order to express whatever we're feeling.

Life, stormfull as it is, and if we face it head-on with our own principle, then we're gonna break down. Because no matter what, how old the tree is, whenever there is storm, they tend to bow down to the strong wind, and if the tree is so old, they will break down someday.

But when we're enjoying what life has preserved us, we're going to be like a dancer, beautiful, and unbreakable. Why? Because by dancing, we can determine our own step. We know when to stop if the wind is too strong. We know how to face our problem whenever it come.

Have you ever dance in the rain? We usually look at how cheerful the kids when they playing and even dancing in the rain. They don't think of the consequences of being sick, but fixed their heart to the very moment. They enjoying themselves with it. And they are happy, beyond comparison.

When is the last time you're feeling happy without any boundaries holding you back? Without thinking what the consequences of your action might result? We, the adult, I'm truly afraid that we forsake the luxuries of those feeling when we started being worry to other people's thinking. We worried too much , that we often forget that the life we're living, is our own, not theirs.

So, why don't we "throw away our umbrella's and dance in the rain" for once? Because life is just once, and the seconds passed cannot be brought back.

Ciao~

The meaning of "Sorry"

Song: Illegal
by: Shakira


Who would have thought
That you could hurt me
The way you've done it?
So deliberate, so determined

And since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
And question my own questions on and on

So tell me now, tell me now
Why you're so far away
When I'm still so close

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

I tried so hard to be attentive
To all you wanted
Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong?
I'm wondering for days and hours
It's clear, it isn't here where you belong

Anyhow, anyhow
I wish you both all the best
I hope you get along

But you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart

======

Often times we say sorry in our life, but how many times do we actually mean it? It's not only in the context of loving someone, but in our daily life. We are used to say "I'm sorry" so easily, but we only do it because it is a habit we were taught since earlier day, to say sorry when we are wrong.

But once again, how often we're saying these words with meaning it truly? I'm trying to figure it out myself, because I'm also human. I also often time saying those kind of words just for the sake of saying it, without really meaning it. Most of the times is because I don't know where I've done wrong, but also some other times are because I don't wanna admit I'm at wrong.

Selfish, isn't it? But we, human, is a selfish being. And even though I'm supposed to be ashamed for that, but at the same time, I am also proud that I can admit that. Why? Because people often try to deny what they are actually. And for me, by admiting my weakness, I gain more strenght in life.

Hearing the song "Illegal" sang by Shakira, makes me thinking a lot of things, including the word "sorry". And it makes me want to make the word itself worth in my life by not using it without any feeling of regret. Naive, it may seem. But I wonder, what the world will like if everyone can have that kind of conscience...

Well, I think that's all from me for today. Till the next post.

Ciao~

One-Sided Love

=- This is just something that comes into my mind at the moment =-

This is a feeling I felt inside
Whenever I look at you,
Whether it's your back,
or is it your eyes,
Twinkling brightly when you smile
Or even your voice.
It gives me butterfly.

My heart flutter everytime you're near
And I can'a hardly wait till I can see you again
Even though I don't look like it,
But I do adore you, love...
I just don't have the courage
To tell you these things

Adoring you from afar
Wishing you to be mine
It seems impossible
to have you by my side
But let me have this dream
For this is only my simple wish.

I don't need any recognition
I don't need anything
Just be able to see you is enough
So, please let me be just there
Looking at you
Loving you in my own way

========

How time fly by...

I just went home from a reunion of one of the club I attended back in university. I decided to update this blog immediately so I still have the feeling of being there at this moment, before I forget it.

Well, it was the 11th anniversary of the said club, Nippon Club. There were a lot of people indeed that attending the event, but of course, the newer member of the club are dominant. Even though it is like that, I feel so happy to meet other older member from earlier generation.

Looking back at the event, I feel that the time surely fly by. I was young, very energic (not saying that I;m not right now) back then, hopping here and there in the club, making friends and memories. And now, when I attend one of the event held by the very club I attended to, all I feel is just a reminiscence of what I were before. And how the feeling os different now.

The club is bigger, more successful, and merrier if you compare it now and then. Of course it should be like that if it's already more than 10 years. It's just like us, human being. We started as baby, then growing up, start walking, talking, and then in time, we also making history of our own by our own hand. No matter how small it is, the time will etched every single detail in our memory.

And I'm happy, and feel bliss to be one part of that kind of companion, where they always look one after another, no matter where or what we are doing.

Keep up the good work, and be more successful in the future to Nippon Club of Bina Nusantara University!


Jya ne~

What is desired in a man....

.:What is desired in a man is kindness, and a poor man is better than a liar (Prov. 19: 23):.


In this world nowadays, I found it is really a difficult task just to find a truly kind man that is honoring his family above other people, but not before God Himself. What I found usualy is that they go out to work, meet an interesting nonetheless beautiful and charming lady in the office or somewhere near vicinity, and get hooked. Whether it is the intention of the lady, or not.

And they usualy tend to force their way in if they feel that it is a challenge to make her his. And that is what I find truly despicable. I don't know why it is really difficult to find a kind man these days, or is it that in their nature to... have a lot of wives? Because since the beginning of the earth and since people roaming in the earth, we saw that (almost) all men has more than one wife. Whom to blame? I don't know.

What I know is that... God created man to couple with one woman only in their life. And that's why I find why women is often can remember the man in her life. Because they are actually designed to love only one person in their life. So as man, actually. But since women are an emotional creature, they tend to live with it. While men, as a logical creature, try to ease the feeling they have by having a distraction rather than facing the problem head on.

So, there's a reason why I put those words above from Proverbs. It's not that I'm religious enough to have those impacted in my life, but it's just I feel those words are the exact way to tell people to (pardon my word) fuck off and mind their own business instead of trying to... know me in a deeper way with another intention of... I don't know what. Oh, well, I know very well what they're after, but I just don't wanna put it in words, if you know what I mean.

So, is it possible to find a real kind man in this world? If I can meet several before, I do believe that there still another out there. It's just that I haven't meet with him, yet. And I hope God will show His way for me to end this... despair I feel in finding the Mr. Right.

Ciao~

A Reminiscence of the Past (and Future)

I just finished attending one of my "grandma"s 69th birthday party. There were lotsa of people indeed came to celebrate it with her. There also lots of people giving a few word about her, that I -in the middle of those speech- were thinking, will I be able to see thing like this someday? Will all my friends came to celebrate my nth birthday, or will I be able to see my family came together on that day?

Wow.. It seems so far, yet so close. We don't know how long we can actually live in this world. And I decided, as I live, I want to be remembered by people, wherever I go, so that someday when my family goes some place, they can see what I've dont to those people in that particular place.

Actually there a lot of things I want to say, but it's already late and I have to do something in the morning, so it's best for me to get some sleep so I'll feel refresh later.

Ciao~

I know what I want....

She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that’s important—you know

To know what you actually wanted is an important thing in your life. Not knowing it, means that you've lost some essence in your life, that you still looking for it. And that's not a pretty picture. Sometimes, we feel like... empty, and that's just because we actually don't know what's missing.

For me, enjoying my time, relaxing, going out with friends, doing my hobbies, writing, watching movies, or even day dreaming, is not enough to fulfil what I actually wanted in my life, though it shows that I have a life.

What I wanted in my life is to be useful for everyone, to build people to become better. To show people what I am capable of, and that I am actually worthed. And also I want to make my family -in my case is my mum- to be proud of me. Nwvertheless, I want to show my biological family that I can survive even though they don't help me anything at all.

And I am actually glad that I know what I want, even though the road to it is bumpy and not smooth at all.

Ciao~

If it's meant for me....

:: If it's meant for me, it will be mine...::
:: If it's not meant for me,::
:: I'll have something BETTER::

Looking up at those words, I feel a little much better.
As you all know, I've been anxious and confused over few days. And I feel that I am right for my decision yesterday. Why? Because for the first time after I step my feet on that company, I feel free and relieved.

I've been put in a not so nice situation where I have to think over about my qualification (which is torturing) and yet I now feel that I do something terribly right. They rise their offer.! But that for another day. Will write after I get the exact situation. I don't wanna speculate things for now.

Ciao~

Still... Confused

I actually don't know what to do again today. I;m still at home, relieving my frustration of the event that happened before me yesterday. Yeah. I'm still confused and anxious of what should I say to them. Should I back off, or should I come and join forces with them? Been talking with several of my friends, and they said to take it. But my heart say no. And my mum also not helping at all. On top of that, she;s being a total B***** this morning, making me feel reluctant to do anything for today.

My mood suddenly become black and then she just sit there, saying nothing at all or try to encourage me for anything. And I'm in a complete loss of words or action at that moment. And now here I am, in front of my laptop, still looking for what I wanna do.

Ciao~

Confused... Total Devastation

I was telling myself something in the morning, anticipating whatever may come on my way. And yet, I'm coming back with a fuzzy mind, feels like a lightning has struck through me in the day, when I heard about the position they offer me, and how much they gonna give me for that.

I'm a realistic person... Yes I truly am. And yet.. here I am, stranded here in my room with TV blaring and my head full of the song "Waka Waka" and the conversation I had earlier in the afternoon, fully CONFUSED and DEVASTATED. I truly don;t know what to do. It was such a disgrace for me, yet I know I need it and it;s such a good chance indeed. 1st thing in my mind is that I'm gonna get a FIXED income (which actually cannot pay anything at all after I calculated it very carefully)

But then , they also offered me something too, which makes me thinking more. And yet my heart still doubt it. I don't know. Don't really know what to do, what action should I take, what move should I make. GOD please help me... I'm truly desperate for an answer. And I need it tomorrow.

I have to get up tomorrow with an answer. Whether I must be going or not. And yet.. I don't think I can sleep that well with all of this in my mind. My body's weary from last night's event (World CUP 2010 final) since I haven't sleep at all. My eyes also feel bleary now.. But my heart is queasy. And my stomach is churning badly. I feel sick of this feeling, an extreme confusion.

Oh well, it's better for me to go off now, Perhaps I can get some peace for my mind during my sleep.

Ciao~

Confused Feelin

Okay, back again after so long been abandoning this blog (which not supposed to coz I vowed myself to update it n not losing the ID this time)

Been back to business again after so long been hibernating. Yeah.. You guys can see me as some sort of person who take things for granted, but I actually do think so too. I'm hating it for sure, but I also cannot deny such facts too.

I'm 24, but I don't think that I've done something that can make my mom proud at all. It's been more than 5 years after my dad passed away and since then I've been living life in full mask. A smiling, laughing mask that actually makes me sick everytime I'm under it. Been too long living a deceiving live that I don't know who am I anymore. It's been me for all these time and it's also been a habit too. Even if I'm hurt, I only can smile, or worse, laugh it of that ppl think that I'm too carefree.

But actually I'm not. And the worst thing is that I'm not doing anything to make it right at all.

Anyway, back to what I'm actually wanna share now. It's that I'm actually (might) gonna get a job!!! After 3 months of fully unemployed (apart from the time I'm doing this and that freelancing), I'm actually gonna work again.

The thing is that... I'm actually not quite sure about it. I started to apply on the company as a Junior Secretary though I'm actually not quite sure about my qualification for that too. It's just that the salary they offeri is quite above the average companies out there, especially in Jakarta. And I need financial independence. Also I'm already bored as hell at home, waiting for my freelance works.

So on Tuesday morning, I woke up by the ring of my phone, saying that they want to interview me at 2 pm. So I'm going (with a bit lost here and there on my way. Hahhaa). And when I'm arrived there, I get a shock therapy coz actually the company that asked me to come is the kind of company that I 'run away from'. But after all, I already there, so I think 'Why not stay and see 1st?'

And there I was, on my 3rd day of training. And they want me to becoma a Trainer. Look how funny it is? From one position to another. Well not that I don't like it, but I just feel that it's funny that it's like that. And now I must think whether I'll take it or not.

I have my own consideration for accepting or not the job, apart from the 'great views' there, a lovely friend I made during my training days, my boredom, and my financial condition. After all, I don't wanna have anymore regret in working anywhere anymore.

Oh well... I hope (and MUST) update about it on Monday.

Cheers,

Shin

African Music is... Enchanting :D

Just went back from a progra in one of my pastor's church and I'm home with a new memory. An exciting and surely unforgettable one.

I witness an African music being played, an lemme tell ya, it's an unforgettable memory. he people are dancing accoding to the music, the music that is surely gonna make your body move with the beat. An the togetherness that I feel there... It's undescribable by word.

And it's surely an exciting one. Can't wait for tmorrow to see it again.

Understanding People

These past days and months, I've been isolating myself from the world, with occasional going out whenever it’s necessary. During these times, I gain more understanding of people, more than I want to. And I ain't liking it a single bit.

Why?

Because understanding people requires you to sacrifice yourself, though you don't want to. By understanding them, you're making yourself funeral to their pain, their struggle. And that ain't a pretty picture, I tell ya.

People are made in this dull world to make it colorful. You might find an innocent and yet later you find them the complete opposite. And you don't understand what makes them like that. Or why bad people are bad.

I myself find a simple reason for that. It's in their past. It's in their background. It's in their surroundings. You see, bird of the same feather flocks together. Have you ever see ducks mingling with.. let's say... peacock? No, right? It's because their environment banned them to be together.

Don't say anything of trying to 'understand' someone if you don't want to accept their 'shadow'. If you only wanna acept their goodness or them in the light and refusing their shadow, you'll end up hurting them without you knowing it. Why? Because there is nothing in this world that has no shadow. In fact, it's already in a package ever since it's created, whatever it is.

But the most important thing in accepting people is that you have to accept yourself with whatever you have, whether you like it or not. If you still hiding behind a mask, then you haven't accept the dark side of yourself, thus you won't be able to understand fully about people.

So, are you ready to make a next step in your relationship with people?

Cheers and Shine,

Shinta

My First since...

Yea... At last, I got my own blog this time.. since my last blog is... a bit unknown (means that I actually lost it's address, dunno what to post, etc)
Well, I'll try my best to put my thought here, as I usually did in my notes in FB. Mostly it was just a random thought, but who of us is not doing that nowadays,eh?
Well... I don't know what this blog will look like in the future, but I do hope for myself that my writing skill will be improve with this. :)
Cheers for me

Past, Present and Future

This was supposedly happened on the 16th, and actually I posted it on my FB. But I hope this can be one of yhe purpose this blog supposed to be...

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Today... I scream again. I screamed on top of my lungs till I feel I can hardly breathe. And that does not even make me feel better... Instead, I even feel worse, for I have hurt someone again. And the wound from 26 years ago is bleeding again. With or without my intention.

I'm blunt. I'm hurt. But I don't think it can surpass the feeling that person feel. I'm protecting myself by showing a sign of weakness, and yet I'm hurting someone in the process. What a past held that the present and future don't? A definition. A define, exact fact that cannot be changed in our life. A definitive pattern that our DNA carries on to our future.

A past so dark can change a bright future ahead when it unveil. A past can affect our comprehension of things happen in the present. A past can cloud people's heart in a brief moment. And a past is... unchangeable.

A present is something that exist because of the past. What we do today may affect out future. Therefore a past is definitely powerful enough for us to consider our present. A present is a thing that is also unchangeable, but not unexpected. Because we live it with our life, stand on it, and will cherished or hated it later. A present... is a present that is unknown, yet can carry a story.

A future... is unknown. Indefinitive. Yet is a result of a past and present. A future can be decide by what we do today. A future might be something we already thought about in the past, as a dream. Yet a future is partly dream nor destiny. It is merely a result.

Why am I saying all this? I don't know. It is a result of something happened in my past, also something happens in the past minutes I write this. And why this topic? Why past, present and future? Because people, usually, unconsciously do things based on their PAST experiences, without regarding anything else, even the PRESENT one to determine their FUTURE. That is how we usually act. And that is exactly what happens.

A harsh decision has been made. And the hurting parties are bleeding. Still bleeding. And don't know how or when it will stop. And once more, we stand on the point blank. Again...

A letter for a 'missing' friend

This is a feeling that I must say, no matter what. This is for you, whom I gave anonymously, and you're supposed to know this. I'm not asking you to think about it now. I'm just merely saying it. Because I care for you. Because I love you, my friend... And I do hope you can be a better 'man'

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I know it might get you uncomfortable... But yet, I still ask you those questions. Why? Because I want to know who is me in your world. I need to know your pain, because I feel that I'm the one who cause it. I'm the one who inflict it. And I feel it even though you're saying I'm not. 

You can say I'm self-conscious, egoist, the-whole-world-revolved- around-me syndrome, or anything, I don't care. All I know is that you were a better man. It's a past tense, darling. Not a present, but I still hope for the future. Maybe better than you were used to be. With all the experiences and all the pain that you get along your way.

A true friend doesn't just sit down, letting their friend get carried away in a bad way. A true friend doesn't let you ease your pain easily. A true friend won't patch your wound as soon as you're hurting. A true friend doesn't look or try to look good in front of your eyes to gain your favor. That's just a true have fun friend.

A true friend will try to stop you whenever they know you're up to not good, even though you're forcing your way out. And they won't give up for that even though their body gets beaten badly (this is just a sample, don't try to beat up anyone to prove whether they're your true friend or not *wink*). A true friend will let you succumb in your pain, letting you vent out your sadness, rage, you-name-it, and then after you're calm down, they're gonna give you some insight. A true friend will hurt you even deeper when you're hurt, to make sure there are not a single shard left behind to infect you later on. They're gonna let you bleed out till the blood gets clean. Then they're going to patch it up.

It's not an easy process, and most people are missing that. Not all people in this world will have the luxury of a true friend. But if you show some concern to people, for sure you will get another concern from other people. But all people... well I think almost all, will reject those kind of friend. Why? Because they don't want to look ugly or don't even want to be point out their mistakes ON THEIR FACE. Just admit it, will you?

I'm writing this out of my concern for you, dear. I know you, or I used to know you. But the YOU that I now (I thought I) know, is... way different that I think you're cease to exist. You're trying hard to prove that you're here, in this world, trying to ignore your pain. 

I knew your pain, your trauma, your fear. But yet I did something wrong before, yet making you... lose your steady way. And then I hurt you again. And you're... disappear. And when you're back, you have transformed into... an indescribable person. All your adventures, all your saying, all your manners, force me to think.. Is that you? Why I keep feeling that the you that I know is being pushed down and trampled on to make the you now exist? And why I keep feeling that the child inside you is calling out for me, without you knowing it or realize?

And all came into me. I'm the one whose at fault. I'm the one that make you this way. And I'm supposed to make it right again. It's not a responsibility for me to do that. But it's just my conscience of being human who force me to be like that. Even you push me away how many times, I'll still be there for you. To remind you of the kind, smart, funny, caring, loving you. And ease your pain. But as for now, forgive me for keep on hurting you. Because I must know. Because I miss you, my dearest friend.

Love,
Your friend. :)

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I do really hope that this message can get through my friend's heart... And I know you're not gonna despise me for doing this, but I do hope next time we talk, I can get some of you back..

Frozen Time

It's just a note that I wrote in the middle of the night (midnight actually), where the temperature in my room is bone-chilling (actually bcoz I got a fever) and this just happen to come into my mind, the two characters of my new novel. Hope it won't offend anyone with it ;) 

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It was way late at night when one’s can hear nothing on the distant. Or even one can hear one’s own breathing due to lack of sound in the night. In the darkness, the person looks up to the ceiling quietly, not moving even an inch, afraid to disturb the peacefully sleeping person beside. Checking the sound breathing person, she removes the blanket from her naked body and get off from the bed. She doesn’t even think of putting anything on to cover up her body and slide straightly to the terrace where the cold wind blow fiercely on her, making her regret her decision to come out like that and getting herself back just to grab a silk robe from the couch. 

The lamp from the city still lightening the street and one or two cars can be seen driving down the lane in such speed that they cannot get during the day. She sat on the bench and stared out to the dark sky, trying to find one star out there. All she finds was a moving lamp of a plane, but no star. Not even one. She looked back to the bed, just to find the person laying there hasn’t even move a muscle. She smiled serenely. How she love the feeling of his hand touching her cheek, caressing her. His warm hand that can touch even the coldness of her heart, hot breath breathing down her face when they’re kissing each other passionately. Especially his voice when he said her name passionately. And the way he said that he loves her, sincerely. 

She put him as her dearest. And she knows that he also feels the same. But will the world think of that too? There are too many obstacles, too many things that need to be cleared in order for them to be together. And for sure, there will be a lot of people hurt for that. And she cannot let that happen. 
Love is supposed to bring you happiness. Love suppose to bring you joy. But what is this feeling of despair that she feels? Why she feel this way when she supposed to gloat of happiness? Is love also brings sadness along with happiness? Why even everyone keeps on getting a steady love life and why is that is so difficult for her to achieve? But she really believes that he is the “One” for her and that she wants it to be him that lay beside her every single night, no matter what people said. And she also believes that she can take every obstacle and pass through it with ease as long as he’s beside her. But can she sacrifice someone else in order to achieve what she wants? 

The cold wind blows, wrapping her in the icy feel like a snake, slowly gripping her quivering body. She involuntarily shivers. Her bone ache because of the coldness but her heart ache more because of the confusion. She wraps the robe closer to her body, trying to get some heat without actually have to move her body inside the room. She does not want to falter from her decision this time. Again. That is her decision. 

Time went on without her knowing and the firs ray of the sun hit her face with its warmth. After a long dark and cold night, the sun appears with its warmth and shine through the clouds brightly. She looks at the sky that turns red like blushing of the look of its lover and sighed. Standing up from her seat, she moves closer to the railing with her hand raised up as if trying to catch the ray. Intense as she is, she didn’t hear anything until someone put a coat over her cold body and wrap her in it with his embrace. 
She turns to face him, smiling at her without questioning anything. And that is exactly what she loves about the man in front of her. He never asks but patiently wait for her, understand her, and for most of all, supporting her. And for not, just for this moment only, she turn back again, facing the sun and set her head to his chest and let go of her worries. Just for now… Only now, she wants the time to stop like that. Freeze in that glorious moment with her, him, and nothing else but their love. 

Perseverance

One day I was stumbled upon one quote by Robert Leighton that said "The flower that follows the sun does so even in cloudy days". At that time, I suddenly like hearing God saying, "No matter how difficult your life is, never leave ME" And thus I also kind of saw a sunflower image at that time (which was a bit impossible at that time since I was on the road, to be exact in the bus). That's when I know that God Himself has given me this inspiration to tell all of you guys about "Perseverance"

The flower that follows the sun does so even in cloudy days

Well, what's the connection between perseverance and sunflower and that quote? Maybe some of you already know it, but I'm just writing it down in notes, so that everyone can get the message clear (I really try my best to describe it to you in a clear way) 

As we all know, the only flower that we can see following the sun movement is sunflower. Not that the other flower don't, but they only look upwards, while sunflower always follows wherever the sun moves. They "wake up" looking on the east, where the sun goes up, and "sleep" when the sun goes down on the west. That's the habit of a sunflower. They always do to, even when it is cloudy. And that is what we often failed to see. It's perseverance towards the sun.

Looking at the habit of the flower, we might think that it is usual. God has created it that way, so that's why it follows the 'unseen rule' like that. But have any of you ever thought this way? "God creates rule for every of His creation, but they have their own thinking of not following it". If that's so, then why it's only one particular flower that seem to follows it while the others not? We'll leave that question to God to give us enlightment. For now, I will only say that look at the flower's habit (and will edit this notes again if there's anything else).

God himself wants us to be like that. We woke up in the morning, looking sincerely to God, and searching His light in our daily life. During the day, when we work, we also required to look upon God so that we get nurtured with anything that happens to us -whether it's good or bad. And while we get ready to sleep, we also don't forget to still keep looking to our mighty God and thank Him for the day that we've been through. So that's basically the reflection of human's life from the sunflower's movement.

A flower doesn't have any defense from anything that come upon it. A strong wind will blow it, sometimes scattering it's petals, and anything that's can be blow off. Virus, worms, disease can get on it, trying to wither the flower, but we can see that sunflower won't neglect it's 'duty' to keep an eye of the sun no matter what happen. The perseverance we can see in sunflower should be implement in our daily life.

Often time we only see God, praise Him whenever we're in our best condition. Often we forget Him when we are facing some difficulties, only to find way back to Him when we remember that the only way is Him. And more often we forget COMPLETELY about Him when we're happy. Also, sometimes we have no perseverance in anything that we do, in that way that we quit half-way through (happens to me too, don't worry) without trying our best to see whatever may happen.Don't forget that sunflower, follows the sun from rise to set, preserving all the light in itself, just in order to 'cook' up the food that can be useful later on. The center of sunflower have many seeds that we, human, can eat or replant again. And it's not only one, but many, remind you. And that's how our life are supposed to be. Looking up to our one and only God, nurturing ourself of His light, and 'seeding' for others to enjoy. Once again I tell you, fellow brothers and sisters, that that's how God wants us to life. Not like an ordinary flowers, but like the sunflower. And that is exactly why that particular kind is the tallest and most eye-catching amongst all. Because they live to let people see how glorious God has created them. with the yellow color of petal so that people can see them 'shining' from faraway. That's how we should be reflected on other people's eyes.

Walter Elliot, an American Catholic priest, once said "Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other". It means that in life, there will be a lot of race that we have to face. And it won't end until the end of time. Whether we will be come out as a winner in the end or not, that will depends on our strength and, of course, our persistence (perseverance). As Winston Churchill also said that "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." It means that our perseverance that really counts in this life, and that's what God also wants from us, in our relationship with Him.

How long should you try? Until. That's what Jim Rohn, an American motivator said. It means that we have to try as long as we can, with everything we can, until the end. It might seem that it is really easy to tell this to people, but rest assure that I'm writing this, reflecting it to myself, as a human being with many flaw, and I know very well on the first hand that preseverance is NOT an easy task to do. If there's anything in this life that is easy, then we all won't grrow up and get strong. Then we all will life like a baby, full of weaknesses. It is really fulfilling when we can get on the finish line with our own strengh, rather than other people's strengh. We will feel.. proud of ourselves, but remember, everything that we can do, come none other than from God himself that gives us the chance and strengh to carry on with our tasks. Remember, you don't get paid for the hour, but to get paid for the value you bring to the hour. Means that everything will come in returns to whatever you are doing.

God never give us an easy path for us to take. Why? A song said: "The road to heaven paved with good intention" but in fact, it is really not easy for us to walk through it. It is because God wants us to learn. God wants us not to wish it were easier, bu He wants us to wish that we were better. That way, we can contribute to the world (our environment) something in return (in the future). He wants us to learn something so that we can teach other when they face similar problem by saying (and not BS-ing) "I've faced that before and I came out triumphantly". HE wants us to be a winner. And that's why preseverance is really needed in our life. All can have preseverance, but not all is strong enough to endure it. That's where we can ask God to help us. And that is why He never give us the easy way in our life, so that we can always remember Him.


Copyright @ Shintawaty 2010.