The first end of month of 2012

It's the end of the first month and I got my first resolution now.
I'm writing this blog for at least the first and the last day of each month, so at least I'll have 24 entries in each year.
Also it will show me how much I grow in this year, every month basis. I want to know myself better.

For now, I got several guys that are in frequent contact with me. 3 photographers (DD, AN, DC), 2 high school mates (TM, DS), a long lost friend (AP), a 'hubby' (BG), a long time crush (EA and it's him that had a crush on me), a fellow hobbyist (EB), and that's about it. 9 guys and I'm still single? What's wrong with this picture anyway?

I can't find what's wrong, but for now, I', enjoying the fun-flirt relationship with these guys. No. we're not going out yet up until now. A few promises, but that's about it since I'm quite busy and lazy to go out. *knock the table* From those guys, I just met 3 of them recently and that also at the same time. Perhaps 2 other times with one of them (AN) and that just because.

Funny thing is that I notice I don't really develop some romantic feeling up until now with any of them. I don't know about them, but I found brothers in them, and flirt friends only. Not lovers, yet. Can't really say about it much now since the future is yet to come. All I have is today, and what I feel now. Will I be able to find love with them? Or with someone else, differently.

We'll see it together in months to come.

Wish me luck

My personality based on test result

Personality... As it said

2. Introduction to your scores

Your personality is described based on five personality traits: Emotional stability, Extraversion, Conscientiousness, Agreeableness and Openness. Each personality trait has two extremes. The meaning of the two extremes is explained to the left and right of the scale with your score. If your score is more to the left on the scale, the words on the left apply more to you. If your score is more to the right, the words on the right are more applicable. If your score is in the middle, the words on both sides apply to some degree. Scores to the left of the middle are called low or below-average scores. Scores to the right of the middle are above-average or high. An average score means that your score for that particular personality trait is generally the same as the average for the reference group. Statistical analysis is used to calculate the extent to which your scores differ from the average score. Qualifications like low, below-average, average or high are not results that can be considered good or poor. Some situations call for a certain trait while the same trait is not appreciated in other situations. A person who is usually calm and collected will generally suffer little from stress. Others may consider that person to be unenthusiastic or unsympathetic.
Your scores are calculated in relation to the adult Western population. Generally, a distinction is made between people who have taken the test to gain more personal insight and those who have done it for an assessment or job interview. In general, people who do a test to gain personal insight are more critical of themselves than those doing it for an assessment or job interview. It is important to compare scores with the correct reference group as this will affect your results. You are considered to have taken this test to gain more insight into your personality. Your scores were therefore determined based on a reference group of people who completed the test for the same reason.

2.1 'Emotional stability'

This personality trait pertains to the extent to which a person is sensitive to stimuli in the environment and needs to have certainty and stability.

Your score on this trait is above average. This means that in comparison with others, you are generally reasonably calm. When others are stressed, you tend to keep your cool. You are not very easily annoyed or insulted. You are less sensitive to what others think of you. Thus you are relatively untroubled by shame or anger. You are also not easily discouraged. As a result, you may appear to be somewhat controlled and satisfied. You are sometimes known as indifferent to some people: a person who can be unmoved and cold-blooded. This can work to your disadvantage, however, when many people around you are enthusiastic or distressed. In such situations, your calm may be interpreted as insensitivity or a lack of enthusiasm. You get along well with more stable personality types: people known to be cool-headed. You sometimes find it more difficult to deal with people who are nervous or whiny.

2.2 'Extraversion'

This personality trait pertains to the need for social stimuli. It sketches the extent to which a person goes looking for action and others, for the place where things are happening, or tends to avoid disturbances.

Your score on this trait is just below average. You are equally fond of having fun with others and being alone. In general, you are energetic but not overenthusiastic. You like your privacy but also do well in groups. At parties or in a group, you do not feel a need for attention. If asked or if there is a reason to do so, you will voice your opinion. You do not feel the need to be busy all the time, but you are also not one to simply relax. You feel comfortable with people who are not afraid to take the initiative when the situation arises. But you can also deal with people who are more introverted or who crave attention. You enjoy contact with others, but this is not essential. You can appear to be both hesitant and spontaneous. In principle, an average score on this scale makes you open to both those who are reserved and extroverts.

2.3 'Conscientiousness'

This personality trait pertains to purposefulness. It reflects the extent to which a person is focused, exact and orderly, or flexible instead.

Your score on this trait is just above average. This indicates that you are a person who has his/her affairs reasonably well organized. You like to take a systematic approach without being too prudent. It is probably relatively easy for you to find a healthy balance between your work and your private life. You are the kind of person who can achieve impressive results with relatively little effort. However, striving for perfection is not in your nature. In other words, you are a person who acts to achieve a certain goal but who is willing to compromise. This makes you both effective and flexible, so that many people consider you to be a pleasant colleague or person. In general, you get along well with people who like order and neatness. As long as they are not too persistent.

2.4 'Agreeableness'

This personality trait pertains to attentiveness and people mindedness. It indicates the extent to which a person is interested in other people, and how affable the person is. A lower score points to a more business-like and functional approach.

Your score on this trait is average. You can be very friendly but also relatively direct. In general, you are interested in people and their motives, but can also be business-like. When you do things, you are guided by rationale on the one hand and the circumstances on the other. This means that you can take the feelings of others into account, but can also be relatively direct and less diplomatic. As a result, people will consider you to be both friendly and direct. In other words: a person who is not afraid to say what needs saying, but who is also able to do so in a friendly manner. You get along well with people who are nice but also capable of standing up for themselves. As long as they are not arrogant or individualistic.

2.5 'Openess'

This personality trait pertains to originality and intellect. It is related to the extent to which a person searches for new insights, or has a more practical, routine-like attitude.

Your score on this trait is just above average. Part of you is practical. Why make things difficult? But every now and then, with due cause, you will break away from routines or fixed patterns and be open to new ideas, or want to discuss things. You do like challenges and enjoy exchanging views at time. However, finding new ideas and experiences does not always have central focus in your life. In general, you focus on the here and now, but are willing to try something new if necessary or intriguing. Thus your approach is pragmatic. Many people appreciate the fact that you are not constantly wondering whether things can be done differently or better. By nature, you get along well with people who are original without simply refusing to maintain the status quo.

3. Key personality types

In this section, whether combinations of personality traits will result in an additional key personality type is reviewed. You have seen your score for each of the main traits for the Big Five. The score was assessed in terms of (very) high, (just) above-average, average, (just) below-average or (very) low. Combining the non-average scores results in key personality types that significantly add to your five personality traits. A key personality type can be used to summarize your personality based on your scores for the Big Five. A person with an very high score for Emotional stability and an very high score for Extraversion can also be very decisive. This person will be relatively unaffected by stress while also being the type to easily take charge. A person who scores above average for these personality traits but not very high has this personality type to a somewhat lesser degree. The personality type is then applicable clearly or depending on the situation rather than very clearly
Your scores for four of the five scales in the Big Five were average, meaning that none of the combinations of the personality dimensions can supply additional and meaningful information. This means that your personality profile is rather balanced. The advantage of a balanced profile is that in terms of personality, you feel at ease in many situations and many consider you to be a pleasant individual. As a result, you are generally relatively flexible and easy to deal with. People with more extreme scores will generally place more specific demands on their environment and will not feel equally at ease in any situation. People with a more balanced personality, like you, are not as troubled by that.

4. Summary

Some people are naturally more modest while others gladly sing their own praises. Because this report reflects how you see yourself, the results may have been influenced in a certain direction. You can also have someone else who knows you relatively well complete the test about you. Differences as compared to the test you completed for yourself may say something about your self-image or the way you show yourself to others.
Personality traits are generally considered to be relatively constant over the course of time. It is therefore wiser to look at the traits that you have and how they can be used to your advantage than to try to change a trait. That is much more difficult if not impossible, and requires relatively much more energy. Moreover, a certain trait that is less desirable in some situations can be highly advantageous in another situation, work or otherwise. The challenge is finding a hobby, study, partner, and home or work environment that is the best suited to your personality. The better the fit between your environment and your personality, the more at ease you will be and the better you will feel. This can be translated into happiness, success or pleasant relationships with others.
Lastly, it should be noted that this test measures five of your personality traits. A person's personality cannot, however, be completely expressed in five traits. Each individual is too unique to determine exactly how his or her personality works merely based on a list of questions. This test gives you the vocabulary with which you can look at yourself in comparison to others and learn from that comparison. In other words, understand that the test summarizes your personality without an ultimate total judgment. That is theoretically nearly impossible to do.


So.. to sum it up... I even haven't read it all. But I guess I'm just average. Haha...

What do I look for in my career life?

Career values

Your career values

Your answers determine the importance that the nine career values have for you. The nine career values are Wealth, Service/Dedication, Entrepreneurial Creativity, Autonomy/Independence, Security/Stability, Power, Technical/Functional Competence, Social Relationships, and Status.
The graph below shows how important each career value is to you. After the graph, each value is explained in detail, in the order of its importance to you. At the end of the page, we explain ways you can further investigate your own personal career values.

Power

These people like to be the ones pulling the strings. Power and influence are important aspects in their careers. They are driven by the desire to control or influence others, the environment, or the situation. In their career choices, the question of whether or not a job will give them more influence is the most important. They enjoy networking and to them, befriending or contacting someone new is often a way of gaining more influence.

Wealth

Wealth is related to the importance an individual attaches to material gain. Making money is often the most important reason for working. A high income and earning ever more money is an important career value and it determines a person's career choices. For such a person, a high or higher income is an important measure of success.

Security/Stability

For these people, long-term security is important. A job is seen mainly as a means to secure a pension and a mortgage. The level of income is seen as less important than the security of an income and being able to hold on to a job. These people often look at how stable a company is when choosing a job. Reducing financial insecurity is important to people who find this career value important.

Technical/Functional Competence

These individuals like being good at something. They are usually inquisitive and want to be perceived as the expert, the company's specialist. Specialists prefer to work on their own. Using their skills to meet a challenge is important to them.

Social Relationships

Social relationships are very important to people who find this career value important. Sociability and friendship are important reasons to have a job. There is no sharp boundary between work and private life. These people's career choices are driven by whether they will have or meet enough colleagues. How much they like their job, depends on the degree to which they can work with others and meet people.

Autonomy/Independence

Autonomy can be an important value. People who find this value important have a need for independence and want to be able to make their own decisions. It should not come as a surprise that these people often are, or want to be their own boss. Their career choices are determined by the degree to which they can work autonomously and according to their own rules.

Entrepreneurial Creativity

This person's main goal is to come up with new ideas or products. The important aspect of this value is being innovative. A procedural work environment that leaves little room for personal initiatives will be experienced as very restrictive. Creative people often prefer to work alone or in small teams.

Status

Impressing others and prestige are primary motivators. This person likes being a member of a privileged group. Formal recognition of accomplishments is appreciated. They like to be looked up to. Status symbols, such as titles and official recognitions, are openly displayed. Making money or gaining power are not goals in and of themselves, but are more often just a way to obtain status.

Service/Dedication to a Cause

This person's most important value is the desire to contribute to the greater good. Based on personal values and norms, this person wants to "improve the world" or contribute to society in a meaningful way. This person will often set aside his/her own interests. Service-oriented people are driven by how they can help others.


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Well that's all that took me for now. I need money. Hahaha... Who doesn't? But perhaps all of this will change in the future. But in the mean time? I won't deny this too...

 

My DISC test going...

http://www.123test.com/id=af4453e21be3018f1
Your specific distribution of scores on the DISC personality test is an indication of your unique personality. You can think of this as your DISC Personality 'DNA'. In the pie chart below you see your distribution of scores.
The highest percentage is likely to be your most dominant personality factor, the second highest your next most dominant personality factor and so on. As such for you the DISC factors are ordered as: Dominance, Influence, Compliance and Steadiness.

Your DISC personality type

Your unique sequence of scores characterizes you in a specific way. The positive impact you are likely to make on people is:
You have a strong inner motivation to influence people and circumstances. You thrive on competitive situations and challenging assignments.
The stresses and pressures of everyday work and life are unlikely to reduce your effectiveness and enthusiasm. 
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Looking at the result makes me think again about my working experiences. And I do find that once I lost the challenge the job gives me, I tend to try finding another challenges out there. Perhaps I'm not suited to work in the office, but up until now I still don't know what kind of work suites me well. Hahaha ^_^"

But I'm willing to try my chance now. Perhaps my traits cannot be changed easily, but at least I'm trying my best to try.

Wish me luck!

Falling in love

How do you know that you’re in love or falling for someone? This question cannot be answered easily as people themselves have different view towards love itself. If you ask one person to another, they’re going to have different answer about love. It’s just because, simply, love itself cannot be described by a matter of words. No matter how many dictionaries, books, novels, or any kind of readings ever existed in the humanity era; no one can ever describe what love is exactly.

In love, there is no guidance at all. You can only sit, think about it too much, or just jump in to the feeling itself, wondering where the journey will end up at. After all, love is all about decision, whether we want to go with it or just ignore it. Some people get lucky with the heart attract each other so strongly that they cannot deny the fact that they’re destined to be. Other won’t be too lucky. Sometimes the journey to find love can last very long, until you die. Sometimes you just don’t want to bother too much about it.

There are case that how simple love can be. You met the person, and you just can’t think of yourself without them. You want to be close with the person immediately, waking up with the person and facing the future together. And you cannot wait to get married with them. Instances like that are common in my family. I don’t know how they can be like that, but the divorce rate is… up until now, 0%. In which this indicates whether they really found the One or they try to adjust with each other nicely, in my opinion.

There are also case how complicated love can be. A childhood friend, a good friend, or a friend’s crush, all of that can drive into an awkward situation sometimes. You’re just too used to that person being near you, that you just took them for granted. And when the time for depart come, you just realized that you cannot really live without them. It feels like someone pull out your limb in a cruel way. Complicated enough? I think it’s sort of, if you can know what I’m thinking right now.

Dear Brain,
                You don’t understand
                Forgive me this time
                                     <3 Heart

 

Looking at those sentences, it seems simple, yet it carries a lot of meaning. Even though they are carried within one body, but they have their own thinking. That’s why people are always confused with what they actually want. Because brain and heart are a totally different organs. And that people always tend to think brain is their center of all things in the body done and all of our action. And that is exactly why falling in love can never be describe. At all.

I guess I'll just conclude this here. My brain can not take it anymore, and my heart is still confused because of this. Hahaha...

2011 – Those time I got stronger

I try to look back to year 2011, recalling all the events that passed through my life with a big disappointment. Why? I can’t really recall all of them, but the emotion is there. And the conclusion of them all is… It’s just another disappointment that eventually makes me stronger, or is it numbness that I feel from all of those what I’ve experienced? I just can’t determine it at all.

Everyone have a past that they need to move one and forget about completely, but not the lesson they got from those experiences. And that’s what I learn. But I think I’ve gone astray with the lesson, just because I got no one beside me for quite some time. Not that I’m blaming them, but just a saying that I still can’t really live by myself without doing stupid things. One and my foremost mistake are to block my feeling. I notice that when I can’t feel a bit sympathize or sad or even genuinely happy of thing happening around me. I just put another mask on me. And I only feel… remorseful?

I found this on my journey through the unseen web aka the internet of one of my friend’s blog (tumblr):

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all; live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."

While I read it, I realized that perhaps this is what’s missing from my life before. What I didn’t realize earlier. So… I decide that one of my resolution for this year is… to learn how to live again.

Wish me luck :)
  

"So people, celebrate your life, even though life is full of twists, turns, highs, lows, ups and downs, it’s still beautiful! Enjoy the ride, set up your beautiful attitude. You’ll be fine, you’ll be safe! And God would be waiting at the end of the track, proud..!!"

Becky Tumewu

Fascination

Starting the first post in this new year with a bit of thinking. Am I think too much? I doesn't matter. So here's the actual post:

There is a word that fascinate me at a while, therefore I tried to find a meaning behind the word itself.

1. The capability of eliciting intense interest or of being very attractive.
2. The state of being intensely interested or attracted: listened in fascination.
3. An intensely interesting, attractive quality or trait.
4. strong attraction; charm; allure

Reading at the definition that I conjure up from several dictionaries, they have one similarity, which is CHARM. And I thought, “Ah… so that’s what it makes it an attractive word to use”. I also think of several things at once, that in this life, we might cross something that fascinate us to the point of nothing else matters. Will there be a hobby, a thing, or even a person.

Since I like to think about a person point of view, I would like to think that every person definitely have something that can fascinate other people. Perhaps it’s their way of thinking, the way they speak, their eyes, lips, the little things they do, even the simple thing that they doesn’t even notice but we know it just by heart. Fascinated, isn’t it? Does that makes you think of someone special to you at the moment? I bet so. After all, people are love-based person. No matter who they are, they must have someone they cherish.

I’m writing this to actually ‘waking up’ my emotion from its slumber, but it doesn’t seem to work at all. Why I’m saying sleeping emotion? Well, I guess it’s just because I’m feeling numb with emotion. It’s feels like I got this big black void in where my emotion should be. What kind of emotion? Does that means that I’m just one lump of dolls that breathe, work and gone through life just as it is? I think so too. I think, I want to feel, but I don’t really feel. Weird as it may sound; it’s real as I gone through it. I easily lose interest of something, and cruising from one point of interest to another.

It’s just as if I want to say, “I miss you so much” but to whom? I don’t even know who I miss being with. It’s not that I got a large number of friends, but it’s just as if each of them carry one piece of things that I miss, and that I long to find someone that carry all of the pieces. I can feel it humming in my body, that each and every cell of it is calling his name that even my brain and tongue hasn’t recognize. A song older than universe is calling out the lover in everyone, to match each other, to create a more beautiful sound. There’s a saying: “Love is out there; it’s just not easy to find. If it was, it wouldn’t be worth it when you finally find it”. So… should I wait a bit more, patiently this time?.