The one who always watching you

Drip… drip…

It’s dripping again. A crimson red against the white.

I look up to the sky and see all blue and white and feel the dizziness that always follows whenever the episode happen. Sighing, I reach out for the tissue in my bag and shove it to my nose. The episode is a frequent thing that happen to me ever since I’m young, but nowadays it came faster and more often now and I don’t even know what to do.

Or to break the news.

It even break my heart to think about telling it to them. I still can picture their smile when I get out of the hospital years ago, how they always excitedly plan each other birthday and never forgetting mine even though I’m only a childhood friend of their member, how they always take care of me whenever I’m sick. And how their eyes always darken with worry every time I get admitted, just like a family would.

I can’t even imagine how they will take it when I tell them.

~~~

 “Hyung… Don’t you think that ___ looks kind of ghastly these days?”

Yoongi gave annoyed look at Tae that suddenly barge into his room. He hasn’t been able to put any beat together for the past hours despite the deadline he already set for himself, so now this distraction is the last thing he need.

“Don’t you know that I…”

“But ___ is here now, Hyung. I thought I just want to let you know that”. After that he left, without closing the door, mocking him to go out from his sanctuary just to take a look at the girl he secretly admire for all these years.

Looking at the instrument and his surrounding, he take a deep sigh, abandoning the current project he was doing and leave them to see ___.

Like always, she is surrounded by the gang. Her existence alone is enough to make the place brighten because what can you expect from all 7 guys to live in the same place except the dirty laundry cluttered everywhere, trash and junk food. She often came just to hang out and bring some homemade food because she knows all too well that they would miss the warmth and taste of family. 

Sometimes she even help to nag the boys to clean up a bit, which they did. Yoongi never see anyone else that could tell the boys what to do without them throwing a lot of fuss. Only her, and he is grateful to the guys for that.

Yoongi stood still while seeing her interact with the other member who are in the dorm at the moment. Jungkook as usual sit at the furthest spot from her because of his shyness even though his eyes are darting some jealousy toward Tae, who is putting his head on her knee and let her pat him while chattering away. 

“Ah… You here at last”

Her smile as usual lifting up his mood and he smiles back. But then he remember what Tae said earlier and take a better look at her in a quick glance while striding towards the fridge to take drink.

“You looks like you lost a few pound. Are you alright?”

His back are facing her so he doesn’t even see the surprised look that passed across her face, but Tae feels the tension on her body and carefully observe her.

“Well… I’m on a diet lately because my clothes are starting to get stuffy, so yea.. do you like it?”

“No. I like it better when you have a few on you” Yoongi said.

“And your thighs were fluffier” said Tae with his rectangle grin.

“… And you look fresher before” admit Jungkook softly, more to himself but actually loud enough to be heard by others, which brings everyone eyes on him because it came so unexpectedly from him.

There are several second silence that follows are suddenly erupted with Tae’s laughter and he jumps on Jungkook to ruffle his hair. “So you do like Noona here but you’re too shy, eh?” which makes the maknae’s ears going red with embarrasement.

Yoongi came to sit by her side and drape his arms around casually. “Yes, I definitely like the way you feel before.” And making me worry about you, is what he didn’t say out loud.

~~

“I heard that ___ came earlier” Namjoon who just gets in the dorm from his latest job asks around.

“You missed her, Hyung. Jin hyung drove her home a few minutes ago. But she brought some food” Tae point to the table where the food are abundant. “Some are her colab with Jin tho, so I don’t dare say anything” he commented after seeing Namjoon’s face who look like could drool anytime soon before back to the game he was playing.

“Where’s Jimin and Hobie?” Ignoring the information Tae gave, Namjoon walk to the table and start eyeing the food.

“Practicing as usual” said passing Jungkook. “And Yoongi hyung is in The Room” which came into other’s understanding that he is doing another project for them.

Meanwhile in The Room, Yoongi is not even touching his instrument and just staring blankly at the paper in front of him. He was trying to pour out his heart once again into the lyrics, hoping that the message would come across to her. But the feeling overwhelm him and he, once again, fallen to the depth of abyss where no word exist to describe what he feels. Yoongi the genius is beaten once again by that woman and he succumb now to the sleep that came to him with feel of her long hair that tangled on his finger and her sweet scent that teasing his sense.

~~

Yoongi felt like his soul is drifting peacefully on a boat that goes to nowhere when a rift suddenly wrecking the serenity of his surroundings.

“Hyung… Wake up… Hyung… It’s ___ Noona” The first thing his blurry eyes see was Jiminie worried look and a flurry of activities outside the room where Tae and Jin running here and there. 

Then the word registered to his brain and he quickly getting up.

“What happen?”

Jimin looks at him sadly, when he suddenly hear Namjoon saying “Where the hell is that sleeping bags?” on the background, and Jungkook is strolling casually with his backpack.

“You don’t remember, do you?”

“Huh? What?”

“Hyung!! Quick!! It’s almost time to go!” Tae shout from the kitchen.

Then it registered in his mind that today is the day ___ asked them to go out on a trip with them, so he jumped out from his chair where he accidentally took nap in and go to the shower before everything else because his bag is always ready.

~~~

Drip… Drip…

It’s dripping again. It’s already the second time this morning.

I dreadfully hope that the episode won’t come when I’m with them. I really want to have fun with them, making them happy like they always do to me, without them worrying about me. Shoving up the tissue up to my nose, I carefully pack my necessities in a bag and hiding my medicine in the secret compartment. I can only pray that nothing will go wrong in this trip. And for sure it will be the most prized memories of mine.

Looking back to my room, I carefully closed the door behind and go to the dorm for the two days one night trip to my family vacation house.

~~

“Waaahhh!!!! It’s the sea!!!!!”

When the car stops, the excited member are pouring out one by one and running towards the beach, leaving only Yoongi and me inside the car while the managers are taking out the baggage.

 “Shall we go then?” Yoongi hop down the car and stretch his hand towards me.

The night came and we build a fire down the beach and playing with fire flower. Namjoon is being his philosophical self, standing out in the dark and gazing at the sky that is full of stars, perhaps thinking about the universe. Tae, Jimin and Hoseok are playing around with Jungkook. Jin is busily doing the barberque and Yoongi is laying down with his phone, working out any melodies he could get.

I was watching the fire on my stick burning slowly, while hoping that the amber won’t drop before the stick finish so I can get to say my hope when I hear Yoongi talk.

“Well.. ___, Thank you.” There are a lot of things that Yoongi want to thank for, but he is indeed the man of few words so he feels that he doesn’t need to explain himself. Especially to her.

“It’s been my pleasure.” She looks at the members that were running on the private beach and back to Yoongi “I hope all of you having fun today. I’ve been wanting to do this ever since…” She drew a sharp breath, realizing what she almost do. She left her word hanging in the air, but Yoongi know why. Because they both know that it was something all of them don’t want to recall. The day when she get her operation, they were doing their promotion tour and they felt really sorry about not being able to be there for her support.

“Hyung, what are you doing? We are going to light up the big one” Jimin called from the end of the beach.

Yoongi got up and pat himself clean and offer his hand to ___. “You coming?”

~~

“I told you, she was acting weird.”

“She looks so gaunt. I think something is weird”

“Did you realize that she barely go anywhere else? After the effort of taking us here, she prefer to take a rest and not going out with us”

“Do you think her illness came back? Is that why she take us here? To make memories?”

The guys are gathering in my room and Jin after ___ ask permission to go to bed early, and talking mostly about how ___ act strange but I try not to get anything into my head. I don’t want my dreadful feeling that I get whenever I take her hand in mine becoming true.

“I saw her tears earlier”

What Tae said snap my head to see him. And it’s not only me. Everyone else paying attention to him too, so he continued, “I wanted to make sure Noona see the big fire flower we set, but then she looks up and a drop of tear get down. It’s not a lot, just that moment and she was quickly wipe it so I am not really sure what it was before”

We all grew silent because of that, and once again I feel that her presence if fading away like the sand in the beach that gets carried away by the wind.

Namjoon is the one that breaks the silence, being the wise leader he is. “If she doesn’t want to tell us now, we just need to make sure she got all the memories she want. I’m sure she is waiting for the right time to tell us whatever in her mind”. He looks at me as if he knows what kind of turmoil happen in my heart right now.

I look at him gratefully and we close the night with such heavy lead in our heart. Thinking of our beloved ___.

~~

The morning after, everyone is busy packing away their stuffs and forgetting the serious conversation last night. It was like some sort of unspoken agreement not to bring it up at all so they act like they usually do, cheery and noisy with a bit of pranks here and there.

“It’s weird, Noona usually already up by now” Jungkook said.

“I went by her room earlier but there is no sound so I thought she was still sleeping” Jimin said.

An alarming look passed cross each of their face and their eyes dart toward the room and I and I can’t ignore the alarm that goes on in my head that becoming louder with each step I take toward her room. I don’t even know how I get there, but when I realize that I’m already in front, my hand is trembling.

As I open the door, the first thing I see is ___ sitting down on the bed, her hand is red. I dart toward her and see that the damned nosebleed came. That damn episode she got years ago. The same episode that sent her to the operating room. And the image of the tubes that come in and out of her body, the way she looked so fragile, those painful cries every time she went through the treatment, all came crashing at once to me, overwhelm me. And then I see her eyes. I remember the hollowness in her eyes years ago before she get the operation schedule. How dark it is. But now, though I see the same abyss I’ve grow sick of, this time there is something else. Something like acceptance, surrender, peacefulness, and I am truly puzzled of how she react this time.

“I’m sorry. I thought I would be fine at least until this trip end. I was planning to tell you that this might be my last time seeing all of you before I go. Then I could go to the treatment again without you guys worrying about me”

“How… how long since this?”

“The operation last time didn’t succeed. My body reject it so yea…”

“All this time?”

“I’ve been going through the new treatment but I think my body build some resistance to it now. So they plan to put me through the new procedural they found, but it is in France. And I thought this would be my chance to make memories with you before I go and you becoming busy again with the album promotion”.

“Will you…”

“I don’t know… but let’s put our hope in this one”

“I hear someone calling my name” Hoseok jumping in and the others follow suit

“Noona, let’s get better and we can go out again after that, shall we?” Taehyung said, slipping himself between ___ and Yoongi, half hugging her. “After you get back, we could go somewhere to eat and maybe catch movies together”

“We should go to a picnic then” Jin added which brings groans from the other, not because his cooking is terrible but more to him being too innovative with food that sometimes they cannot even recognize the taste.

“We would go to a world tour and perhaps then we could even see you there, ___” even Namjoon chime in.

My eyes getting hot and blurry because of the tears that I’m holding, but then with all the love the guys pours for me, I can’t hold it any longer and I cried with relief after all this time being silent about this. I really don’t want to make them sad or wary, so I was planning to leave them at least a good memory if the treatment don’t go well. After all, the treatment in France is something I volunteered to do. It was a new kind of treatment so there are almost no chance it will be successful, but I do hope everything will be alright

~~

It’s been 42 days since I was admitted here. I am glad that I am here, because I don’t want the guys, especially him, to see me at this state. I look at my bony hand which came with blue and purple color from the needle that countlessly pierce through my skin. I am running through several test a day, and it exhaust me of not physically then mentally.

“And now we will hear the new song from Bangtan Sonyeondan, ‘Haruman’” The radio inside my room playing the newest song by the group and I know by now they must be busy promoting it.

I like that, your long, straight hair
Your breathtaking neck when you put it up and the strands that fall out

My eyes start to water. No longer I have the long hair that he likes, let alone any hair.

Your voice when you say my name

My voice even cracks now because of the medication.

Let’s meet when the lilies bloom and say goodbye when they wither
I didn’t think I’d get over you easily but
Is it selfish of me to hope you are the same?

By now my face is drenched by tears as I listen to the lyric that is come from the guys’ heart.

I’ll confess to you, with the moon as our light

All of these things tell me

“If I have just one day, it’s possible”

Can you please stay with me?

~~

The dead silence drop like a bomb in the dorm. A silence that is very rare to be, because even while sleeping there bound to be sound. Everybody is in a gloomy mood, but one particular person is in despair. All because of a box that came earlier with a letter and a box of white powder. A box with the stamp of France.

Dear Yoongi,

If you manage to read this letter, it means that I am no longer fighting this illness, and that I can no longer see you in this world. But I will definitely watching over you from the other world.

Be sad not because in the end I am free at last

Regret not because all this time I get to know the wonderful side of you

And I want you to remember only the happy memories we all have

I know how much you love me, and I also know how hard it is for you to even say it, but I know. I just don’t want to make anything happen because I don’t want to tie you with my unforeseen future.

I already told the people in the facility to burn me and scatter my ashes there, but also to send some to you so you can properly say goodbye to me while you let my soul rest in peace with the wind.

Please forgive me and I pray for your happiness

The one who always watching you,

___

PS: I heard the “Haruman” song… and I can say that it’s the greatest love song someone ever wrote and I bet your success.

PPS: Tell the guys I love them too




~~~
To be truth, I tried to posted it using submission in one of fan based blog (tumblr) but I havent heard from her and Im just too lazy to try find someone who can read this and give me input so yea.. Here I am, posting it on my own blog (coz I need to wait for sev days to join AO3, and I totally forgot my username (or if I do remember, then my password) for LJ, AFF, etc. Me and my forgetfullness
Do expect something more from me from this blog. I don't want my baby to be buried like that, no matter how messed up my grammar is.