After our big argument today, I felt very not bad, but the
need to release all the pent-up emotions that has built up for years with no
outlet to release it.
I was thinking, ‘What will happen if this is my last day on
Earth? Will this be buried with me? Or should I tell though it will cause
another heartbreak?’ So, this is my so-called memoir, my own shred of sanity that
still live within and my lack of wisdom on the age of 33 and half.
I am depressed.
Everybody knows that, but no one can help me because the
source itself is very close to myself.
I know that my own mental stability is on the borderline of
crumbling and thus why I, most of the time, act unreservedly.
I must admit this.
I hate you.
I hate my own mom.
She lied to me and cheated me of my own identity for 2/3 of
my life by now.
When dad passed away, I tried my best to be strong because
dad told me to take care of her.
I didn’t understand at that moment, but I learned that she
is weak after a long time. And she is in the process of getting weaker by day.
I fully know that I, as the young and able one, should be the
one holding filial piety because that’s what the world wants me to. And I fully
understand that it is just right to act like that. By choice, not because you
have no other way.
I envy other people that I know, they don’t really have to
think about their life so much, and they can enjoy their life struggle because
that’s what they choose to. Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s the consequences
they need to bear.
But…
I don’t really have such privilege.
Fuck with the doctrines of: “there’s someone else in the
world that does not have such life as you”. I don’t know them; I only know the
story. And I ain’t sympathizing them. Heartless? Perhaps. But I will reflect
more to the type of people my parents introduce me with. Which are, the middle
level and the rich. So, I can’t understand the struggle of lower people.
I was in the pedestal since young. We might have been poor
before, but all I remember is that, no matter what, my parents are the one who
provides everything so that I don’t feel lacking compared to the other kids on
my age.
So yeah… When we were chased around by the debt collector, I
was devastated. Why? Why my parents allowed this to happen? Why they didn’t tell
me beforehand about this, so I can sail through it smoothly?
I experience the first turbulence of life in my middle
school when dad was sick and need to be operate. I feel afraid. At first, I don’t
know why. But now I understand. I was afraid because I am facing the unknown. I
don’t know how I should react on the misfortune that befall me. Because no one
I know is facing the same problem as me. Therefore, I am confused as how I
should react. Do I need to keep smiling? Do I cry and let the whole world know
what happen? But then, I remember that “I am alone in this. I have no one to
rely on. So, I have to be strong.” Those are what my parents emphasize and instil
in me since young.
Yes, I grew up with almost no cousins around. People of my
age to play with are those from school because I keep on changing places to
live, so even before I can establish a stable friendship, I need to nip it in
the bud. And my parents are so busy working, they leave me behind for work from
morning, and lots of the time until morning. I rarely see my parents except on
weekend during my childhood.
I can’t even remember when it changed, my memories are erasing
themselves slowly but sure. There were some changes in my life, and my parent,
especially mom started to be home more often than before. I was glad. Yes, I
admit that I am feeling lonely, but I need to understand that they are doing
the work and all for my sake. So, I need to understand and not being clingy to
them.
With time changing, I grew not to be dependent on my parents
anymore. I won’t care if they come home late or does not come home at all.
Silence was and still is my great companion.
I remember one episode in my life when I was stealing books
in one of my frequent hangout places. I was curious as to what will my parents
do if they knew about it. I can’t let go of the thrill. Will they be furious?
Will they beat me up to a bloody pulp? Will they let me go to jail or youth
detention center? I can still remember the thrill up until now, but funnily, I can’t
remember their reactions. Perhaps it was not worth to be saved to my memory? I
don’t know.
I hang out with the good people in the school because that was
the “right thing to do”. But I’m also curious of doing the bad thing, but I don’t
dare to do it because “it will break my hardworking parents’ heart”. So, I just
hover around with the mildly bad ones. Still, my curiosity is there. But since
I’m still living with my parents’ money, I should not do it.
I chose my university major to help my dad’s business because
it was expected of me. I studied hard because I know he was trying hard to
leave me with a legacy, so I won’t be struggling in life. Which major you think
I want to take if not that? I myself don’t know. Perhaps I will also choose the
same thing, just because I don’t want to be left behind by my peers. I can’t
even remember my own passion from 15-20 years ago. I love to read, but that’s
the extent of it. I tried to write but I am lacking life experience and can
only imagine things.
I tried to recall my passion, but I cannot even find it.
Perhaps the me right now is the epitome of dryness in life. My spirit cracked,
my heart crumbled, my soul is there just for being.
It’s been a long while since I wrote about my feeling, too
long since I throw out the darkness inside myself. Too long since I am truly
can be in the middle of the busy street but feeling alone. Too long since I am
having another drawback. So, I guess this is one of my prolonged ‘episodes’.
Back to the university period. I tried my best to study
hard, ignoring the call for dating and all where my other friends already
having their 2nd spring or maybe more. But yet, in the end, I dated
someone.
Do I love him that I broke my own resolve not to date while
at the university? At that time no. I dated him because I need someone to be
called a ‘boyfriend’ in order to block the other’s advantage. And B was the
perfect choice. He is not handsome as people might think, so it kinda shocking
to people perhaps. But he is kind. And he respects my decision. And he is really
trying hard to understand me. Therefore, by time, I loved him even though I know
I should not. And that also lead to our breakup. I don’t regret it at all.
Because it is one sweet of memory in life that I really appreciate until now.
But the real reason why I let him go perhaps, I was broken.
My dad passed away after fighting with cancer for years. The
last year of his life was spend at home, on the bed, in our ‘runaway’ home. With
mom being the nurse. What am I doing? Struggling with the university. That’s my
whole world at that time. Yes. It is a small world, but I am never the type
that dreams big. I don’t even think that I dream at all. By that time, I was
struggling because I knew that the legacy that was supposedly prepared and given
to me was gone. I need to prepare myself to face the world after graduation.
I realized that I was broken back in high school.
I felt the crack in me. But I don’t know what that was. I am
not prepared.
And because of that, the crack created a gorge. With no
bottom can be seen. I guess, if I take a leap on that gorge now, I will die.
For sure it ain’t heaven, but I am more willing to embrace the hell than this
life.
When dad passed, I can’t even remember how we live. I
remember we are once again changing home, out of Jakarta, which is until now is
still ours. It is hours away from the heart of the city back then and still is.
Yet it was the only solution we had at that moment.
One big event that put me into despair was, mom suddenly
throw out some shitty truth about my life. That it was partially a lie.
My known dad is not my dad. And that she was wanting to go
die with him. I felt unloved. And unwanted.
My own biological dad throws me away from his life. And even
my mom, after my whole life known dad is gone, wanted to go with him. Then why am
I even alive for?
Then came another problem. We have no money left. And I
still have … 1-2 years in the university. I was all prepared to drop out due to
the sky-high fee and coming to the workforce earlier than my other peers. As well
as prepared not to contact any other people I’ve known in my life because
it was I felt the shame of, dropping off the prestigious place and hitting rock
bottom. But I don’t know how it came to, but mom borrowed some money from her
friends to let me continue with the school.
Then I came to know my biological dad family, which are a
well-off one and thought, why don’t she take their money? After all, I shared
some of their genes. I started to blame the stupidity of my mom for that. Why
are we forced to live in poverty, whereas my dad family is living happily? Why can’t
we enjoy the same privilege? I have no answer to that, and I don’t care to know
of it anymore
And came to another problem. Mom whined because she does not know
what to work and earn money. She started to list out her problem of: “I’m
already too old to enter the workforce and restarted. I have no sufficient
experience, etc, etc.” And I came to start hating her more and buried it deep
in my heart.
I wrote this not to justify myself. Not to have people judge
me because of how unfilial I am. Or having spectators of how a failure I am as
a person. Or having anyone told me what to do.
I wrote this to try let go of my grief. Trying to free
me from the shackle of the morality of the world. And perhaps, embracing the
wickedness of me. And by then, I might no longer feel the need to cry.
I joined the workforce right after I soft graduated. My degree
has not even put the ink into the certificates, and I am already working. Perhaps
someone else would say, ‘I also work since young’ but I don’t care. This might look
like a self-pitying moment, yet people are born on a different level of
intricacies.
By then, I need to pay for the house bill, as well as my own
transport. I tried my best to save for unknown circumstances and yes, that
happens. All the time.
I changed companies, trying my best to lay low in order not
to get fired because I need the paycheck to ensure our livelihood. And yet the
unknown still happen.
I remember back in 2007, my salary was a measly 3.5 mio (approx.
USD 240) and I have to make sure that everything was paid when it’s due. I
remember in order to save more, I forced myself to do bike-to-work, in the pretense
of ‘exercising’ to make sure that I still have spare change to go and meet my
friends. I remember I only took around 600k (approx. USD 40) each month to pass
by where the rest of it was given for the home bills. And those numbers, I made
sure that I saved around 100k (approx. USD 10) each month.
The days of limiting myself to everything changed when I joined
one company in 2014. It was a lifeline for the exhausted me. I was overly
depressed from being in and out of work due to various reasons, as well as broke
with debts that I tried not to tell anyone. I was in the red and this company
came along. A soft cushion that gave a bit of color to my dull life. Until I
learned that there was an old dispute between this company and the family that
threw me away. Then all hell breaks loose again.
Yes, I know it won’t justify anything I’ve done or said. Or
even I myself don’t know what I want up today. Because my aim since ‘that’ day
was just ensuring my dad word to me. To take care of mom. I’ve been living,
just to make sure that she does not need to work. To make sure she is all well
and healthy. And that she got enough money to do whatever she wanted. Because I
am an unwanted person. Therefore, there is no need for me to dream. There is no reason
at all for me to think about living. It’s all façade. I’m living my life
because I must ensure someone’s beloved as well. That’s all.
This is my heart poison.
And my heart and soul already dyed black all these years.
I am beyond salvation.
Filial piety is the word that people keep on associating
with how children need to show to parents. For me, it is the law.
I need to work hard, save up to make sure that she can live
and do everything my dad used to do for her. At any cost. But also I need to
make sure that I don’t bring shame to her. Because I was born a girl. Fuck
that.
I can get easy money by selling my body years ago, but I
know it will give her shame even though it will make it easier for me to reach
my goal. A lot of people do that, but I should not.
I wanted to go out of the country to test my luck, but I
need to make sure her livelihood as well. Therefore I don’t go. Because I am bloody
worthless for not being able to provide the life, my dad, been providing before
to her.
I wanted to kill myself, but then I thought the life insurance
does not give the benefit if the death is by suicide. Therefore I still keep on
living.
But I also made sure that I keep my relationship clear. I
don’t want to drag anyone into my messed up life caused by myself. This is
exactly why I decided to not getting married, not because I don’t have anyone
pursuing me or what… But because I don’t want me to become a burden to other
people. I’ve become a useless baggage in my parent’s life all these times, I
cannot do what people expect a wife should do (I’m a fucktard in the household
things), I am poor that I cannot contribute to my partner life, and I do not
have any will to live myself. Those are several reasons why I don’t want to
have a family. Or being involved with other people. So I can disappear quietly
when the time came. And no one will miss me.
Because my disappearing is good riddance of the trash of
the world.
And I am tired of living a trash life.
~~
Moi,
16 May 2019
