Forbidden You

Alone I am
Forgotten pain
Lingering sensations
As I remember

Erratic thoughts
Wondering why
Imagining if
As I dream

Could this be it?
Could you be the one?
Why even as I ponder
The doubts still lurking

One touch will never be enough
Let alone the next and another
For I am greedy
Hungry for more

Or are you an addiction?
A forbidden fruit
So enchanting
It drew me in

I dare myself
To reach out for you
A thing I never did
Let my curiosity kills

Will I be dead?
Will I be alive?
Heart pounding hard
I took a taste

What could be the consequences
Of the defiance I've done
Remember, I will always be
Of the sweetness of you

Am I dead
Am I alive
The allure of you
Still draws me in

The deed is done
Now is just the waiting
Will this be just a dream-like reality
Or a reality-like dream

June 2013 Recap

Alright, I am curious about what might make my body system down this month and eventually… The full outdoor schedule is what makes it.

2^nd June 2013: 11thlon with Aquarius Coca Cola

The running event makes me exhausted, prior to the day before’s activity that kinda drain me with the heat. And yes, down with cold for a week since I HATE medication of any sort.

11^th June 2013 : Testing the job

This is a long story so I’d rather skip it. After being sick, I gotta do this job and I’m telling you, it was totally not easy coz I have to be ready since early in the morning and finished kinda late.

16^th June 2013 :  Final Meeting

…. Or should I say a chance to meet people I rarely meet this year for once? And yes, the place is hot, and etc etc.

17^th – 21^st June 2013 : Singapore Trip

Yes, you hear me right. I’m off to Singapore. And the whole album of that trip is in my FB page. Too lazy to do a trip review now. Perhaps some other time when I’m high enough to do it.

22^nd June 2013 :  5^th Anniversary of a canteen I know of

And no need to guess, the event and the heat was totally hit the tolerance level. I heard that the temperature that day reached 39 C. No wonder! Add it with the fatigue, it’s a wonder I’m not down yet after that.

26^th June 2013 : Meet with long-time-no-see friend

Yes, I’m totally a social person. And when I meet with friends, it’s a guarantee that I won’t be home early. But that’s okay since I was staying and resting up for the past few days. Or so I thought.

30^th June 2013 : Charity Event

Should I say that? I guess not. Again, the heat and the activities I have to do on that particular day was… excessive. Add it with several of my good friends there is carrying some bad virus and my mom was having a coughing fit for several days… And I’m totally having a fever now. Hope I won't get down for the second time this year.

Ciao

Dissecting myself in early June 2013

June…

What should I write about for this month? I have no idea at all. Just trying to fulfill my promise to myself to write at least twice a month. Well, I’ll just divide things in section then.

Work

None whatsoever. It’s been 3 months since I last walked out from my last office. Plenty of rest, but then when I try my best to cheer myself up to find a job again, somehow I feel reluctant. Darn it, I guess I had my fill with the office work. But what should I do then? I got no specialty that I can boast about, except my outgoing nature (that is useless since I cannot sell anything either). Oh well, I guess I got another month to ponder upon what to do. Dang!

Relationship

None. People keep saying that you are incomplete without someone by your side as your spouse. Well, I don’t need any, but someone who can eventually give me a black Amex card for me to spend, and do travelling whenever I want.

Money

Well, with no job whatsoever, it is expected to have my balance in the red zone by now. Worry? Yes. On fire? Not at all. I guess I’m in the state of drifting? Knowing not of what might lie ahead of me.

Love

Void. I don’t even want to care about that word as I type it. Wonder why people keep on going with that one particular topic. I guess there’s something wrong with me after all.

Well, since this month is only begins, I guess there’s something bound to happen that can change either one or all of those aspects.

Keep my fingers cross

Ending of Life (May 2013)

As I try to close this month with something I’ve experience as usual, I am faced by the constant reminder of how life and death embracing each other tightly. How each breath we let out might be our last, and how the simple intake of our breath may speak of a numerous miracle it contain.

I must admit how I hate going to the funeral home, not because of my father but ever since I can remember I never like that place anyway. Too much sadness, grievance and despair permeating in the air, I would say that negativity tainted the surrounding and affecting everyone regardless of a close family or even a stranger.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can go to those places but I will feel like I’m having a terminal illness and be sick afterward. This month I even exceeded my limit of the visit to funeral houses and worse of all, cemetery.  Four times of it add it with a funeral and I’m pretty sure I will stay in bed for the next few days. Who you say? It’s complicated to answer. Let’s say one is an uncle and another is a granny. Both unrelated but I still get obligated to go. Why? That will be another story untold. Wait until you know me better to know the story of my full-o-dirty secret life.

That’s actually not what I want to write anyway but I would say that I got out of topic again like usually is. As I went to the funeral houses, there must be someone who will willingly volunteer (not that I like to use that word but it seems like it anyway) to join the dead. The phrases “Let me go with him/her” or “I don’t want to life anymore because there’s no him/her” is commonly used and heard. Not that I care if they die anyway, but they hurt the people around them that still living and love them.

I feel like they don’t give any regard of their parent, spouse, and children at all by doing that. Yes, I’ve heard the same thing too, years ago. Not only once, but twice. Who? Of course it’s my mom. Why? Well… Let’s say I lose two of my dad in a very close time. Sucks, isn’t it? Yeah well… That made me think that I’m not loved enough and really easy to abandon. Sad, isn’t it? So I wish none of you will even do that to your beloved ones. Please do consider it.

Love,

Shin

I’d like to make a revelation after all. I’m counting my days now since I’m diagnosed with some stupid incurable illness so I don’t even think of having a family of my own. I even try my best to deteriorate my own condition so it will get worse. My mom is also diagnosed with the same thing so yeah, we most probably die soon. I hope for those of you who actually read this part, won’t be sad. Angry perhaps because I choose to give up on life, but it’ll be my consequences to take. I’m broken enough to love and give love and I don’t think I can ever be whole again. It will be something I regret, but I will try my best to live life in my days now.

Early ramble for this month

Today I started my day feeling a bit pissed off. Fell asleep at around 2 am and work up around 4 am, which is just a very rare thing indeed for me. I tried to put myself back to sleep but I know I ain’t sleeping at all, until the time for my mum to go out around 6. Grouchy, not feeling well since the day before, I decided to start my day earlier anyway. Got lots of things to do, and I’m just afraid that the entire plan would be ruined or at least not going so well if I don’t do my part right somehow.

So I just set off around 8am, and in the middle of my outing, my friend contacted me with her usual complain about bus service in our beloved city and so on and so on. I actually told her that I am not feeling that well and such, but it seems she just don’t understand or ignoring me. Which makes me kinda snapped in the end. Told her that I have friends, but somehow I feel like I actually don’t. And she just asked me why…

And I don’t want to answer such. I kinda despise the way she just ignore people, and focusing on herself. Which make me think, what is my value in other people’s eyes anyway? Am I just their emotional trash can whatsoever? Or are they actually think of me as one of their equal? People always say that I’m a mature person and so on, but I do have my time when I just want some attention too. 

It somehow makes me wonder if there is anyone out there that can actually takes me for my grouchiness. A person that can understand and care about my special need. Perhaps we will still fight each other, insecure about each other, but then we can be open with each other about our deepest, darkest self without being afraid of the other rejection.

I understand that a friend’s capacity is only to some extent, but somehow I also wish that they can pass that limitation too (which is kinda impossible I guess). Should I retract myself back again to my solitary castle like years before? But I’m afraid of my other self that might come out to accompany the ‘me’. Those dark moment I already passed and utilize to my own benefit of knowing others negative feelings. No… I don’t understand the cheeriness others may possess and sometimes I envy them for feeling that way too. But I do understand their negativities well because I’ve been living my early adult life in it and believe me that I get enough share of it to know how to life a living hell.

Enough of negativity today. I need to rest up and hope that tomorrow the feeling will dissipate somehow, though I doubt so. But I do hope this will pass soon. As always.

Ciao for now.

DISC Test (2013)

http://www.123test.com/id=fa8b8ad0e257f1c02013

Oh well.. This didn't change too much, but good enough.

Introduction

Your specific distribution of scores on the DISC personality test is an indication of your unique personality. You can think of this as your DISC Personality 'DNA'. In the pie chart below you see your distribution of scores.

The highest percentage is likely to be your most dominant personality factor, the second highest your next most dominant personality factor and so on. As such for you the DISC factors are ordered as: Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Compliance.

DISC Personality Model

To help you understand the DISC model of personality here are definitions of the four factors measured.

Dominance	Describes the way you deal with problems, assert yourself and control situations.
Influence	Describes the way you deal with people, the way you communicate and relate to others.
Steadiness	Describes your temperament - patience, persistence, and thoughtfulness
Compliance	Describes how you approach and organize your activity, procedures and responsibilities.

Your DISC personality type

Your unique sequence of scores characterizes you in a specific way. The positive impact you are likely to make on people is:

You have a strong inner motivation to influence people and circumstances. You thrive on competitive situations and challenging assignments.
The stresses and pressures of everyday work and life are unlikely to reduce your effectiveness and enthusiasm.

DISC Patterns or Profiles

As you will appreciate, there are literally thousands of different combinations of scores. Therefore to help interpretation, communication and understanding, DISC Personality Model experts have defined - through statistical analysis of the score combinations - fifteen DISC 'Patterns' or 'Profiles'.

The 'Profiles' are often given names. The objective of these names is to give a single descriptive term that captures the essence of that Profile. Names often used are Achiever, Coach, Evaluator, Counselor, Creative, Individualist, Inspirational, Investigator, Objective Thinker, Perfectionist, Persuader, Practitioner, Enthusiast, Results-Oriented or Specialist

To understand the DISC theory even further descriptions are given for people who score comparatively high and comparatively low on each of the four DISC dimensions.

Dominance

Comparatively High

Here are some traits and behaviours that describe people who are comparatively high in Dominance:

• enjoy competition and challenge.
• are goal orientated and want to be recognised for their efforts.
• aim high, want authority and are generally resourceful and adaptable.
• are usually self-sufficient and individualistic.
• may lose interest in projects once the challenge has gone and they tend to be impatient and dissatisfied with minor detail.

They are usually direct and positive with people, enjoying being the centre of attraction and may take it for granted that people will think highly of them.
They may have a tendency to be rather critical of others. Consequently, other people may tend to see them as being rather domineering and overpowering.

Comparatively Low

Here are some traits and behaviours that describe people who are comparatively low in Dominance:

• tend to want peace and harmony.
• prefer to let others initiate action and resolve problems.
• are quiet and indirect in their approach to most situations.
• are usually cautious and calculate risks carefully before acting.

They are generally well liked because of their mild and gentle nature. Other people will tend to see them as being patient, calm, thoughtful and a good listener.

Influence

Comparatively High

Here are some traits and behaviours that describe people who are comparatively high in Influence:

• are strongly interested in meeting and being with people.
• are generally optimistic, outgoing, and socially skilled.
• are quick at establishing relationships.

Sometimes their concern for people and people's feelings may make them reluctant to disturb a favourable situation or relationship.

Comparatively Low

Here are some traits and behaviours that describe people who are comparatively low in Influence:

• are usually socially passive.
• quite frequently have an affinity for things, machinery and equipment.
• are generally comfortable working alone.
• frequently have a tendency to be analytical and once they have sorted the facts out they communicate them in a straightforward direct way.
• tend to take little at face value.

They may well have learned and developed good social skills but they only bring these into play when logic dictates such tactics.

Steadiness

Comparatively High

Here are some traits and behaviours that describe people who are comparatively high in Steadiness:

• are usually patient, calm and controlled.
• have a high willingness to help others particularly those they consider as friends.

Generally they have the ability to deal with the task in hand and to do routine work with patience and care.

Comparatively Low

Here are some traits and behaviours that describe people who are comparatively low in Steadiness:

• tend to enjoy change and variety in their work and non-work life.
• are expansive by nature and tend not to like routine and repetitive work/activities.

They enjoy stretching themselves intellectually and physically.

Compliance

Comparatively High

Here are some traits and behaviours that describe people who are comparatively high in Compliance:

• are usually peaceful and adaptable.
• tend not to be aggressive.
• tend to be cautious rather than impulsive.
• avoid risk-taking.
• act in a tactful, diplomatic way and strive for a stable, ordered life.
• are comfortable following procedures in both their personal and business life.

They prefer sticking to methods that have proved successful in the past. They have a high acceptance of rules and regulations.

Comparatively Low

Here are some traits and behaviours that describe people who are comparatively low in Compliance:

• are independent and uninhibited.
• resent rules and restrictions.
• prefer to be measured by results and are always willing to try the untried.

Free in thought, word and deed, they long for freedom and go to great lengths to achieve it.
They feel that repetitive detail and routine work is best "delegated" or avoided.

Career test result (2013)

http://www.123test.com/id=e101387d1f5101f09

While I'm at it, I tried this new test and find it funny...

In this test you had to choose between pictures showing specific work activities. Each picture depicted work associated with a specific type of personality. These types are derived from Dr. John Holland's theory of careers and vocational choice, known as Holland Codes.

There are six personality types in Holland's model:

• Realistic: practical, physical, concrete, hands-on, machine, and tool-oriented
• Investigative: analytical, intellectual, scientific, explorative, thinker
• Artistic: creative, original, independent, chaotic, inventive, media, graphics, and text
• Social: cooperative, supporting, helping, healing/nurturing, teaching
• Enterprising: competitive environments, leadership, persuading, status
• Conventional: detail-oriented, organizing, clerical

Personality types and Holland Codes

Dr. Holland did not say that a person is just one of these types. Then there would be only six types of people in the world. Instead, any one person can have interests associated with all of the six types. When you rank the types, starting with those you have the most interest in to those you have the least interest in, you get your specific Holland Code.

There are some 720 different combinations possible, like ISERAC, AIRSEC, or CSERIA. Generally, however, only two or three letters are necessary to create a useful description, such as SC, IRC, or AIC. Such a description may apply to both a person and a work environment. By typifying both people and work environments with Holland Codes, we can calculate matches between them. This helps you assess a potential career or vocational choice.

Your personality type

You preferred 'Artistic' the most, followed by 'Enterprising' and 'Conventional'. Your six letter personality type is 'AECISR'. Your personal preference is also shown in a graph below.

Your personal Holland Code

Depending on how strongly you favor any specific type you can compose your own personal Holland Code. You do this by taking the first letters of the types you favor most. In your case, this is the letters A, E and C Your personal Holland Code then becomes either AEC, AE, EA or even EAC.

Your jobs

Here is a list of jobs that fit your Holland code AECISR. The list is only part of all jobs that fit your personality. You should use this list of occupations as prototypical examples. A total of 20 occupations are suggested based on your score.

Your list of suggested occupations
	Editors Plan, coordinate, or edit content of material for publication. May review proposals and drafts for possible publication. Includes technical editors.
	Reporters and Correspondents Collect and analyze facts about newsworthy events by interview, investigation, or observation. Report and write stories for newspaper, news magazine, radio, or television.
	Art Directors Formulate design concepts and presentation approaches for visual communications media, such as print, broadcasting, and advertising. Direct workers engaged in art work or layout design.
	Copy Writers Write advertising copy for use by publication or broadcast media to promote sale of goods and services.
	Technical Writers Write technical materials, such as equipment manuals, appendices, or operating and maintenance instructions. May assist in layout work.
	Set and Exhibit Designers Design special exhibits and movie, television, and theater sets. May study scripts, confer with directors, and conduct research to determine appropriate architectural styles.
	Commercial and Industrial Designers Develop and design manufactured products, such as cars, home appliances, and children's toys. Combine artistic talent with research on product use, marketing, and materials to create the most functional and appealing product design.
	Advertising and Promotions Managers Plan, direct, or coordinate advertising policies and programs or produce collateral materials, such as posters, contests, coupons, or give-aways, to create extra interest in the purchase of a product or service for a department, an entire organization, or on an account basis.
	Broadcast News Analysts Analyze, interpret, and broadcast news received from various sources.
	Graphic Designers Design or create graphics to meet specific commercial or promotional needs, such as packaging, displays, or logos. May use a variety of mediums to achieve artistic or decorative effects.
	Music Directors Direct and conduct instrumental or vocal performances by musical groups, such as orchestras or choirs.
	Interior Designers Plan, design, and furnish interiors of residential, commercial, or industrial buildings. Formulate design which is practical, aesthetic, and conducive to intended purposes, such as raising productivity, selling merchandise, or improving life style. May specialize in a particular field, style, or phase of interior design.
	Poets, Lyricists and Creative Writers Create original written works, such as scripts, essays, prose, poetry or song lyrics, for publication or performance.
	Public Relations and Fundraising Managers Plan, direct, or coordinate activities designed to create or maintain a favorable public image or raise issue awareness for their organization or client; or if engaged in fundraising, plan, direct, or coordinate activities to solicit and maintain funds for special projects or nonprofit organizations.
	Talent Directors Audition and interview performers to select most appropriate talent for parts in stage, television, radio, or motion picture productions.
	Interpreters and Translators Interpret oral or sign language, or translate written text from one language into another.
	Producers Plan and coordinate various aspects of radio, television, stage, or motion picture production, such as selecting script, coordinating writing, directing and editing, and arranging financing.
	Public Relations Specialists Engage in promoting or creating an intended public image for individuals, groups, or organizations. May write or select material for release to various communications media.
	Proofreaders and Copy Markers Read transcript or proof type setup to detect and mark for correction any grammatical, typographical, or compositional errors. Includes proofreaders of Braille.
	Choreographers Create new dance routines. Rehearse performance of routines. May direct and stage presentations.

Work Value Test (2013)

http://www.123test.com/id=dc875fb5f0dd01e2c

Looking back, I always do these things whenever I'm unemployed. And every single year. Lol

So, here's the result, which is different than last year's one.

Security/Stability

For these people, long-term security is important. A job is seen mainly as a means to secure a pension and a mortgage. The level of income is seen as less important than the security of an income and being able to hold on to a job. These people often look at how stable a company is when choosing a job. Reducing financial insecurity is important to people who find this career value important.

Power

These people like to be the ones pulling the strings. Power and influence are important aspects in their careers. They are driven by the desire to control or influence others, the environment, or the situation. In their career choices, the question of whether or not a job will give them more influence is the most important. They enjoy networking and to them, befriending or contacting someone new is often a way of gaining more influence.

Service/Dedication to a Cause

This person's most important value is the desire to contribute to the greater good. Based on personal values and norms, this person wants to "improve the world" or contribute to society in a meaningful way. This person will often set aside his/her own interests. Service-oriented people are driven by how they can help others.

Wealth

Wealth is related to the importance an individual attaches to material gain. Making money is often the most important reason for working. A high income and earning ever more money is an important career value and it determines a person's career choices. For such a person, a high or higher income is an important measure of success.

Autonomy/Independence

Autonomy can be an important value. People who find this value important have a need for independence and want to be able to make their own decisions. It should not come as a surprise that these people often are, or want to be their own boss. Their career choices are determined by the degree to which they can work autonomously and according to their own rules.

Status

Impressing others and prestige are primary motivators. This person likes being a member of a privileged group. Formal recognition of accomplishments is appreciated. They like to be looked up to. Status symbols, such as titles and official recognitions, are openly displayed. Making money or gaining power are not goals in and of themselves, but are more often just a way to obtain status.

Technical/Functional Competence

These individuals like being good at something. They are usually inquisitive and want to be perceived as the expert, the company's specialist. Specialists prefer to work on their own. Using their skills to meet a challenge is important to them.

Entrepreneurial Creativity

This person's main goal is to come up with new ideas or products. The important aspect of this value is being innovative. A procedural work environment that leaves little room for personal initiatives will be experienced as very restrictive. Creative people often prefer to work alone or in small teams.

Social Relationships

Social relationships are very important to people who find this career value important. Sociability and friendship are important reasons to have a job. There is no sharp boundary between work and private life. These people's career choices are driven by whether they will have or meet enough colleagues. How much they like their job, depends on the degree to which they can work with others and meet people.