Ending of Life (May 2013)

As I try to close this month with something I’ve experience as usual, I am faced by the constant reminder of how life and death embracing each other tightly. How each breath we let out might be our last, and how the simple intake of our breath may speak of a numerous miracle it contain.

I must admit how I hate going to the funeral home, not because of my father but ever since I can remember I never like that place anyway. Too much sadness, grievance and despair permeating in the air, I would say that negativity tainted the surrounding and affecting everyone regardless of a close family or even a stranger.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can go to those places but I will feel like I’m having a terminal illness and be sick afterward. This month I even exceeded my limit of the visit to funeral houses and worse of all, cemetery.  Four times of it add it with a funeral and I’m pretty sure I will stay in bed for the next few days. Who you say? It’s complicated to answer. Let’s say one is an uncle and another is a granny. Both unrelated but I still get obligated to go. Why? That will be another story untold. Wait until you know me better to know the story of my full-o-dirty secret life.

That’s actually not what I want to write anyway but I would say that I got out of topic again like usually is. As I went to the funeral houses, there must be someone who will willingly volunteer (not that I like to use that word but it seems like it anyway) to join the dead. The phrases “Let me go with him/her” or “I don’t want to life anymore because there’s no him/her” is commonly used and heard. Not that I care if they die anyway, but they hurt the people around them that still living and love them.

I feel like they don’t give any regard of their parent, spouse, and children at all by doing that. Yes, I’ve heard the same thing too, years ago. Not only once, but twice. Who? Of course it’s my mom. Why? Well… Let’s say I lose two of my dad in a very close time. Sucks, isn’t it? Yeah well… That made me think that I’m not loved enough and really easy to abandon. Sad, isn’t it? So I wish none of you will even do that to your beloved ones. Please do consider it.

Love,

Shin

I’d like to make a revelation after all. I’m counting my days now since I’m diagnosed with some stupid incurable illness so I don’t even think of having a family of my own. I even try my best to deteriorate my own condition so it will get worse. My mom is also diagnosed with the same thing so yeah, we most probably die soon. I hope for those of you who actually read this part, won’t be sad. Angry perhaps because I choose to give up on life, but it’ll be my consequences to take. I’m broken enough to love and give love and I don’t think I can ever be whole again. It will be something I regret, but I will try my best to live life in my days now.