Void

Have you ever encountered a day where your mind, heart and everything else is void? If it is, then it must be you already feel bored with what you have in life.

I find that my life came to an uninteresting turn lately. No job, no money, no boyfriend, no an interesting meet with people, well, to sum it all, nothing at all. And I'm tired but I can't do anything about that too. All I can do is just take a step of finding a job, and meet new people and hope for the ball to roll in the right direction.

Job and money can come to me eventually if I go to work. People too, as I find that people can connect with me easily. Does that mean I'm a desirable person? I am not actually that, mind you. I'm a totally selfish, egoistic and straight-to-the-point kind of person to the extent of it might hurt someone's heart hearing me say something I don't like. But people tend to link me as the easy-going type, friendly and lovely kind of person, which is really perfect for an HR department.

Boyfriend. I'm not particularly thinking about it, but it actually would be nice to have someone to share a bit of yourself too, with the promise of future together. And as for that, I think I would find it very difficult to find MY kind of man.Yessss.. It is indeed a big MY in this context since I can't stand people with a single weakness or someone I can't put respect on. I know it's bad enough, but I'm not being picky. It's truly not nice to see a man being bested my his woman. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't wanna see a man being bested by me. I'm dong everything perfectly to my own standard, so I hope MY MAN can do it better than me. It's gonna be hard on all of you guys, but sorry. I'm not accepting a weak man.

Anyway, why I'm even rambling about all of this right now? I also don't know. Just like the title said, 'void', my feeling right now is also void. So don't ask me why. It's just me trying to sort thing out in my own way. All is well, I'm feeling a bit better. So I'm off for now.

Ciao~

This week will be.. Special...

Yeah, like I said in the title. I guess this week is a lil bit special. Why? Well, I got to sign something up. And.. oh gosh, I just forget to call up someone while I'm writing this! That'll go to my to-do-list for tomorrow. And then... My account is active again, with all the money still intact. Thanks GoD... Well, though I have to lose some because of my lack of confidence in myself, but I'll pay that much sum in order to get the valuable lesson, which is, never doubt my 1st intuition.

Next is that this weekend will be the busiest weekend ever for me since... I don't know how long. Well, that's the privelege of being single. I can do anything without have to consider for anyone's feeling. Just for tomorrow only, I already got 3 things scheduled. And Saturday will be another 2, while on Sunday... I will be really special since my lecturer, after all of this time, is getting married!

I was like.. wow... It's been a while since I last hear from her, and the time she contact me is to say that she's getting married. I just don't realize how time flies. Next it might be mine... Though I still need to find "uri namja".

I gotta go for now, but see the update soon...

Ciao~

I think I'll give it a try

It's actually not been a while since I lastupdate, counting last Monday I did my blog. But it seems like ages ago since last time I write.

The 2 days in this week seems like long, very long. It's all because I need to wait for a very long time to know what's this Offering Letter consist of. I didn't get to it on Monday because the stupid printer won't work. It spilled ink everywhere, making us, the trainee, went home in an empty hand an an anxious feeling.

And as per yesterday, we had a game of trading (did I wrote that the company is an index company? In case I didn't, well, here is the truth) and I won the 2nd position with a $3,920 nett profit from $10,000 (fake) start money. Quite nice eh? Wait till you know how much the 1st position have... $7,830!!! Crazy, eh? Well, since there's only 2 winner that was allowed from the start, I get the prized money!!! Yay!! :D

Well, after all the excitement gone, we're waiting for our Offering Letter. And it's not shocked me at all with their conditions. After all, they're the type of company that needs money. Who doesn't? And if we know what kind of thing we can get and how actually easy it is, everyone will wanting to go there. So, I signed it with a probation of 3 months time.

My trainer said that it'll b easy. But I think I'll try my best, getting a lot of information 1st, learn how to do t right, and we'll see later. After all, 2 of my colleague already can have my kind of money or even the 1st winner kind of money each day. So, why can't I?

Eventhough life is not all about money, but I can't shrug it off the reality that we need money to live.

So, that's all for now. I'll be back with other things to write.

Ciao~

Life is all about WAITING

No matter who we are, all we've been doing up until now in life is mainly waiting for something to happen. Why can I say such things? Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

When we are a child, we always anxiously wait for our favorite cartoon to play in the TV. Or waiting for the day to pass early so that we can play with our friends again in the next day.

Next, when we are a teenager, we eagerly wait for us to be an adult. We rebel to our parents in order to have whatever we want in mind. We can hardly wait for tomorrow to come so that we can be one more step to adulthood. Also, we also waiting to be graduated from the school we're in so that we can be in a new environment.

After we're graduated fron the school, we are also waiting for an employment, or whatever activities we are joining in. And let's say we are an employee, the most obvious thing we're waiting is for the payday, a raise in salary, or a raise in rank.

If you want another example, we are also waiting for the right one to come to our life, have a family and growing it together.

So, actually what we're doing in life mostly is waiting, right? No time is been waste, but actually what we're doing in the waiting time is important. What we're usually do when we're waiting for our time to come? Do we waste it with unimportant things, or do we fill it with experience of life?

For now, I think in my life, I've done both. Though mostly we're usually do unimportant things, but I want to tell all of you, that life is just once. Please fill your life with things that matter, experience, and memories.

Ciao~

How time come and go so fast...

It's Saturday again without I notice it. Maybe because for the last 2 days I'm not iddling around at home doing almost absolutely nothing of importance, but I;m at office, which I actually have nothing to do yet except chatting or socializing or just listening to the training given just for the sake of it.

I only need to see on Monday, whether the contract of work will be suitable to me or not, then if I accept it, then I will be a full -fledge worker there! So long unemployment, welcome salary!!!

Maybe it sounds funny, but I'm bored already being at home, doing blogging, some freelance work, and I think that's all. And I feel so happy to be back in business again, having new friends, and most of all, income.

I wish all is well, so that I wll be totally free from guilt feel. I think that's all for now as I am at loss at word. And I don't think my last sentence have a correct grammar structure at all.

Ciao~

An Update of my situation

Okay... I know it's been a while since last I wrote about the job thing... And today I went there, again. This time, there's no confusing conversation, no dealing with anything obnoxious.

It was a straight to the point conversation, about what I'm going to do (which is expected already) and the approximate payment I'll get. Well, truly said, it's not to what I expected, but with what I give as a negotiation... I think it's quite fair to get such amount. Counting the inconvenience I gave them in the earlier days...

Anyway, I think I'm gonna try this chance while collecting some more money from them too *grinning*. At last, I'll have something else to do to make my day. And mostly, I'll meet new friends, and have a "view" at the same time.. ehehehe...

And now, I got this... excitement, anxious feeling after I got back home. I'm happy, but also afraid to make people who trust me dissapointed. That's why I need to stay focus and do my best later on. Hwaiting!

Ciao~

Confidence is...

.: Confidence: The feeling you have just before you understand the situation :.

Again, early in the morning I read this sentence (don't you think I read a lot these days?) and I got punched in the gut! Well, not literally saying being punched by someone, but I am truly shocked with those sentences.

Confidence, if we look upon our dictionary, they all will say:

• assurance: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities;
• a feeling of trust (in someone or something);
• a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favorable;
• a trustful relationship;
• a secret that is confided or entrusted to another;

In this article (I don't know what to say about this writing except 'article') I would like to take the meaning of confidence as "belief in yourself and ability" as the best definition.

Do you ever feel confident before doing ANY task, but in the middle you started to feel a little bit... doubting your ability? It's not that you lose your confidence, but the task is such a tricky one that you might think, "Why am I doing this" or "Why I'm not doing that before?" or "I am wrong... I should've look before doing such things"

When we started to think all like that, we started to lose out ability to think clearly and that's when we, usually, started to do some errors. All of you might think "that's not true" but let me tell you something. That's human. Making mistakes, being proud of ourselves, that's a part of being human.

Not that I say it's wrong, but sometimes -most of the time- we rely on our own strengh too much, that we forgot our boundaries, our own limitation. And we feel like... tired, enough of all, whenever we see that we almost fail to do something. And our confidence in the earlier will vanish like a thin air.

That's why I said earlier, the sentence is making me realize, that things sometimes has it's own boundaries. That we sometimes feel we can cross over the boundaries, even though we don't know how the end will be. For me, having a confidence of our own ability is good. But what to be remembered is that... We are nothing compared to GOD. My ability came from Him, and that's all that I have to remember every time I meet some problem.

As for those who don't believe in God, you must have feel that there are greater nature working too, right? And you believe in that, adding to your ability to make things right. It's the same with me. I can't do anything without looking at the possibility. And when I'm stuck, no matter how, I always can get our from the pich. With some help from someone, or even from a dream that I have at night. Funny, isn't it?

It seems to move to another topic if I continued this, so I'd better stop at it. Once again, I want you all to think it through:

Confidence: The feeling you have just before you understand the situation

Ciao~

Life is not..

.: Life is not about facing the storm, but to dance in the rain :.

Looking at those words above, I feel that it is the exact word of what we're supposed to do. Dancing. In dancing, there are a taughtable steps, but also there are wild dancing, where we dance with what we have, and with our heart, in order to express whatever we're feeling.

Life, stormfull as it is, and if we face it head-on with our own principle, then we're gonna break down. Because no matter what, how old the tree is, whenever there is storm, they tend to bow down to the strong wind, and if the tree is so old, they will break down someday.

But when we're enjoying what life has preserved us, we're going to be like a dancer, beautiful, and unbreakable. Why? Because by dancing, we can determine our own step. We know when to stop if the wind is too strong. We know how to face our problem whenever it come.

Have you ever dance in the rain? We usually look at how cheerful the kids when they playing and even dancing in the rain. They don't think of the consequences of being sick, but fixed their heart to the very moment. They enjoying themselves with it. And they are happy, beyond comparison.

When is the last time you're feeling happy without any boundaries holding you back? Without thinking what the consequences of your action might result? We, the adult, I'm truly afraid that we forsake the luxuries of those feeling when we started being worry to other people's thinking. We worried too much , that we often forget that the life we're living, is our own, not theirs.

So, why don't we "throw away our umbrella's and dance in the rain" for once? Because life is just once, and the seconds passed cannot be brought back.

Ciao~

The meaning of "Sorry"

Song: Illegal
by: Shakira


Who would have thought
That you could hurt me
The way you've done it?
So deliberate, so determined

And since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
And question my own questions on and on

So tell me now, tell me now
Why you're so far away
When I'm still so close

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

I tried so hard to be attentive
To all you wanted
Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong?
I'm wondering for days and hours
It's clear, it isn't here where you belong

Anyhow, anyhow
I wish you both all the best
I hope you get along

But you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart

======

Often times we say sorry in our life, but how many times do we actually mean it? It's not only in the context of loving someone, but in our daily life. We are used to say "I'm sorry" so easily, but we only do it because it is a habit we were taught since earlier day, to say sorry when we are wrong.

But once again, how often we're saying these words with meaning it truly? I'm trying to figure it out myself, because I'm also human. I also often time saying those kind of words just for the sake of saying it, without really meaning it. Most of the times is because I don't know where I've done wrong, but also some other times are because I don't wanna admit I'm at wrong.

Selfish, isn't it? But we, human, is a selfish being. And even though I'm supposed to be ashamed for that, but at the same time, I am also proud that I can admit that. Why? Because people often try to deny what they are actually. And for me, by admiting my weakness, I gain more strenght in life.

Hearing the song "Illegal" sang by Shakira, makes me thinking a lot of things, including the word "sorry". And it makes me want to make the word itself worth in my life by not using it without any feeling of regret. Naive, it may seem. But I wonder, what the world will like if everyone can have that kind of conscience...

Well, I think that's all from me for today. Till the next post.

Ciao~

One-Sided Love

=- This is just something that comes into my mind at the moment =-

This is a feeling I felt inside
Whenever I look at you,
Whether it's your back,
or is it your eyes,
Twinkling brightly when you smile
Or even your voice.
It gives me butterfly.

My heart flutter everytime you're near
And I can'a hardly wait till I can see you again
Even though I don't look like it,
But I do adore you, love...
I just don't have the courage
To tell you these things

Adoring you from afar
Wishing you to be mine
It seems impossible
to have you by my side
But let me have this dream
For this is only my simple wish.

I don't need any recognition
I don't need anything
Just be able to see you is enough
So, please let me be just there
Looking at you
Loving you in my own way

========

How time fly by...

I just went home from a reunion of one of the club I attended back in university. I decided to update this blog immediately so I still have the feeling of being there at this moment, before I forget it.

Well, it was the 11th anniversary of the said club, Nippon Club. There were a lot of people indeed that attending the event, but of course, the newer member of the club are dominant. Even though it is like that, I feel so happy to meet other older member from earlier generation.

Looking back at the event, I feel that the time surely fly by. I was young, very energic (not saying that I;m not right now) back then, hopping here and there in the club, making friends and memories. And now, when I attend one of the event held by the very club I attended to, all I feel is just a reminiscence of what I were before. And how the feeling os different now.

The club is bigger, more successful, and merrier if you compare it now and then. Of course it should be like that if it's already more than 10 years. It's just like us, human being. We started as baby, then growing up, start walking, talking, and then in time, we also making history of our own by our own hand. No matter how small it is, the time will etched every single detail in our memory.

And I'm happy, and feel bliss to be one part of that kind of companion, where they always look one after another, no matter where or what we are doing.

Keep up the good work, and be more successful in the future to Nippon Club of Bina Nusantara University!


Jya ne~

What is desired in a man....

.:What is desired in a man is kindness, and a poor man is better than a liar (Prov. 19: 23):.


In this world nowadays, I found it is really a difficult task just to find a truly kind man that is honoring his family above other people, but not before God Himself. What I found usualy is that they go out to work, meet an interesting nonetheless beautiful and charming lady in the office or somewhere near vicinity, and get hooked. Whether it is the intention of the lady, or not.

And they usualy tend to force their way in if they feel that it is a challenge to make her his. And that is what I find truly despicable. I don't know why it is really difficult to find a kind man these days, or is it that in their nature to... have a lot of wives? Because since the beginning of the earth and since people roaming in the earth, we saw that (almost) all men has more than one wife. Whom to blame? I don't know.

What I know is that... God created man to couple with one woman only in their life. And that's why I find why women is often can remember the man in her life. Because they are actually designed to love only one person in their life. So as man, actually. But since women are an emotional creature, they tend to live with it. While men, as a logical creature, try to ease the feeling they have by having a distraction rather than facing the problem head on.

So, there's a reason why I put those words above from Proverbs. It's not that I'm religious enough to have those impacted in my life, but it's just I feel those words are the exact way to tell people to (pardon my word) fuck off and mind their own business instead of trying to... know me in a deeper way with another intention of... I don't know what. Oh, well, I know very well what they're after, but I just don't wanna put it in words, if you know what I mean.

So, is it possible to find a real kind man in this world? If I can meet several before, I do believe that there still another out there. It's just that I haven't meet with him, yet. And I hope God will show His way for me to end this... despair I feel in finding the Mr. Right.

Ciao~

A Reminiscence of the Past (and Future)

I just finished attending one of my "grandma"s 69th birthday party. There were lotsa of people indeed came to celebrate it with her. There also lots of people giving a few word about her, that I -in the middle of those speech- were thinking, will I be able to see thing like this someday? Will all my friends came to celebrate my nth birthday, or will I be able to see my family came together on that day?

Wow.. It seems so far, yet so close. We don't know how long we can actually live in this world. And I decided, as I live, I want to be remembered by people, wherever I go, so that someday when my family goes some place, they can see what I've dont to those people in that particular place.

Actually there a lot of things I want to say, but it's already late and I have to do something in the morning, so it's best for me to get some sleep so I'll feel refresh later.

Ciao~

I know what I want....

She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that’s important—you know

To know what you actually wanted is an important thing in your life. Not knowing it, means that you've lost some essence in your life, that you still looking for it. And that's not a pretty picture. Sometimes, we feel like... empty, and that's just because we actually don't know what's missing.

For me, enjoying my time, relaxing, going out with friends, doing my hobbies, writing, watching movies, or even day dreaming, is not enough to fulfil what I actually wanted in my life, though it shows that I have a life.

What I wanted in my life is to be useful for everyone, to build people to become better. To show people what I am capable of, and that I am actually worthed. And also I want to make my family -in my case is my mum- to be proud of me. Nwvertheless, I want to show my biological family that I can survive even though they don't help me anything at all.

And I am actually glad that I know what I want, even though the road to it is bumpy and not smooth at all.

Ciao~

If it's meant for me....

:: If it's meant for me, it will be mine...::
:: If it's not meant for me,::
:: I'll have something BETTER::

Looking up at those words, I feel a little much better.
As you all know, I've been anxious and confused over few days. And I feel that I am right for my decision yesterday. Why? Because for the first time after I step my feet on that company, I feel free and relieved.

I've been put in a not so nice situation where I have to think over about my qualification (which is torturing) and yet I now feel that I do something terribly right. They rise their offer.! But that for another day. Will write after I get the exact situation. I don't wanna speculate things for now.

Ciao~

Still... Confused

I actually don't know what to do again today. I;m still at home, relieving my frustration of the event that happened before me yesterday. Yeah. I'm still confused and anxious of what should I say to them. Should I back off, or should I come and join forces with them? Been talking with several of my friends, and they said to take it. But my heart say no. And my mum also not helping at all. On top of that, she;s being a total B***** this morning, making me feel reluctant to do anything for today.

My mood suddenly become black and then she just sit there, saying nothing at all or try to encourage me for anything. And I'm in a complete loss of words or action at that moment. And now here I am, in front of my laptop, still looking for what I wanna do.

Ciao~

Confused... Total Devastation

I was telling myself something in the morning, anticipating whatever may come on my way. And yet, I'm coming back with a fuzzy mind, feels like a lightning has struck through me in the day, when I heard about the position they offer me, and how much they gonna give me for that.

I'm a realistic person... Yes I truly am. And yet.. here I am, stranded here in my room with TV blaring and my head full of the song "Waka Waka" and the conversation I had earlier in the afternoon, fully CONFUSED and DEVASTATED. I truly don;t know what to do. It was such a disgrace for me, yet I know I need it and it;s such a good chance indeed. 1st thing in my mind is that I'm gonna get a FIXED income (which actually cannot pay anything at all after I calculated it very carefully)

But then , they also offered me something too, which makes me thinking more. And yet my heart still doubt it. I don't know. Don't really know what to do, what action should I take, what move should I make. GOD please help me... I'm truly desperate for an answer. And I need it tomorrow.

I have to get up tomorrow with an answer. Whether I must be going or not. And yet.. I don't think I can sleep that well with all of this in my mind. My body's weary from last night's event (World CUP 2010 final) since I haven't sleep at all. My eyes also feel bleary now.. But my heart is queasy. And my stomach is churning badly. I feel sick of this feeling, an extreme confusion.

Oh well, it's better for me to go off now, Perhaps I can get some peace for my mind during my sleep.

Ciao~

Confused Feelin

Okay, back again after so long been abandoning this blog (which not supposed to coz I vowed myself to update it n not losing the ID this time)

Been back to business again after so long been hibernating. Yeah.. You guys can see me as some sort of person who take things for granted, but I actually do think so too. I'm hating it for sure, but I also cannot deny such facts too.

I'm 24, but I don't think that I've done something that can make my mom proud at all. It's been more than 5 years after my dad passed away and since then I've been living life in full mask. A smiling, laughing mask that actually makes me sick everytime I'm under it. Been too long living a deceiving live that I don't know who am I anymore. It's been me for all these time and it's also been a habit too. Even if I'm hurt, I only can smile, or worse, laugh it of that ppl think that I'm too carefree.

But actually I'm not. And the worst thing is that I'm not doing anything to make it right at all.

Anyway, back to what I'm actually wanna share now. It's that I'm actually (might) gonna get a job!!! After 3 months of fully unemployed (apart from the time I'm doing this and that freelancing), I'm actually gonna work again.

The thing is that... I'm actually not quite sure about it. I started to apply on the company as a Junior Secretary though I'm actually not quite sure about my qualification for that too. It's just that the salary they offeri is quite above the average companies out there, especially in Jakarta. And I need financial independence. Also I'm already bored as hell at home, waiting for my freelance works.

So on Tuesday morning, I woke up by the ring of my phone, saying that they want to interview me at 2 pm. So I'm going (with a bit lost here and there on my way. Hahhaa). And when I'm arrived there, I get a shock therapy coz actually the company that asked me to come is the kind of company that I 'run away from'. But after all, I already there, so I think 'Why not stay and see 1st?'

And there I was, on my 3rd day of training. And they want me to becoma a Trainer. Look how funny it is? From one position to another. Well not that I don't like it, but I just feel that it's funny that it's like that. And now I must think whether I'll take it or not.

I have my own consideration for accepting or not the job, apart from the 'great views' there, a lovely friend I made during my training days, my boredom, and my financial condition. After all, I don't wanna have anymore regret in working anywhere anymore.

Oh well... I hope (and MUST) update about it on Monday.

Cheers,

Shin

African Music is... Enchanting :D

Just went back from a progra in one of my pastor's church and I'm home with a new memory. An exciting and surely unforgettable one.

I witness an African music being played, an lemme tell ya, it's an unforgettable memory. he people are dancing accoding to the music, the music that is surely gonna make your body move with the beat. An the togetherness that I feel there... It's undescribable by word.

And it's surely an exciting one. Can't wait for tmorrow to see it again.