Planning Your Own Life doesn't...

I just sitting down in my office, feeling a bit not well coz of the unknown weather that wearing me down and talk about life with my BF. A thought hit me, Planning your own life doesn't always mean it will go as you plan it to be. How many of us ever plan something in our life, yet in the end we don't achieve it or worse, we abandoning our plan in the middle of it in order to get through with another plan? I'll bet that most.. or should I say, all of us is like that.

Life always shows us things that can distract us from the path of destiny (I'm just toning this words down so it won't seem that I'm preaching). While perhaps we can do one thing we're best at, most of the times we're just want to.... push ourself to another direction, just to know our own extent (limit). And that always confuse us in the end of what we're best to do, because of conflict of interest (not with other people but because of ourself).

I'm trying to look back of why we're like this.... Why I'm like this, a jack-of all-trade type of person, don't exactly know what I like to do, and what's the cause of it. And I stumble upon many... many answers. Envy, Curiosity (they always said 'curiosity kills the cat'. I guess it's true enough in this case), Habit, and... Environment Demand. I won't say that there's only these traits that makes someone do what they're doing. I believe that there are lots of other causes, but for now I just write these traits.

1. Envy

When you say you adore someone because of their special trait, I would say that it's actually envy because you can't do what they're doing. But it will be a down-side when you're actually try to do what they're good at and copying. That's just pathetic. Well, I sorta did that when I'm still a kid (see for yourself whether you're doing it too, and you'll be surprised that all of us actually did that). A child is always jealous about things that they see other kid's been praised at. They will always try to beat those kids in order to gain attention for themselves. Why? I just haven't got time to think thoroughly about it, but I will write about it when I got the answer. Back to the topic, when we envy someone and that become a jealousy, we're making ourselves moves from the path we're supposed to go in our life that's predestined for us only by doing things we're not supposed to do. Why the extra baggage? Well, that's my point and I'm just trying to make things simple.

2. Curiosity

There is a famous proverb for that, "curiosity kills the cat". These proverb can be used in our own life as often as it can be. Why? Curiosity can kill our chance to do something we're meant to do, just because of the heat of moment or passion. We love to try new things just because we're interested on what other people said about it, or should we just say, curious (i'd go for peculiar but I guess it's just too advance word for this simple writing)? Curiosity lead me to learn tons of things. Painting, outbound, knitting, cross-stitching, puzzling, biking, and still lots of other things I can do. My problem is that I'm doing it the best way while playing around with it, and get the best result. But when I know it hold only that, I lost interest with it because it doesn't hold the same 'magic' when you learn about it. Perhaps because I learn the trick to do all of the things easily, and never get any difficulties during learning it, so it's just an easy pie for me. As for other people? Well... perhaps they'll hold grudge with me if they know what I'm capable of and my result when they compete with me. I'm not bragging here.. but who give a damn?

3. Habit

Hmm... What should I say about this? Well, habit is... as it is. As we go to school, we learn things that are different than our own interest, which muddled up our potential. But when we meet the right button to push, our ability will be getting it's own boost. It's a bit hard to say it clearly about this one peculiar point. Habit is what makes us now, whether we like it or not. A wrong footing we might get, a wrong education might ruin someone's life, but we got to move on with it as it is.

4. Demand

The point already saying it out loud. We're doing things because of the demand. And why? Perhaps another time I will have a say about this.

Enough saying for today. I never though that my ramble would actually take me to write this much. TTYL.

Love~

Shin

A notes during office - a tiny bit of my mind

Making myself to write everyday seems to be an almost impossible task for me.. It's just that I don't have time or energy left to write after a full day. Though I know it would be good for my sanity (which almost becoming minus each passing day till now). Usually I wrote my novel, but it seems like the muse I'm usually working with is currently 'dead' due to my lack of spirit to even think about anything after work.

It's not that I'm lacking a commitment. Just too moody to even know what my true passion is. One day I just like to write a whole day, at the other time I just want to lay down and sleep or being a couch potato, in the other opportunity I want to hang out with friends, and perhaps another time I just want a solitude and bite any people's head when they come near me. I love to sing, I truly do. But the problem lies in the environment I'm in. Holding me back all the time, not freeing me to express myself to sing anything that comes out from my mouth.

I love to write. Each time I get the idea, I always write the gist first, but later on I just want someone to write it on, and enjoying the fruit of that person's writing with what I want it to be, which proved impossible as I haven't find the one that want to do the 'dirty' work. I love travelling, but again, the problem lies... well you guess it.. Financial is always be my problem. Time would be number two. But I have a dream of going all over the world and enjoying my pension on the trip. Will that be acceptable?

Hmm... Guess I got to go back to my work again, preparing report as I'm writing during office hour. Yea.. Bad me... But what can I say? I'm bored to the bone, so I write, the only thing that a bit acceptable.

Ciao~

Reflection of this month

Dear Me,

Yea.. I'm calling this blog a self-reflection of what I've done, what will I do, and a self-regret too... Whatever I can't say clearly to anyone, I guess i can say it better in the form of writing. Nevertheless, I feel this in my sort of emotional therapy. A better me will come out after I write all my darkest thought, and clearly reflecting it. Call it a self-preservation or whatever, I'm trying to see myself in a different angle. Later on, when I read what I've wrote, I'd wonder... 'Is this me who wrote this?'

As for this month almost ending, I notice that a bunch of things happened in my life so fast that sometimes it scares me... Moving on with what I believe also sometimes cannot be tolerated by other people, no matter how right I am, or how wrong they are. Sometimes, we should submit to other greater power beyond our reach... and that doesn't always mean God in His glorious ways. Sometimes it's more simpler than that, which can also means ... our parents, our manager, bosses, our government... etc.

While submitting to the greatest power, aka God Himself, I can do it. I just can't seem to be quite obedience to those who were merely man in flesh. Just don't ask me why. It's just the uniqueness in me since the day I was born. Ask my mother whether I can accept things that I can't take with my logic, and most of the time (the trust is.. all the time) I will not follow the rules. Let me put this clearly. Rules are meant to be broken,, if you can't tell me what it's created for. A stability? what for? a peace? really? And so on... I notice that other people are also like that, but I believe that they still can be still and quiet... more that I do.

Sometimes I wish I can... not voice my opinion and see what the world, especially my environment, will be like. Most of the time, my voiced opinion makes a better world to others, but then... they just kinda forgot who makes it actually changed. And then I'll be kicked aside (most of the time). Blame me to become bitchier by now ( I don't even know whether 'bitchier' is a word or not).

Being quiet also sometimes makes people think that you agree for what they're doing, even when they're wrong. And that's totally uncool, especially when we're the wronged party. But people don't seem to be agreeing with it. They keep on doing what they want and just that our perfect little world is ruined. And they call me selfish to wish a happiness for me or just a simple peace of mind?

Well, though I'm rambling right now in the middle of working time and get angrier at times too, but at least I'm voicing my opinion though not out loud but at least I know what's been bothering me this months. Especially this past week. A verbal inactivity in my part can lead to a chaos of habit. Or such...

Enough for now. Perhaps I still can find time to write again before I'm blowing out a smoke outta my head coz of the pent up emotion in me.

Ciao~

Light in the Darkness (a song by me and B.O de LIMA)

There was time when I lose my way
I give up hope, get lost in the dark
The coldness in my heart makes me blind from any dreams
Did not know about one love that's waiting for me

The one that I call my Love
Was calling my name and soothe all my pain
He taught me forgiveness and to love my enemies
Should I know that it will make me soar and set me free

Refrain:
You light the way in my darkest day
and no matter where I'll be
I know that You'll be there for me

And now, even when I lose my way
I know that You'll wait for me
to come back again to Your way.

I dream of being in Your arms

Feeling the Love You’ve gave me so far.

My lover, my friend, savior that is who You are

Calling me to guide me throughout all my darkest day 

Bridge:

Ev'ry day each moment
Whenever I looked back to the time
You will always be my guide
And light my way in the dark
Guide me and strengthen me
Even when I did not know...


Copyright @ A. Shinta, March 13, 2011