Lazying around? I don't think so...

Hmm.. updating my situation once more.

Lots of things happened for this month only, and I mean a lot. I lose my job (don't say: 'again?' to me... I know how suck it is right now), broke up (this still perhaps since I don't really know our situation per se he doesn't want to give any d*mn call, and with the holiday is lurking in the corner, it is quite impossible to find a job right now. So here I am, sitting in a corner of one shopping plaza (I won't say it as a mall), sipping my iced cappucinno and downloading movies for my leisure time, looking around this cafe with less interest since it is fasting time and it's also working days, so nothing much to see either.

What I know is I need to get out from my house or else I'd succumb to craziness called loneliness. I've been alone for... almost my whole life, and I just don't really want to be alone right now. So here i am, still alone, but surrounded at least by people. Weird? I find so too.

It was only a matter of time before I got tired of your ways...I tried to make you fire, but you were only ice...

I read those sentences in my friend's account and looking at my life right now. I think that's what my BF will say to me. Yea.. I'm one cold wench. But what to do? I'm just trying my best to understand, but perhaps what's looked outside is different than the inside. It's just don't work that way, I'm afraid.

Here I am, rambling again. But you know what? I don't care. I want to write what I'm feeling, so I won't forget these days, less I got an Alzheimer, I still have this to remind me of something, anything so I won't really lose myself.

Love… A never ending confusion

There is a lot of things that can be said about love. The common thing about love that can be said is it will involve 2 people. I’m saying about love between man and woman, not the other type of love.

Love can get complicated when we see to it. A relationship between people that is not yourself is hard because you will undoubtedly get a friction in it. Sometimes you are unknowingly hurt the other party as well as other. Sometimes you knowingly and purposely hurt the other person, because you are afraid to be hurt, afraid of your weakness be exposed. You can only correct other people without correcting oneself. Selfish, isn’t it? People are selfish indeed. But mostly they just don’t accept to be said that.

Sacrifice is needed in a relationship, whether you want it or not. Time, though is needed in order to accomplish something that we need to change, sometimes does not enough. A will to change is an important thing too. But the most important is that you want to accept your other half as they are, like it or not. Then you, together, can work on any things.

For me, a communication is one of the most important thing in a relationship leading to love. If you can’t communicate well, it’s gonna be hell to pay for, sooner or later. The fear of being rejected of who I am is what drives me to write, though what I wrote mostly no one read, but at least I said my existence and my thinking in this world. It doesn’t always mean I’m right, but I can go back through my writing and see for myself, whether I changed or not. Tough stuff…

Love for me is just a condition where I have, and both of us have, to open ourselves to the other to see. If I find that the person can’t accept it, I won’t open myself. Perhaps only for several common things, but nothing more. If the person only see me just to require me to change, I’d rather not go further. Why? It means that he does not like me for who I am. I don’t know why he likes me at all. Outer look attraction? That’s the most cause.

Men mostly think that women are not supposed to think. They find women who can think for themselves are intimidating and they don’t interest in finding one as a sparring partner. Women can’t be too smart, or they can’t find themselves a guy worthy of them. True enough, but you know what? Women are still women. We love the small things men do to us, like opening the door for us, prepare a surprise, or just a simple courting. But nowadays, it’s really hard to find a man like that, except perhaps they are raised as a gentleman, or in most cause, they are trying to find a playmate so they play sweet.

Back to the word, Love, it’s complicated enough when you mix it with lust. You can’t seem to be able to differ between love or lust. Especially when you’re out of the club for a while. You just love the time being alone so much, and can’t distinguish between the two “L” words. I encounter these times too, and whether my partner is worthy or not, I think I’ll opt it out.

Ciao for now.