Expectation

Well, we almost reach the end of April, and as I promised myself, I write another piece to end this month.

This month is kinda hectic for me, what's with all the new program being installed and whatsoever, and my expectation is that we can run it by May 2012. But unfortunately, due to certain circumstances, the plan will be dragged out till, perhaps June. But fortunately, I got this team that becoming solid each day, and the place seems more... conducive, lest with the 2 people that just seemed like cannot like me at all. And they're of other department, so... whatever.

About life, nothing special. Just try to enjoy my daily kinda boring life with no special social thing on hand. I really need to find a community of my own, but with my air-headed attitude? I guess it'll be kinda hard to tell. After all, being in a community kinda requires you to be a bit more active than you should be, in order for them to accept you and make you feel comfortable. Sigh.

About love... It's a bit hard to say. We faced another problem. And it's my mistake. Though I apologized and we're in a good term again, I keep feeling that there won't be another chance of me being forgiven if this continue. So I learn to hold myself back a bit more. But which part of me that need to hold back? *I feel like crying while writing this. I miss him too much*
I tried to understand his busy schedule. But he just can't find anytime for me. I know I'm complaining, but who else read this blog except me? Nobody even come here, so I'm free to express myself. And this blog is the truth that I've been holding down from people, for I'm scared to hurt them. Well, the fact that it hurts me does matter, but it's me or them. And I prefer to sacrifice myself. A bad move indeed, but at least I won't live with a guilty feeling to others. This is my consequences of deciding to go out with him. Sometimes he's just make my heart goes, 'Awwww', but perhaps most of the times he's just irritates me. Just because he prefer to spend his time with his beloved cousin. Or work. or club friends. Why? Coz there's no me. And it seems he just can't see me in his life. Or is this is just my thinking? I hope so.

Well, the gloom me is somehow gone now after I'm trying to be lovey-dovey and keep my positivity intact... Negativity is just like a nasty virus, isn't it? But the thing that I actually want to write about is about excitement and disappointment.

Those two relate each other like such symbiosis that I forgot the name (better to find it after this). Whenever we keep our excitement for something relating other people, somehow in the end we sort of forced to swallow a bitter pill of disappointment. No matter how small or big it is the excitement. I'm writing this based on my own experience and bitterness towards life you can say. Sometimes I just feel like running away from everyone, or just die. But I can't find the courage to die yet, prematurely. But I also need people to be by my side. And no one can do that perfectly too like I want it. So, again, I have to eat those bitter pill like an addict.

Oh well, enough succumbing. I don't want to spoil my positive energy trying to cheer myself up. After all, the task is seems harder to do than cheering others.

Ciao for now~

One of those dark days

Tears are the way your body express what your heart can't say.

Have you ever feel like crying without knowing the reason why? It's just when you stop suddenly, and the tears are just flowing freely from your eyes without you can stop. I had one of those days too, and for me, it is just the way my own body said to me: "enough of being tough girl. Now you take rest and succumb to it. We'll make it through tomorrow."

Do you know that the saddest thing is being sad without expressing yourself of being sad? Or in another word, the saddest thing is just to hold yourself back from whatever emotion you are experiencing, whether it is sadness, joy, anger, disappointment, etc. It is called self-suppression. I, myself suppress a lot of those things, especially the bad things because I just don't want to feel bad about anyone. But, well... some time, all hell's are just need to break loose. When you suppress something or try to jumble up anything into a closet, no matter how expandable it is, it will break apart and all the things you suppressed will just pop out and make a mess of itself, leaving you in a clutter of junk.

Then... why have to suppress ourselves then? Why not let it loose and stop stressing ourselves?

Well... There are something that are bound to happen when we reach adulthood. or perhaps it can came earlier to some others. Suppressing your emotion is one of the thing called understanding. Accepting that not everything we want we can get is one of the earliest lesson in our life. Especially when the parent are not the 'super rich' type. As a kid, we are somehow forced to understand that, and those situation can lead into a habit of not telling what you actually wanted.
Reaching teenage years, some of us will get into a rebellious state, while others are keeping their lesson in the childhood intake. For the rebellious ones, parents are often get angry, not knowing what actually drives the kids mad like that. Almost majority of parents will do things like, yelling, get angry, saying things that are not supposed to be said in front of their child. And all parents know what exactly the kids will say, right. Roughly saying, they talk back. But unconsciously, parent hurt their child's heart, that will be carried on until they reach their adulthood.
So, basically saying, suppressing ourselves is a common sense taught by society ever since we were born in this world. It's just the portion of holding back ourselves are different from one another.

Well, from my point of view, the one that can suppress themselves better are women. Because women are such an emotional being, and they cared deeply for others. We are not saying those who are not, but majority of women are just like that. And being a jumble of emotional being is... hard. For me, they are the strongest creature in the earth that can bear pain more than any living being, say it physically or emotionally.

I can proudly say that today is one of the day I just want to succumb to my own jumbled up emotion and cry my eyes out. No worries for I will clear up the bad feeling and be another cheerful me tomorrow (well, I hope so).

Premonition

Have you ever feel something stuck in your chest and you can't shake the feeling off?

Have you ever feel that something bad will gonna happen, even though you don't want it?

Have you ever feel that someone's action or word is a premonition of something?

Have you ever feel like you're going to lose someone dear to you, though you don't want it?

I'm trying ot shake this feeling off

But it keep coming, again and again.

I tried not to think too much

But it keep reminding me with every single thing I see or do.

I tried not to care too much for the fear of hurting so much

But it just something I can't stop or erase.

I tried not to cry

But I have no power against it.

It seems that feeling is something you can not suppressed. Ever.

The more you suppressed it, the more it will try to break you down with force.

Tears, Laughter, are the way your body healed you from emotional damage.

But what if you can't cry due to some reasons?

And nothing can make you laugh?

All you got is just... the undescribable feeling that slowly kills you.

And this killing me slowly, softly

This heart breaking feeling...

Night Time

A soft clicking on the keyboard and a buzzing sound of the computer's fan.
A slow music on the background and a slight aroma of coffee and brandy.
A heavy sigh and a creaking bed.
Just like the other nights, for what seems like a hundred nights.

It was lively, it was bright.
It was full of fun, it was warm.
It was heated, and most of all, it was love.
But all was paused. Or did it just stopped?

No one really know how does this started.
Suddenly the atmosphere changed without anyone realized.
Or did it started due to no one realized it?

The late night chat of daily routine
Added with a glass of wine for special occasion
A heated kiss that lead to a more heated session in the wherever room.
But all stopped suddenly.

Trying to figure it out somehow.
When does it started?
And since when the killing quietness became a routine?
Where does all the light in your eyes and the glow on your skin dried away?

The loud clatter of broken china
The banging on the door
The shout and the sobs
And suddenly, nothing.

I did that, I realize.
All you need was someone who can listen
All I want was an understanding
I didn't see all that's coming.

A withered flower on the corner of the windowsill.
Boxes of take-away food
Lots of paper scattered on the floor
And mountains of dirty clothes untouched.

When I realized, I know it perhaps too late.
What are you thinking alone?
What burden are you bearing alone?
I never know nor care.

A little bit will do
Share the heavy burden on your shoulders with me
I will do anything I can
As long as I can do it


There is some scene here that I love... The intimacy, the warm fuzzy feeling it gives me, and the past love. And a hope of having someone that will share his burden with me and mine him. Minus the gloomy side of course :).

Stormy Heart

Water. A lot of water. From the side, above and everywhere. A boat is just floating in the middle of it. And a person on it didn't even make a move. Everything seemed like there's a someone hitting a pause button.

The boat rocked gently from the waves beneath it. Yet the person won't budge. Staring at the reflection on the water that never been clear because of the waves and the rain.

The wind keep its pace, blowing stronger each passing moment, blowing the hat that the person been wearing, revealing a thick long hair, belonged to a woman. Yet she still won't budge, lost in her own thought. Drowning without being drown.


A flashback started.

She was in a room with a big couch that supposedly make everyone that came to the place feel comfortable. But not her, and she thinks that no one ever does. After all, on the couch, all of their inner thought would be revealed.

"So... How does you feel today?" A soothing voice from a man came from behind a desk that is across the couch. She looked at the man, a middle aged one with a starting hair loss can be seen. And she just doesn't like him.

A bit of memory flashing again.

"I don't know when it started. The delusion of being loved by him, a happy family we're not. With or without the child."
The sky gets darker and the wind blows harder, slapping her hair on her face. But she still not moving from her spot.

"I seem to be no longer human. I deny the feeling, his and mine. But I know exactly what made him changed to be so... Happy. And yet I don't want to admit it."
A rumble can be heard from the distance and the small boat is being played at by the waves.

"It's been... Very long... He held me in his arms and said he loved me. And I don't feel the same like I used to when he did those things to me." A tear escaped from her eyes. A tear when she no longer feel anything. Just one drop and nothing more.

"So... You do know why you are like that?" It was a statement and not a question. The man still waiting patiently for any response. Anything.

"Perhaps... It started from the end, when I used up all the love of a lifetime."

Now thunder is striking down in such fashion that no one else dares to challenge it by being out there. The ocean is going berserk now. And the woman find a determination now. Perhaps an answer.

"From the day I ran away from the reality, my heart is empty... Empty... And now, all is just too late."

She stand up on the rocking boat and no one ever saw her again. All that's left is just a small boat on the shore with no one on it in the next bright morning. The ocean is just a mute witness of what exactly happened on that stormy night.

Six Characteristics for a Potential Spouse

Six Characteristics for

a Potential Spouse

 

Dennis RaineyWhat to look for as you contemplate marriage.

I am often asked, "What should a single person look for in a potential spouse?" Singles want to know...and parents want to know so they can pass the information on to the children. So I finally came up with these following list:

A woman should seek a man who…

1. Fears God. Some of the ways you can tell if a young man fears God is by his language and how he treats other people. Does he treat them with respect? If not, why not? We as human beings are made in the image of God, and respecting people ultimately shows a heart that reverences the One whom we reflect.
2. Is not afraid to love. That may sound like a no-brainer, but a lot of young men today are afraid of commitment, and the young lady ends up chasing the young man. What we need today are more young men who are not afraid of being real, authentic, and committed to a young lady in a relationship. We need men who are not afraid to love.
3. Can admit his faults, his mistakes, and when he's hurt you. Ruth Bell Graham made the statement, "A good marriage is the union of two forgivers." The reason is because you're going to hurt one another over and over again during your lifetime together. If you don't know how to ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness, you're never going to have a great marriage. The growth of your marriage will be stunted early on.
4. Can control his passions. We live in an age that has been invaded by pornography. The world sends a message that you can have it all and can satisfy yourself. I would want my daughters to date a young man who is fully in charge of his passion and can control his desire for the opposite sex.
5. Honors his parents. In the Ten Commandments, God tells us to honor our parents that our lives may be long and it may be well with us. Wouldn't you want to select a man whose life has a sense of well being in God's favor? I have heard it said that if you want to see how a young man will treat you, see how he treats his mother. I'd take that a step further—how does he honor both his mother and his father? Does he speak well of them or is he angry with them? Does he refuse to speak about them at all? What's going on between a young man and his parents is very important.
6. Is in the process of becoming a leader who knows how to serve. Being the head of a home and having so much authority and responsibility demands a servant spirit and self-denial. If a young man doesn't know how to deny himself on behalf of another person, giving up his personal rights, goals, and dreams, I would question whether he would know how to create a family over a lifetime.

A man should seek a woman who…

1. Fears God and whose hope is in the Lord God. Her life is going to be a reflection of where her hope is. If a young lady's hope is in any place other than the Lord, the young who marries her is going to spend the rest of his life trying to help his wife catch a butterfly. It isn't going to happen.
2. Honors her parents. There is so much baggage today being brought into marriages based upon dysfunctional relationships with Mom and Dad. And even though this impacts both the husband and the wife, it's been my experience that women tend to be impacted more negatively by this than young men. Women tend to be more nurturing and they are impacted deeply by hurting relationships. If she has a hard time honoring her parents, she will have a hard time honoring you. Find someone who has or is working to have a healthy relationship with her parents.
3. Knows how to ask for forgiveness, admit she's wrong, grant forgiveness, and give grace when you fail her.This isn't just a one-way street. Both of you are going to need to do that.
4. Wants to be a wife and a mother. There are some young ladies who want to be married, but don't really want to be a wife and a mother. They want to be married, but they want their career to be their number-one pursuit. I believe the scriptures teach that a wife's number-one pursuit should be ministering to her husband and family. That means if you choose to have children, your priorities and values have already been determined.
5. Displays character in her modest dress. A young man's character is displayed in his choices around life—around the use of money and relationships. But a woman's character is displayed in how she handles the power of her femininity and sexuality. In other words—how modest is she? That's becoming a weird word in our culture, but I would challenge young men to keep their eyes out for young women whose character is displayed in not only on the inside, but the outside as well.
6. Knows how to follow a man. That doesn't mean perfection, but it does mean that she understands that she's the vice president, not the president. Women are joint heirs of the grace of God, but someone has to make the final decision when you both disagree. When one person votes one way, and the other person votes another, I believe it's the responsibility of the husband to listen carefully and wisely consider the counsel of his wife. It's upon him and to the Lordship of Jesus Christ as being led in the power of the Holy Spirit to make that decision, and then it's upon the wife to be able to follow under the same influence. That's not an easy thing in this culture.

 

Note you that this is totally not mine. I found it in this blog, so don't sue me for the copyright. I didn't claim this as mine...