Expectation

Well, we almost reach the end of April, and as I promised myself, I write another piece to end this month.

This month is kinda hectic for me, what's with all the new program being installed and whatsoever, and my expectation is that we can run it by May 2012. But unfortunately, due to certain circumstances, the plan will be dragged out till, perhaps June. But fortunately, I got this team that becoming solid each day, and the place seems more... conducive, lest with the 2 people that just seemed like cannot like me at all. And they're of other department, so... whatever.

About life, nothing special. Just try to enjoy my daily kinda boring life with no special social thing on hand. I really need to find a community of my own, but with my air-headed attitude? I guess it'll be kinda hard to tell. After all, being in a community kinda requires you to be a bit more active than you should be, in order for them to accept you and make you feel comfortable. Sigh.

About love... It's a bit hard to say. We faced another problem. And it's my mistake. Though I apologized and we're in a good term again, I keep feeling that there won't be another chance of me being forgiven if this continue. So I learn to hold myself back a bit more. But which part of me that need to hold back? *I feel like crying while writing this. I miss him too much*
I tried to understand his busy schedule. But he just can't find anytime for me. I know I'm complaining, but who else read this blog except me? Nobody even come here, so I'm free to express myself. And this blog is the truth that I've been holding down from people, for I'm scared to hurt them. Well, the fact that it hurts me does matter, but it's me or them. And I prefer to sacrifice myself. A bad move indeed, but at least I won't live with a guilty feeling to others. This is my consequences of deciding to go out with him. Sometimes he's just make my heart goes, 'Awwww', but perhaps most of the times he's just irritates me. Just because he prefer to spend his time with his beloved cousin. Or work. or club friends. Why? Coz there's no me. And it seems he just can't see me in his life. Or is this is just my thinking? I hope so.

Well, the gloom me is somehow gone now after I'm trying to be lovey-dovey and keep my positivity intact... Negativity is just like a nasty virus, isn't it? But the thing that I actually want to write about is about excitement and disappointment.

Those two relate each other like such symbiosis that I forgot the name (better to find it after this). Whenever we keep our excitement for something relating other people, somehow in the end we sort of forced to swallow a bitter pill of disappointment. No matter how small or big it is the excitement. I'm writing this based on my own experience and bitterness towards life you can say. Sometimes I just feel like running away from everyone, or just die. But I can't find the courage to die yet, prematurely. But I also need people to be by my side. And no one can do that perfectly too like I want it. So, again, I have to eat those bitter pill like an addict.

Oh well, enough succumbing. I don't want to spoil my positive energy trying to cheer myself up. After all, the task is seems harder to do than cheering others.

Ciao for now~