Ending of Life (May 2013)

As I try to close this month with something I’ve experience as usual, I am faced by the constant reminder of how life and death embracing each other tightly. How each breath we let out might be our last, and how the simple intake of our breath may speak of a numerous miracle it contain.

I must admit how I hate going to the funeral home, not because of my father but ever since I can remember I never like that place anyway. Too much sadness, grievance and despair permeating in the air, I would say that negativity tainted the surrounding and affecting everyone regardless of a close family or even a stranger.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can go to those places but I will feel like I’m having a terminal illness and be sick afterward. This month I even exceeded my limit of the visit to funeral houses and worse of all, cemetery.  Four times of it add it with a funeral and I’m pretty sure I will stay in bed for the next few days. Who you say? It’s complicated to answer. Let’s say one is an uncle and another is a granny. Both unrelated but I still get obligated to go. Why? That will be another story untold. Wait until you know me better to know the story of my full-o-dirty secret life.

That’s actually not what I want to write anyway but I would say that I got out of topic again like usually is. As I went to the funeral houses, there must be someone who will willingly volunteer (not that I like to use that word but it seems like it anyway) to join the dead. The phrases “Let me go with him/her” or “I don’t want to life anymore because there’s no him/her” is commonly used and heard. Not that I care if they die anyway, but they hurt the people around them that still living and love them.

I feel like they don’t give any regard of their parent, spouse, and children at all by doing that. Yes, I’ve heard the same thing too, years ago. Not only once, but twice. Who? Of course it’s my mom. Why? Well… Let’s say I lose two of my dad in a very close time. Sucks, isn’t it? Yeah well… That made me think that I’m not loved enough and really easy to abandon. Sad, isn’t it? So I wish none of you will even do that to your beloved ones. Please do consider it.

Love,

Shin

I’d like to make a revelation after all. I’m counting my days now since I’m diagnosed with some stupid incurable illness so I don’t even think of having a family of my own. I even try my best to deteriorate my own condition so it will get worse. My mom is also diagnosed with the same thing so yeah, we most probably die soon. I hope for those of you who actually read this part, won’t be sad. Angry perhaps because I choose to give up on life, but it’ll be my consequences to take. I’m broken enough to love and give love and I don’t think I can ever be whole again. It will be something I regret, but I will try my best to live life in my days now.

Early ramble for this month

Today I started my day feeling a bit pissed off. Fell asleep at around 2 am and work up around 4 am, which is just a very rare thing indeed for me. I tried to put myself back to sleep but I know I ain’t sleeping at all, until the time for my mum to go out around 6. Grouchy, not feeling well since the day before, I decided to start my day earlier anyway. Got lots of things to do, and I’m just afraid that the entire plan would be ruined or at least not going so well if I don’t do my part right somehow.

So I just set off around 8am, and in the middle of my outing, my friend contacted me with her usual complain about bus service in our beloved city and so on and so on. I actually told her that I am not feeling that well and such, but it seems she just don’t understand or ignoring me. Which makes me kinda snapped in the end. Told her that I have friends, but somehow I feel like I actually don’t. And she just asked me why…

And I don’t want to answer such. I kinda despise the way she just ignore people, and focusing on herself. Which make me think, what is my value in other people’s eyes anyway? Am I just their emotional trash can whatsoever? Or are they actually think of me as one of their equal? People always say that I’m a mature person and so on, but I do have my time when I just want some attention too. 

It somehow makes me wonder if there is anyone out there that can actually takes me for my grouchiness. A person that can understand and care about my special need. Perhaps we will still fight each other, insecure about each other, but then we can be open with each other about our deepest, darkest self without being afraid of the other rejection.

I understand that a friend’s capacity is only to some extent, but somehow I also wish that they can pass that limitation too (which is kinda impossible I guess). Should I retract myself back again to my solitary castle like years before? But I’m afraid of my other self that might come out to accompany the ‘me’. Those dark moment I already passed and utilize to my own benefit of knowing others negative feelings. No… I don’t understand the cheeriness others may possess and sometimes I envy them for feeling that way too. But I do understand their negativities well because I’ve been living my early adult life in it and believe me that I get enough share of it to know how to life a living hell.

Enough of negativity today. I need to rest up and hope that tomorrow the feeling will dissipate somehow, though I doubt so. But I do hope this will pass soon. As always.

Ciao for now.