Early ramble for this month

Today I started my day feeling a bit pissed off. Fell asleep at around 2 am and work up around 4 am, which is just a very rare thing indeed for me. I tried to put myself back to sleep but I know I ain’t sleeping at all, until the time for my mum to go out around 6. Grouchy, not feeling well since the day before, I decided to start my day earlier anyway. Got lots of things to do, and I’m just afraid that the entire plan would be ruined or at least not going so well if I don’t do my part right somehow.

So I just set off around 8am, and in the middle of my outing, my friend contacted me with her usual complain about bus service in our beloved city and so on and so on. I actually told her that I am not feeling that well and such, but it seems she just don’t understand or ignoring me. Which makes me kinda snapped in the end. Told her that I have friends, but somehow I feel like I actually don’t. And she just asked me why…

And I don’t want to answer such. I kinda despise the way she just ignore people, and focusing on herself. Which make me think, what is my value in other people’s eyes anyway? Am I just their emotional trash can whatsoever? Or are they actually think of me as one of their equal? People always say that I’m a mature person and so on, but I do have my time when I just want some attention too. 

It somehow makes me wonder if there is anyone out there that can actually takes me for my grouchiness. A person that can understand and care about my special need. Perhaps we will still fight each other, insecure about each other, but then we can be open with each other about our deepest, darkest self without being afraid of the other rejection.

I understand that a friend’s capacity is only to some extent, but somehow I also wish that they can pass that limitation too (which is kinda impossible I guess). Should I retract myself back again to my solitary castle like years before? But I’m afraid of my other self that might come out to accompany the ‘me’. Those dark moment I already passed and utilize to my own benefit of knowing others negative feelings. No… I don’t understand the cheeriness others may possess and sometimes I envy them for feeling that way too. But I do understand their negativities well because I’ve been living my early adult life in it and believe me that I get enough share of it to know how to life a living hell.

Enough of negativity today. I need to rest up and hope that tomorrow the feeling will dissipate somehow, though I doubt so. But I do hope this will pass soon. As always.

Ciao for now.