Let's say I meet someone that I fancy for now. And I'd say I quite like him for now. Would I dare to say "I love him" in the end? What love is actually?
And I question myself back now. Have I even been in REAL love? Or is the heartache I feel is just a figment of my imagination?
No! For so long I've denied the fact. That I'm just... I'm just fall in love with the idea of being in love with someone. And when I said it out loud last night, the feeling of being a broken hearted person for so long is GONE!!! It is just that simple! I'm breaking free from the pain, the heartache, the trouble, and all. And I really do hope it will be lasting.
For now, I'll just really laying back, looking around at the world that revolves underneath my feet and the people that touch my life and thinking: 'this is me now.. what about tomorrow? Will I have someone by my side to look at the life like now?' But I really don't have any worries about it. I don't really want to think about it.
Now all I want to do is to learn to feel. Feel as in feeling the air breeze upon my skin, the rain drop upon my skin, the heat from the sun (though I hate it so much if it's too hot), the smooth skin of baby holding on your hands with its own power (which I adore so much from them), the thumping on my heart each day that I can feel everytime I wake up in the morning or napping to know that I'm still alive.
And funnily, I feel it thumping even harder when I see him online, and my heart goes kaboom when there's a chat window says "hallo" to me every morning. And since I feel that way, I want to know him more... but keep a distance myself to let myself know whether this is real or just another imagination of mine.
A fatamorgana is even feel beautiful when you're totally expecting it. And I fell too deep before, that it really took me time to find myself a way out. So before I fell again to another dimension, I'd better stand back and see it clearly before stepping into it. And if I'm about to get lost, I'll get lost in the paradise and not another fatamorgana.
Reaching a peace on my own mind makes me realize another thing about being in love with another person. It doesn't require you to change nor change the person you love to be like what you wanted. Instead they will compromised each other and find their own pace in their lifetime. And perhaps each other will change for their own good. But in the whole picture, they don't want to dominate each other, but to walk together during every single aspect in their life.
Why I speak like this? I don't really sure. This comes to me when I accepted the truth about myself and admit the wrongs I'd done in the past. And forgetting other's mistake, though it's really hard. But I manage it in my own pace. And reaching a peace in my heart with myself is a GREAT gift I've receive from me. Not with anyone else, but only from GOD that HE gave me the strengh. Because HE definitely knows my troubles and wrongs, and HE corrected me in HIS own way.
So for now, I'll just look at the world in it's own big picture and will be focusing on each and every detail later on.
Ci ye, keren tulis si Nona ini.
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