I’m confused. My feeling always contradicting with my brain and my heart that I become puzzled. I don’t even know what my heart is saying. Or is it my brain thinking? Or what? I don’t really know. This is me trying to sort out the knot in my head/brain/heart/else.
It’s nice to know that I hold some value to other person, that they like me. But instantly? I don’t know. What value does they see in me? Mostly is because of outer appearance. I realize that there are many that find me beautiful, and most of them would say I got great body. Not that I need reminder about it too. In fact the most thing I hate about me is perhaps my body. It sorta give me such…. Embarrassment, especially living in a place like “kampung” where people really look up to you if you’re different than them.
I know that if I live elsewhere, not in the current country, I won’t think too much about my body at all because there will be more like me out there. But here? I’m just outstanding, whether I like it or not. It’s like the life’s saying, “You’re stuck. Now live with it”. I know that, but what can I do? I just don’t really like to be a center of attention, and I never try too much to be one. It’s just unconsciously I stand out. That’s all.
As for man/boy problem, I feel that their feeling is questionable. Why? I think I’m a bit skeptical with their motives. In this day and era, the motive of “getting between your legs” is too common and too easy to see that I never can see them at face value. I’ve met too many people that want me just to lay down and do the nasty with me that I don’t want to be involved with anyone with the gender of “Male” in their ID card. But it seems my bitterness doesn’t really show up or… do male think that it’s an adventure to get me down?
Which make me think of something really absurd. Why don’t I get married to ‘repel’ those pests? But that requires me to… get in touch again with the world and its nastiness. Gosh. This doesn’t really help, does it? I do want to get married and have a family of my own. And I want one that really can make me happy, vice versa. But when I think of the possibilities of me getting one like that, I get this negative feeling that it’s going to be impossible to have such things, not while a stronger male (as in spiritually, education, IQ, EQ, you name it) seems to always take interest with weaker version of female. While I’m just like an Prima species of female, it will be hard. Not that there’s none interested in me, but more like the Beta or Gamma male will flock around. Well,,, Alpha deserves a Prima and vice versa, right?
I know I have a discomfort with myself. I know I should not be. That’s not a Prima do. But… Should I go out more? While having this and that on my brain to think about what makes me comfortable or not? It will be a dangerous journey indeed. And I still don’t know what should I choose now. Up until now. I just want to see the course of the flow. Then maybe I can decide.
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