Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2013 Resolution



How does first love feel? I already forgot mine. I guess because I never properly loved someone before. Or it ended before I even realized it? I don’t know. My memory is hazy. I remembered liking someone older than me on my 3rd grade, but should I call it a first love? It didn’t even turns out for long since that person I fancied died at young age because of an accident and I didn’t even have any chance to say goodbye properly to that person. Thus begin my hate for funeral and cemetery and anything related to it, I guess.

But how could I say it a first love? Perhaps a crush that I realized too late would be precise. I realized that feeling when my friends are talking about their crush in my middle school year, around 7th or 8th grade. Yes. I guess I can be called a late bloomer. I don’t really blend well with people due to my background as an only child, but that’s an excuse too. I really don’t like to blend, but I have too because it is a necessary things to do as a human being. You can never live alone, except you can get anything by yourself, then go live in the hut and hunt, make your own clothes, et cetera. So… I’m basically stuck with my terrible attempt of relationship, no matter what kind.

Well, a lot of movie, books, people’ stories gave me an assumption of how a first love would always leave an impact in someone’s memory, and how deep of impression it left within one. And how thin is the probability of the first love being the last, and for forever. Basically, I think it is because most people had their first love in their early years of life, thus they don’t really appreciate what they have. And mostly, what they think as first love is… purely based on the look. After all, we love beautiful things, don’t we?

For me, who is in my late 20th state, I seem to fail my memory of first love. Why? Not because I haven’t got in any relationship, mind you. My friends are mostly male in gender, and I’ve known almost every nook and crooks of male’s body from every single aspect known to human being (please imagine it yourself of what I might mean). There is no way I never been in relationship. But I wouldn’t say my first one is my first love. Well, it sure is memorable, but I’m not really heart broken or wanting to remember the detail of our relationship and so on. While people would be able to picture the detail of their first love, how amazing he/she was, and how they try to visualize them in their perspective year, I can’t. Weird, isn’t it?

I really want to know the feeling of not being able to forget your first love, but I just… I can only create it. Not truly feel it. And somehow, that thought makes me sad. I can only imagine it, while people can relive it. Is it because I don’t really normal like other people, or is it because I don’t really care? I can’t seem to bring myself to think about it. For as long as I remember, I was saying that my first love is…. A being that is unseen. A belief. And that is why I can’t grasp the memory of it. Hahaha… sad, isn’t it?

Well, I will try to write things about first love in this year, and I really hope I could cope with it. The jealousy, sadness, warm feeling, hope, despair, and everything that lead up to the memory of it, not forgetting the lesson of it. I really do hope I could pull it through since I can do my last year’s resolution of being able to write a minimum of 2 posts each month. Well… I missed 1 month, but I covered it up in my other blog in that month, so I guess it’s done that way… Wish me luck in this year too then ^^v

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