Hurt, Lies, Drama

I didn’t want to hurt you

Never in my mind I want to

But I hurt you every time

Incidentally or not

With my words,

With my action,

With every thing I had

What a worthless jerk I am

For not being able to keep

My promise to you

It’s just a reason I made up

When I said that

You didn’t try to listen

Just a big fat lie

As I feel guilty

For not telling you

And trying to protect myself

At the same time

All’s my fault

All’s my scheme

That I put out to have

Your sympathy

Which I don’t deserve

Since the first day

You claimed you’re

My best friend

A little truth

I give to you

A lot of lies

I told you

That’s what I know

As you care

As you think

As you accept me

As who I am

All’s because I’m scared

All’s because I’m a coward

For not opening myself

To you, or anyone else

As I’m to afraid to be hurt again

As I’m to caught up in my own drama

The more you open yourself

The more I’m afraid to open myself

As I know I’m nobody

As I know I’m just a beggar

A beggar of love

A beggar of attention

A big fat liar I become….

I’m sorry….

~~~

This is actually written back in May 2007. Decided to post it here after so long because I haven't been able to write anything during this year as my resolution. I will try to find time to do it later. Hufftthh...

Forbidden You

Alone I am
Forgotten pain
Lingering sensations
As I remember

Erratic thoughts
Wondering why
Imagining if
As I dream

Could this be it?
Could you be the one?
Why even as I ponder
The doubts still lurking

One touch will never be enough
Let alone the next and another
For I am greedy
Hungry for more

Or are you an addiction?
A forbidden fruit
So enchanting
It drew me in

I dare myself
To reach out for you
A thing I never did
Let my curiosity kills

Will I be dead?
Will I be alive?
Heart pounding hard
I took a taste

What could be the consequences
Of the defiance I've done
Remember, I will always be
Of the sweetness of you

Am I dead
Am I alive
The allure of you
Still draws me in

The deed is done
Now is just the waiting
Will this be just a dream-like reality
Or a reality-like dream

Still Heart

I thought my heart had died

Along with my own parting words

Unable to feel anymore

A void that is expected

Been a short time, it seems

Yet it long enough

Time is playing with me

Memory simply fading

I thought my heart had lost

Along with the misery it brought

Darkness so dark it’s blinding

And the way unseen

Lost in the wave of confusion

Don’t wanna fight it anymore

Hiding behind the time

Truth exposed once again

Reality tossed my heart once again

To my embrace it came back

Fragile yet willful

Breathing into life once again

No, it never dies

It simply on pause

It waits for a moment

It waits for a chance

A simple touch

A gentle hand

A time to spend

Or else to show

Once again, this heart of mine is beating

Once again, it gets shaken

A stranger, he is not

But I am grateful for him

A lover, he might not

Time has not give the answer

All I want to is to enjoy

The time that is given to me

A friend, he will always be

For he is the one who is dear

Losing him I cannot bear

For he is the one who find me

A fortune I cannot give

A song I cannot sing

All I can do is just this

Putting my heart all in here

Dear You

Dear you,

I always wish you to stop when a wonderful moment come to me

I always wish for you to run faster when something bad happen

Not knowing the future is scary

That’s why I always hesitate to look at you

Wanting to cherish

That’s why I always eager to turn you back

But no matter what,

You always go steady

Leaving me dumbfounded in my own daze

Or making me run with my might

Nothing can shake you or change you

No matter how hard I try to change you

You always the one who change me

Without failing

It is easier to think that whenever went wrong

To use you as a weapon

I always wanted that you will stay with me

But now I feel it more

More than a year,

A month, or a week ago

More than the day before yesterday or yesterday,

I learned something

That tomorrow will always come

And today will always be gone

All I have is right now

The you who I hold hand with

I love more and more

Everything will be fine

So, dear you

You can keep running if you want

Copyright 2013 - AASK -

Glittering Sun

Cold breeze
Dew drops
Clear sky
Sparkling world

I see pastel
I see brightness
I see colors
And everything nice

No more sadness
No more tears
Leave the worries
Let the happiness filled in

There's rainbow after the storm
There's hope after despair
Let us cheer up
Like the glittering sun.


-AASK 2012-

Another Post, Another Thought

Well, here I am, writing just out of boredom and I remember that I haven't wrote a single post in this blog this month.. So.. I just don't know what to write today, so I guess I'll just post down a trailer froma movie that I REALLY want to watch this month, "Perahu Kertas"


Dear Neptunus

Aku mencintainya.
Di depannya aku menjadi diriku sendiri
Seperti airmu yang selalu membawa semua pesanku.
Dia pun begitu.

Membuatku hanyut
Oleh sorot matanya
Membuatku lupa oleh kesederhanaan suaranya
Sampai aku tidak bisa katakan apa-apa padanya
Bahkan untuk sekedar bilang "Rindu"...
Atau "Butuh"

Banyak yang ga ngerti
Lalu terluka
Dan saling menyalahkan

Karena itu aku takut bicara tentang hati
Maka kutuliskan saja
Lalu kusimpan
Dan mungkin kukirimkan ke...
Entah kemana.

-taken from Perahu Kertas teaser-

Slipped Sand

I just want to thank you
Thank you for reminding me of what I am
Thank you for introducing me to the feeling of love again
Thank you for igniting the fire within me again
And the fire that I thought I lost

I realize that I can't be the one for you
I realize that I can't be the last for you too
But I never regret any single time we spend together
And the memories of those days spent

I learned that I'm too childish
I learned that I'n not as mature as I wanted to be
But I took the lesson and memorized it
And it will be for a better me

You are a sand that just escaped through my fingers
Just because I hold it too tight
Instead of just let it slide
To follow the wind

Yet somehow I know
You're not mine
And I'm not yours
Our journey hasn't end

I will hold this experience deep in my heart
So when the time come for both of us
We can say to each other
"We've did this and we passed it brilliantly"

Please be true to me
As I be true to you
I will always care for you
My dearest friend.

Drift Apart

So plans don’t go the way we like them to,
'Cause now I’m sick of all the things you do.
While every word you say now leaves a bruise,
We break apart as you now light the fuse

I want to say it’s all your fault again,
To lay my weight on you and watch you bend,
But blaming you will only leave me tears,
And plus I need you now to ride these years,

So we’re walking now with arms apart,
About to drift away with puzzled hearts.
I’m losing you, and soon you’ll disappear.
I see it all unwinding now, right here.

Don’t make me cry, if you decide to leave,
To realize we weren’t meant to be.
Don’t make me wish I had still stayed behind,
To gain a friend but to then lose my mind.

Tangled in strings

Wake up in the morning feeling like I wanna fly high
But something tied me down every time I tried to
Looking down and saw strings attached to my feet
Knowing that my part hasn't been done
The world still have a need of me
But what use am I if I don't even know what to do
Waited patiently till the strings gone by itself I did
The more I wait, more strings attached
And I am tangled in the end
Wondered if I cut them all and fly away
Sinner I will become for I have known
That the strings are what made me this
To remind me that I live in this world
Soon,  there will be time when I can fly as much as I wanted
And never look down anymore
Higher and higher, lost in desire
For now, I'll sort out this tangled strings
And slowly release it from me
Till there's no more that hold me down
And I will soar away.

Hope, Faith and other wish

Don’t work to please others, they will eventually find someone better and left you bitter.
Never put your faith to one person, they most probably don’t care as they, too, do the same as you.
All I want is just simple things. To live joyfully, love freely, to care and be cared for unconditionally.
It seems that the current world is not as simple as I want it to be.
Understanding others is essential as breathing now.
But it seems that few grab the concept.
And the air is getting thinner by day.
Hope the few won’t get choked.
And down in number again.
And lesser it get
Who will be left?
Still hope.

A Love Poem

This feeling I can't deny.
I just have to surrender in it
And let it takes me to another dimension
You and I will see...
Where this journey will end
Hope it will it be a Neverland
Not a wasteland
So I will tell you this
Enjoy the ride
No regret
For this will be a wonderful memories of us.
I love you

~Created specially in this special day that comes once every 4 years ~
Just for you, my unexpected kismet.

More than Anything

Another song that I create (with the notation from BO. de Lima)

Verse I:

More brighter than the sun

More wider than the ocean

More than men ever seen

Your mercy is all that we need

Reff:

Jesus,

Your mercy and grace and your love

Oh Jesus

Now we humble ourselves in Your presence

Oh Jesus

We worship you

Verse II:

More higher than the sky

More than anything in our life

We was blind but now we see

Your love is all that we need.

Back to Reff:

Bridge:

Through the valley of darkness You guide my way

And I fly up with You through the raging storm

You shelter me with Your wings O lord my God

I worship You for everything

You’ve done in my life

Light in the Darkness (a song by me and B.O de LIMA)

There was time when I lose my way
I give up hope, get lost in the dark
The coldness in my heart makes me blind from any dreams
Did not know about one love that's waiting for me

The one that I call my Love
Was calling my name and soothe all my pain
He taught me forgiveness and to love my enemies
Should I know that it will make me soar and set me free

Refrain:
You light the way in my darkest day
and no matter where I'll be
I know that You'll be there for me

And now, even when I lose my way
I know that You'll wait for me
to come back again to Your way.

I dream of being in Your arms

Feeling the Love You’ve gave me so far.

My lover, my friend, savior that is who You are

Calling me to guide me throughout all my darkest day 

Bridge:

Ev'ry day each moment
Whenever I looked back to the time
You will always be my guide
And light my way in the dark
Guide me and strengthen me
Even when I did not know...


Copyright @ A. Shinta, March 13, 2011

My Faith...

Long before you came, I knew....
Somehow life would be so perfect...
Long before you spoke my name...
I believe, I would be in your life...

I love you more than words can say....
I love you there's no other way...
I believe when I see your eyes....
I found the seat of my soul....

I'll wait for the perfect moment....
I know, our time will arrive...
When your hand found a place in mine...
And it'll lingers on forever....

For the first time in my life...
I am someone great...
For the first time when i come home....
I have found my faith...

I believe when we shared the laughter...
That I am blessed, I am truly blessed....
For the first time in my life....
I found simplicity in love.....

For the first time in my life...
I am so lucky to know someone so great....
I love you more than words can say....
And I believe love will find a way...

Copyright @ Eva Clara Harahap Feb 2011

With So Much Love and Respect,

Eva Clara Harahap

PS. To someone I adore. I am in love with all that you are!

PPS. I took this from my ex-lecturer. Found it great and loving it!

The light of my life

I'm thankful to God
that He's given me the chance
to feel again
and be alive in this feeling

I thought I was lost
in despair and darkness
cold and alone I was
I don't know where to go

Then a light came
I once ignoring it
I don't want to feel
Down and broken again

But the light remains
The warmth spreads
warming my body and soul
and I can feel again

I'm thankful to God
to let this light remains
and burn me with the fire
to become one with it

It's a blessing indeed
to feel alive again
all because of the chance
that He's given me

You are my light
though you may not know,
but you've free me
from the coldness I felt

No word can be express
Much to what you are meant
Only one I can say
'Thank you, I love you'

Copyright @ A. Shinta, February 2011

Cocoon me with your love

The sound of your voice sends shivers to me
Enveloping me with your love
Makes the bad go away
and soothe my pain

All I need is one look at you
and everything gonna be fine
No matter what may come tomorrow,
Today my life is more complete

Once I was lonely
Envy all the couple I see
But now I have you
I won't be lonely no more

You said to me with a gentle voice
You'll be there when I'm sad
You'll be my one and only
And you'll be my strength and all

A future we'll make
Together we stand
Nothing can stand between us
But God will...

Let Him bless us
So all can see His love upon us
And we can be the light among the darkness
That we are the children of God

My father once held me dear in his arms
But my heavenly father cocoon me with His love
and now I have you
To surround me with your love

Thank you dear
For being near
To hold me dear
with my heavenly Father

~untitled yet~

Feeling restless this evening
Just because I didn't see
You, who makes my day seem to burst with colour
The day you come to my life

I don't feel like myself anymore
everytime I remember about you
I just want to write
and tell you this feeling inside

I'm just too caught up in myself
To say the words you're dying to hear
My lips don't want to say it
But my heart urge me to.

My spirit seems gone astray
Or is it because my heart knows
Or I myself desire
I can't distinguish it

Heart and desire are numbing my senses
I'm feeling restless just thinking about it
I need some solitude that is rare to attain
Since I know you

My world begin to spin
Around and bring me
To another world
Different than this one

Destined one

Unconsciously my eyes scan the crowd
Looking for the one that somehow
Moved my heart, makes it tremble
Fear I am, for my fragile heart.

Will all the endearment you call me with
All gone with the time
Or will it last
forever or as long as time allows you to?

Will I have the courage to face it?
To face your honest eyes
that look at me with compassion
Love I am, for you who I know of

Will everything be alright
Will the time wash everything away
or will it make it stronger
Like what I've ever wished for

Is this the one?
Are you the one?
Am I the one?
Destiny nor time will tell

Love is just.. Love

Love is an illusion created by the desire of man to have someone by their side on their death bed.
Love is such an abstract feeling that is hard to describe, even by all the writers in all centuries.
Love is undescribably through a simple words, yet a whole book also can't truly describe it.
Love, it's complexity passed through generations, still a code that is unsolved even by the genius all over the world.
Love, a figment of feeling in our heart that actually dominate our whole life.
Love is... a word full of meaning yet no one can actually describe it in a better wording.
Love is just... Love... No other speculation can be said about it. No argumentation too.
Love is just... Love

An Outsider

I feel like been pushed away slowly
Though they try to know about me
I cannot feel their sincerity at all
Selfishly I wanted their attention
But I cannot bring myself to ask for it
Nor I cannot bring myself to adjust with it.
With who I am right now,
I just can only envy
With who I am now,
I just can stand afar
Looking at them with jealousy
They just can't accept me for who I am
If they're going to be like this
Why they bother to befriend with me
Why they bother to spend time with me
Is that because I'm such a convenience
Or is that they pity me if I'm left alone
I just don't know
And I don't care to know about it
It's better to be alone
No one can hurt you
No one can affect your judgment
No one...
Not a single person can
So, here I am
Back to square one
Back to my sacred place
That no one can touch
No one can enter
After all, I'm truly just...
An outsider....