Beauty in Death

I was taking a morning walk today.

By an impulse, I took a different path than the usual way

And was greeted by a masmerizing view.

The sky looked different

The view were suprisingly neat, 

but in the middle of it

I was greeted by Death.

A lonely dead tree was standing in the corner of the road

Accompanied by vast empty field of grasses

Separated from its peers

That were bursting with vitality.

Yet I found it beautiful.

And the sentence came to me

"There's beauty in death"

Maybe it sounded weird

How come someone perceive beauty in something supposedly devastating?

How does Death become something positive?

Yet there are certain thing in life that is  sure.

Death.

Death, doesn't always mean life has gone

Death, can be the trigger for something to start

Death, can be the end of one, and the beginning for the other

And there are so many things that Death can bring.

It just need you to uncover the meaning of Death.

Be it work, love, life, family, and other

There always beauty in Death

Sometimes you are too absorbed in grieve

that you can't appreciate it's beauty

Until you realize it 

or not.

Covid-19: My One Year Reflection

 Many people were devastated. Many were saying that they were not ready when the pandemic hits them closer to their life. But who were ever ready with bad things that comes to your life?

During first 3 months, numerous business closes their doors. Unto the 6 months, many were laid off. Come to 9 months, even the big were struggling. But on the other side, people were forced to evolve. And those evolution impact to business.

Now on the 12 months, many small start up were struggling to make their name known, their business run, and letting other people to see the hope again. Desperation might be one of the keys for people to change their mindset about working and what are their aiming for.

For others, 12 months might be enough desperation to let them fight for their future. Yet there are still plenty that are still lost, wandering about their purpose and what do their dream about. Perhaps they can only dream, or even dream is a luxury thing for them.

Provided with many excuses, people tend to forget about why other can be successful and they can only look and feeling jealousy. They forgot that the successful people might have their own thorny road that they need to clear up so other can see the beauty behind those thorn.

Myself were still thinking of what the whole year were meant to me. Switching from the full office work to a hybrid of home-office or full work from anywhere was one of my dream came true. But do I work for the dream job I was wanting? Not really, but I try to do things within my capability to make it happen.

How long will it take for me to reach that? I do not know the answer to it because up until now I am still trying to find the answer, and there is no correct answer for the dream I’m dreaming of. That is because evolution is something that time has the answer of, and it also involves many other factors that is unpredictable.

It still saddens me when I go to the office and see all those empty chairs, wondering what it like was before this. All the buzz and interactions, no matter how small was suddenly seem important. Meeting over the phone can never beat the luxury of seeing the other party reactions upon your speech. And that what you are saying, matters.

As an ambivert, I love my solitude as well the mingle time. The hybrid workstyle works very well for me as it can satisfy my basic need of interaction. But does this work for everyone else? Definitely no. All the extroverts were forced to stay at home, and the way they can reach out was through the social media. But what they need is human touch, and the energy they share. Whereas the homebody might enjoy it at first yet facing the never-ending meeting can also made them wanted to turn off everything and go under the bunker even more than before.

Right now, there were vaccines going on for the immunity, but that does not cross out the virus from the world. It just gives somewhat the assurance for the people that the situation is slowly under control and they can resume to the normal life. But what is the normal now?

I would like to see what the next 3-6-9-12 months from now, what will the world be. A new world. A new beginning. A different kind of hope.

February 20, 2021

Moi 

It's Rainy March

March 2015.

Looking back at the last time I actually write something in this blog, i am ashamed of myself.
I haven't even finished my last year resolution lest writing a new one. A pointless thing you might say actually. lol.

Well, nothing much happened in my life except that i am closer to leaving my 20-hood. and for once after my 1st job... i actually stay for one year and counting in my current workplace. Encountering some problem? for sure there is also one or two people hate my guts out of nowhere, but i cant help to stop my awesomeness because of that, no?

And yea... this year my life-long best friend will be going to have her Master degree in somewhere up north (and i mean it's literally up there after Scandinavia and beyond) and so I guess i will be missing her a LOT. Not that we actually meet each other that often bu still... she;s been my life-long mate for more than 20 years now. wow.. even i;m amazed.

Work so far is getting boring with each month repeating themselves, but I think i can manage quite well. But sometimes, just sometimes, I get envious of one of my friend that got accepted to one place I recommended her to. It was originally offered to me, but too bad I was already accepted the work in my current place... so yea.. life can be sucks.. No. lemme correct that. Life is always sucks but I am cruising with my fabulousness.

And yea,. you might see that I am getting over my head lately lols... but why should i care about what you guys thinking about me? After all, I;m the one who living my life, so I deserve to enjoy it.

Next will be a trip to Ho Chi Minh on May 2015. And I actually already regretting buying the ticket because after I realise it,,.,, it was such a slim-tight-schedule. Phew. I hope I can manage to have tons of fun while im there tho...

Then after that would be a trip to Thailand with the company... which will be... hmm.. quite bothersome i guess, But seeing I havent even go there, I think why not.

So.. Tahts some update from me. Hope I can do this in monthly basis or even more. *fingercrosses*

A Quick Recap for mid-2014

Alright... Where am I again?
Oh, right. This year's resolution of writing each month to enhance my writing skill? My goodness i haven't been able to even write any decent thing except some morning reviews on BBM, twitter and Facebook (which are basically linked to each other)
Well, I got a new job (again) on the February as an Office Manager. Sounds cool,  eh? Its basically covering up as GA, HRD and Finance. Lol.
Envy me now? Work's been hectic, but life's also has its own circumstances.
I picked up a "stray" and somehow get into a mess within months because of that. Some emotional turmoil as well as financial and socially. What a messed up "stray" indeed.
I think i will write another section for the "stray" when i feel like it.
I think that's all for now.

Later

Hurt, Lies, Drama

I didn’t want to hurt you

Never in my mind I want to

But I hurt you every time

Incidentally or not

With my words,

With my action,

With every thing I had

What a worthless jerk I am

For not being able to keep

My promise to you

It’s just a reason I made up

When I said that

You didn’t try to listen

Just a big fat lie

As I feel guilty

For not telling you

And trying to protect myself

At the same time

All’s my fault

All’s my scheme

That I put out to have

Your sympathy

Which I don’t deserve

Since the first day

You claimed you’re

My best friend

A little truth

I give to you

A lot of lies

I told you

That’s what I know

As you care

As you think

As you accept me

As who I am

All’s because I’m scared

All’s because I’m a coward

For not opening myself

To you, or anyone else

As I’m to afraid to be hurt again

As I’m to caught up in my own drama

The more you open yourself

The more I’m afraid to open myself

As I know I’m nobody

As I know I’m just a beggar

A beggar of love

A beggar of attention

A big fat liar I become….

I’m sorry….

~~~

This is actually written back in May 2007. Decided to post it here after so long because I haven't been able to write anything during this year as my resolution. I will try to find time to do it later. Hufftthh...

June 2013 Recap

Alright, I am curious about what might make my body system down this month and eventually… The full outdoor schedule is what makes it.

2^nd June 2013: 11thlon with Aquarius Coca Cola

The running event makes me exhausted, prior to the day before’s activity that kinda drain me with the heat. And yes, down with cold for a week since I HATE medication of any sort.

11^th June 2013 : Testing the job

This is a long story so I’d rather skip it. After being sick, I gotta do this job and I’m telling you, it was totally not easy coz I have to be ready since early in the morning and finished kinda late.

16^th June 2013 :  Final Meeting

…. Or should I say a chance to meet people I rarely meet this year for once? And yes, the place is hot, and etc etc.

17^th – 21^st June 2013 : Singapore Trip

Yes, you hear me right. I’m off to Singapore. And the whole album of that trip is in my FB page. Too lazy to do a trip review now. Perhaps some other time when I’m high enough to do it.

22^nd June 2013 :  5^th Anniversary of a canteen I know of

And no need to guess, the event and the heat was totally hit the tolerance level. I heard that the temperature that day reached 39 C. No wonder! Add it with the fatigue, it’s a wonder I’m not down yet after that.

26^th June 2013 : Meet with long-time-no-see friend

Yes, I’m totally a social person. And when I meet with friends, it’s a guarantee that I won’t be home early. But that’s okay since I was staying and resting up for the past few days. Or so I thought.

30^th June 2013 : Charity Event

Should I say that? I guess not. Again, the heat and the activities I have to do on that particular day was… excessive. Add it with several of my good friends there is carrying some bad virus and my mom was having a coughing fit for several days… And I’m totally having a fever now. Hope I won't get down for the second time this year.

Ciao

Dissecting myself in early June 2013

June…

What should I write about for this month? I have no idea at all. Just trying to fulfill my promise to myself to write at least twice a month. Well, I’ll just divide things in section then.

Work

None whatsoever. It’s been 3 months since I last walked out from my last office. Plenty of rest, but then when I try my best to cheer myself up to find a job again, somehow I feel reluctant. Darn it, I guess I had my fill with the office work. But what should I do then? I got no specialty that I can boast about, except my outgoing nature (that is useless since I cannot sell anything either). Oh well, I guess I got another month to ponder upon what to do. Dang!

Relationship

None. People keep saying that you are incomplete without someone by your side as your spouse. Well, I don’t need any, but someone who can eventually give me a black Amex card for me to spend, and do travelling whenever I want.

Money

Well, with no job whatsoever, it is expected to have my balance in the red zone by now. Worry? Yes. On fire? Not at all. I guess I’m in the state of drifting? Knowing not of what might lie ahead of me.

Love

Void. I don’t even want to care about that word as I type it. Wonder why people keep on going with that one particular topic. I guess there’s something wrong with me after all.

Well, since this month is only begins, I guess there’s something bound to happen that can change either one or all of those aspects.

Keep my fingers cross

Ending of Life (May 2013)

As I try to close this month with something I’ve experience as usual, I am faced by the constant reminder of how life and death embracing each other tightly. How each breath we let out might be our last, and how the simple intake of our breath may speak of a numerous miracle it contain.

I must admit how I hate going to the funeral home, not because of my father but ever since I can remember I never like that place anyway. Too much sadness, grievance and despair permeating in the air, I would say that negativity tainted the surrounding and affecting everyone regardless of a close family or even a stranger.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can go to those places but I will feel like I’m having a terminal illness and be sick afterward. This month I even exceeded my limit of the visit to funeral houses and worse of all, cemetery.  Four times of it add it with a funeral and I’m pretty sure I will stay in bed for the next few days. Who you say? It’s complicated to answer. Let’s say one is an uncle and another is a granny. Both unrelated but I still get obligated to go. Why? That will be another story untold. Wait until you know me better to know the story of my full-o-dirty secret life.

That’s actually not what I want to write anyway but I would say that I got out of topic again like usually is. As I went to the funeral houses, there must be someone who will willingly volunteer (not that I like to use that word but it seems like it anyway) to join the dead. The phrases “Let me go with him/her” or “I don’t want to life anymore because there’s no him/her” is commonly used and heard. Not that I care if they die anyway, but they hurt the people around them that still living and love them.

I feel like they don’t give any regard of their parent, spouse, and children at all by doing that. Yes, I’ve heard the same thing too, years ago. Not only once, but twice. Who? Of course it’s my mom. Why? Well… Let’s say I lose two of my dad in a very close time. Sucks, isn’t it? Yeah well… That made me think that I’m not loved enough and really easy to abandon. Sad, isn’t it? So I wish none of you will even do that to your beloved ones. Please do consider it.

Love,

Shin

I’d like to make a revelation after all. I’m counting my days now since I’m diagnosed with some stupid incurable illness so I don’t even think of having a family of my own. I even try my best to deteriorate my own condition so it will get worse. My mom is also diagnosed with the same thing so yeah, we most probably die soon. I hope for those of you who actually read this part, won’t be sad. Angry perhaps because I choose to give up on life, but it’ll be my consequences to take. I’m broken enough to love and give love and I don’t think I can ever be whole again. It will be something I regret, but I will try my best to live life in my days now.

Early ramble for this month

Today I started my day feeling a bit pissed off. Fell asleep at around 2 am and work up around 4 am, which is just a very rare thing indeed for me. I tried to put myself back to sleep but I know I ain’t sleeping at all, until the time for my mum to go out around 6. Grouchy, not feeling well since the day before, I decided to start my day earlier anyway. Got lots of things to do, and I’m just afraid that the entire plan would be ruined or at least not going so well if I don’t do my part right somehow.

So I just set off around 8am, and in the middle of my outing, my friend contacted me with her usual complain about bus service in our beloved city and so on and so on. I actually told her that I am not feeling that well and such, but it seems she just don’t understand or ignoring me. Which makes me kinda snapped in the end. Told her that I have friends, but somehow I feel like I actually don’t. And she just asked me why…

And I don’t want to answer such. I kinda despise the way she just ignore people, and focusing on herself. Which make me think, what is my value in other people’s eyes anyway? Am I just their emotional trash can whatsoever? Or are they actually think of me as one of their equal? People always say that I’m a mature person and so on, but I do have my time when I just want some attention too. 

It somehow makes me wonder if there is anyone out there that can actually takes me for my grouchiness. A person that can understand and care about my special need. Perhaps we will still fight each other, insecure about each other, but then we can be open with each other about our deepest, darkest self without being afraid of the other rejection.

I understand that a friend’s capacity is only to some extent, but somehow I also wish that they can pass that limitation too (which is kinda impossible I guess). Should I retract myself back again to my solitary castle like years before? But I’m afraid of my other self that might come out to accompany the ‘me’. Those dark moment I already passed and utilize to my own benefit of knowing others negative feelings. No… I don’t understand the cheeriness others may possess and sometimes I envy them for feeling that way too. But I do understand their negativities well because I’ve been living my early adult life in it and believe me that I get enough share of it to know how to life a living hell.

Enough of negativity today. I need to rest up and hope that tomorrow the feeling will dissipate somehow, though I doubt so. But I do hope this will pass soon. As always.

Ciao for now.

Still Heart

I thought my heart had died

Along with my own parting words

Unable to feel anymore

A void that is expected

Been a short time, it seems

Yet it long enough

Time is playing with me

Memory simply fading

I thought my heart had lost

Along with the misery it brought

Darkness so dark it’s blinding

And the way unseen

Lost in the wave of confusion

Don’t wanna fight it anymore

Hiding behind the time

Truth exposed once again

Reality tossed my heart once again

To my embrace it came back

Fragile yet willful

Breathing into life once again

No, it never dies

It simply on pause

It waits for a moment

It waits for a chance

A simple touch

A gentle hand

A time to spend

Or else to show

Once again, this heart of mine is beating

Once again, it gets shaken

A stranger, he is not

But I am grateful for him

A lover, he might not

Time has not give the answer

All I want to is to enjoy

The time that is given to me

A friend, he will always be

For he is the one who is dear

Losing him I cannot bear

For he is the one who find me

A fortune I cannot give

A song I cannot sing

All I can do is just this

Putting my heart all in here

Bible Study Time: Faith

I am not the one who really pays any attention to the words of God before. Yes, I even tried my best to waste lots of my time not to read His words and pondering about it. But in fact, the words of His never really leave me and even often giving me courage. So I am trying my best to share it to the people who might have the chance to read this. I am not a saint, I had my share of doing bad things too, but I am learning to become a better person. I am not trying to put my way of seeing things, but I also put my foot on how people in average see things. I cannot compare each and every religion because I’m not studying all of those, so I simply put what I know of, which is Christianity.

If you asked me how I choose what I believe in, I would say that it is a “faith”. I simply choose to have faith in what I believe in. What is faith?

Dictionary version would be:

faith  /fāTH/

Noun Complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. Synonyms  belief - trust - confidence - credence – credit

And yes, even in the Bible said so too:

Now FAITH is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrew 11:1)

So basically, people in this world choose their each and every god they believe in just because of the faith they have in it and not because of what they have seen. But how does one know which to believe? Which to put their faith into? And how does it become a religion? It must be because they hear something about it, and then trying to put a word about it too, to everyone that cares to hear it. It also the same thing like how one idolize someone. They know, they see, and they telltale it to everyone.

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ. (Romans 10:17)

Then, why do people choose to have faith in something that is not scientifically proven? Simply it is because they seek salvation. Because they don’t know what lies after they die. Because no one that they know of, that is close to them, came back from the death to tell the tale of what lies ahead.

Within the Bible, there’s also saying something like that.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—(Ephesians 2:8)

But then, even if one already put his faith in one thing, believing that everything will run smoothly for them, they will also found problem arises in their live. “Shit happens” is the common term. And yet you said: “But I already believe in Him!” Yes. You did. Well done. But what makes you different then? It’s what you will do with the faith you have in you.

You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder! (James 2:19)

What does it profit, my brothers, though a man say he has faith, and have not works? can faith save him? (James 2:14)

You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone. (James 2:24)

Everything in this world has its reason. Whatever problem you encounter, if you can make through it, you will be able to learn something from it. You gain wisdom, experience, and remember how to get out if you encounter the same problem again.

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. (Psalm 71:20)

Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. (James 1:3)

And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you. (1 Peter 5: 7-10)

We often doubt about what we believe in. Whether it is true?  Will it change later on to be something we don’t desire? And there are many other questions that may pop up in the time of sufferings. I assure you that God has not substance, therefore He is unseen. But why do you want to believe it? Why you want to put your faith in Him? Because He is, what you’re not.

God is not a man, that he should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill? (Numbers 23:19)

Within believe that we put our faith into, we surely expecting something to happen. Just like you idolizing someone, you hope that you can get autograph or a selca (self-camera) with the idol, or even be a friend. But how does that happen or apply in the faith sector of God? The answer is simple. It is prayer.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7)

But in prayer, there is something that is required for it to be fulfilled. The most simple, but hardest way to do it is what our topic today is. There are many verses in the Bible that are basically saying the same thing. Have faith in what you are asking.

And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.(Matthew 21:22)

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24)

And this is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. (1 John 5:14)

He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you. (Luke 17:6)

So, in the end, what we believe in, everything that we wanted to be happening in our life, all of those are based on one simple thing. Our own understanding about faith and what we do in its place.

May all of you have a blessed day ahead :)

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Timothy 4:7)

Movie Review: As One

Just finished watching a Korean movie called “As One” and I totally didn’t expect it to be good. Truthfully saying, I’m not the one that enjoys watching sport-theme drama, but the main actress is a good one so I ended up downloading it. The story itself is about table tennis tournament, based on the real event on 1991.

Korea was originally divided into 2 nations, North and South since years ago. And they have been losing the gold medal to China. Being a rival in every single aspect in their life, one day they decided to join force and go as one nation, Korea. The uptight nature of North and the easy-going one of South is not easy to overcome. They fought each other with their own characters, but what unite them is only one. Their love for sport.

During the championship in Chiba, Japan, they bond their friendship, even there is love blossomed. They became solid in each and every growing day. I don’t want to spoil the whole story, so I’ll just recommend it.

Have fun.