How does first love feel? I already forgot mine. I guess
because I never properly loved someone before. Or it ended before I even
realized it? I don’t know. My memory is hazy. I remembered liking someone older
than me on my 3rd grade, but should I call it a first love? It
didn’t even turns out for long since that person I fancied died at young age
because of an accident and I didn’t even have any chance to say goodbye
properly to that person. Thus begin my hate for funeral and cemetery and
anything related to it, I guess.
But how could I say it a first love? Perhaps a crush that I
realized too late would be precise. I realized that feeling when my friends are
talking about their crush in my middle school year, around 7th or 8th
grade. Yes. I guess I can be called a late bloomer. I don’t really blend well
with people due to my background as an only child, but that’s an excuse too. I
really don’t like to blend, but I have too because it is a necessary things to
do as a human being. You can never live alone, except you can get anything by
yourself, then go live in the hut and hunt, make your own clothes, et cetera. So…
I’m basically stuck with my terrible attempt of relationship, no matter what
kind.
Well, a lot of movie, books, people’ stories gave me an
assumption of how a first love would always leave an impact in someone’s
memory, and how deep of impression it left within one. And how thin is the
probability of the first love being the last, and for forever. Basically, I
think it is because most people had their first love in their early years of
life, thus they don’t really appreciate what they have. And mostly, what they
think as first love is… purely based on the look. After all, we love beautiful
things, don’t we?
For me, who is in my late 20th state, I seem to
fail my memory of first love. Why? Not because I haven’t got in any
relationship, mind you. My friends are mostly male in gender, and I’ve known
almost every nook and crooks of male’s body from every single aspect known to
human being (please imagine it yourself of what I might mean). There is no way
I never been in relationship. But I wouldn’t say my first one is my first love.
Well, it sure is memorable, but I’m not really heart broken or wanting to
remember the detail of our relationship and so on. While people would be able
to picture the detail of their first love, how amazing he/she was, and how they
try to visualize them in their perspective year, I can’t. Weird, isn’t it?
I really want to know the feeling of not being able to
forget your first love, but I just… I can only create it. Not truly feel it.
And somehow, that thought makes me sad. I can only imagine it, while people can
relive it. Is it because I don’t really normal like other people, or is it
because I don’t really care? I can’t seem to bring myself to think about it.
For as long as I remember, I was saying that my first love is…. A being that is
unseen. A belief. And that is why I can’t grasp the memory of it. Hahaha… sad,
isn’t it?
Well, I will try to write things about first
love in this year, and I really hope I could cope with it. The jealousy,
sadness, warm feeling, hope, despair, and everything that lead up to the memory
of it, not forgetting the lesson of it. I really do hope I could pull it
through since I can do my last year’s resolution of being able to write a
minimum of 2 posts each month. Well… I missed 1 month, but I covered it up in
my other blog in that month, so I guess it’s done that way… Wish me luck in
this year too then ^^v
